Poetry

Today i found myself home early after a terribly ordeal with the disgusting amount of traffic the coach slugged through, all for the sake of coming back where i came from. I mean 2 hours to move 300m, i know the weather was bad, but it wasent that terrible that everyone had to park up and abandon all hope!

I found myself bored and felt this terrible erge to write some poems, ive never written poetry before, but i remeber always reading it when i was little, i used to read this antique book of my Grandma's, it was covered in Emerald Green fabric, with a beautiful patterened binding with Gold embossed writing. Anyway, this erge took me over and ive been writing poetry for about 3 hours, on and off with the interruption of my beautiful little brother. Figured i would share it with you:

Skin

I know I'm heavy
I know I'm crap
I know that really I'm a prat

I know You're ruley

I know You're Cruel

I know that really You'll win this Duel

I know I'm fat

I know I'm unworthy

I know that really I'm a twat

I know You're Ultimate

I know You're a jewel

I know that really You'll help me Crawl

They know I'm thin

They know I'm skin

They know that really I think they're stout

I know You're precious

I know You're cool

I know that really You come above all

I know You're Ruley

I know You're Cruel

I know that really You'll help Me with this duel

Ceases

Lonely and cold,this fire never ceases

Broken and old, this battle never ceases

Lilly pad upon calm water, this fire never ceases

Warm cup upon bony hand, this battle never ceases

Book upon book to spill the time

Drink upon drink to confuse the mind

Lie upon lie to convince yourself

I'm skinny

You wish - 

Just take a look at yourself!

Tear drops upon fresh raw scars

Today i ate the whole f-ING jar

Always lie, but never die

This fire never ceases

Parasite-free feet upon cold cobbled floor

Today she looked at herself asthough a jigsaw

Trying to piece this mystery of mine

This battle never ceases

Depressed and mutilated, this fire never ceases

Tired and aggravated, this battle never ceases

Enraged and missing, this fire never ceases

Protruding and fading, this battle never ceases.

The first one is pretty amateur, but i am impressed with my second (terribly big headed of me to say). I guess im putting my A grade at English Literature to good use! ;)

<3 Me

Question

I pose you with this question:

This image, and her reaction to herself should surley make me want to recover ever so slightly more right? I mean in my real mind i know shes on deaths door, i know she will probably die within the next few months of heart failure, or some other related illness. Yet i find myself absorbed, prehaps left feeling a little like a 'wannarexic' with this woman. I dont want to look like this lady yet at the same time i do, prehaps even skinnier, theres something tempting me to try, maybe my whole eating disorder is about testing my limits, whether it be about how much food i can shove in my body at once to how little i can shove in my body over a set period of time. Prehaps i need a new evaluation from the person thats called the doctor?

This woman is more beautiful and more powerful than i could ever be!

:(

My brain is constantly fighting with itself something a little like this:

'Recover'

'No dont recover you need to be thin'

'You need to focus of your school life, you need to eat in moderation'

'You either dont eat or binge'

'Stop being a fat greedy cow and thiking you may be better of normal again'

'I would be able to live a happy care free life'

'I crave them days back where i didnt care about food and stayed at a steady weight'

I WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF SO HARD MY ORGANS EXPLODE! 

Binge ofcourse in my world is when everything flashes red, today ive had the exact same argument in my head all day as ive posted above, i didnt eat in moderation, i didnt try to recover, i just binged. A whole fat 2350 calories full of binge, thats what a grown man eats in a day, prodiving he exercises alot, its more than my fat mum and inhumane brother it, its more than i used to eat in a whole week, whats happening to me. I need to get rid of this constant battle in my head, how the hell am i ever going to feel semi-decent with myself when all i do is binge. Im currently still on 88lbs, well when i last weight myself i was verging towards the blessed 87lbs, i fasted for a weekend, yet all the weight x 3 has probably just been added back to my legs, i feel like i could vomit with the amount of food ive stuffed in myself today!

I also wish my ribcage would shrink, its making me look even fatter (If thats even possible!) , even fatter than i do covered in fat. Its big, its full of stupid organs and air, and its just wide. Then there is the legs, the discusting fat calfs and thighs, i dont know what bug me more, the thighs have a good two inch gap between then, yet they still have a good 3 inches of fat wrapped around the bone, and then there is my calfs, these frikin lumps of lard and muscle that just wont disappear. Why wont the disappear? - Because i keep eating like a frikin grown man who works out all day!

<\3 Mee

Adena

So, its wednesday, im sat here as college was cancelled due to snow, about an inch of snow, i mean cummon i was up and ready at 6.30, then to find out the damn thing had closed, ive got so much work to do, so much weight to loose, and hardly any time to do it. 

I started a fast today, at about 11.30, yes dwindelled and had to have some breakfast, but i've started again. I've got a whole day to waste, i cant do any work becuase i am so anal about lines being dead straight, the purchase of a guillotine is strong on the agenda. Anyway, pure fast until Monday evening/Tuesday evening, lets see how i feel, had zero energy, but terrible food consumption latley, but hey, im still 88lbs, hopefull (after 3 weeks from the plan i made) 78 by the end of january/first week of febuary.

My plan consists of a day to day meal course, i am a complete organistation freak, i think i may have the start of OCD, this plan took me about 2 hours to make, it details everything, the grams, higher rounded calories, missed meals, fasts, how much i should loose, how much im eating in 3 weeks, how many calories im undereating by. My life has been made content (for now) over the sheer organistation of the paper work stuck all around my dressing mirror and wardrobe door, i feel calmer now i know i have a plan that i need to stick to. Lately my life has been organised by lists, accurate to every minute of the day, how long i will spend in the shower, how long i will spend on work, on walking, exact bed times. EVERYTHING has to be planned, this is no understatement. Prehaps im going mad, or prehaps im just giving myself a good kick up the arse and having a feel for what it would be like having a career in the military!

Ive developed this undying obsession with cooking food latley, Crumpets, Scotch Pancakes, Cakes, Stewed fruit with fresh custard. Most of you wont care about this, but il post it anyway. Great Scotch Pancake recipe, i made these, the mixture made 14, and they had like 52 calories in each.

 

125g self raising flour

1½ tsp baking powder/ bicard of soda

1 medium egg

300ml milk

1 large tbsp brown sugar

You put a little in the mixture in the middle of a heated non-stick griddle of frying pan. Once its bubbled up on the top you flip it over, pile them up on a tea towel, they can be eaten hot or cold, great with anything really, they arnt very sweet, so i would reccomend putting a little more sugar in if you have a real sweat tooth ;)

I think prehaps i need to make a food blog to accompany this blog, maybe i will just incorporate the two seeing as both idea i am completely and utterly consumed by!

Me <3

The start

It started off as wanting to loose 2lbs, just 2lbs so i could get to 6st8 or 92lbs. My Natural bodily weight was 6st10 or 94lbs, i had been this weight for a year, no matter how much i ate, i could eat whatever i want, i did eat whatever i want. Everyone was jealous of me, said i had an amazing figure, and didnt understand how i ate so much yet stayed so thin. I never saw myself as thin, i guess at a size 0 i was thin, but never saw it, not once. So yes back to this 2lbs, i wanted to be the weight i was when i was 12, it had gone up by just 1lb a year, i put it down to growing up, getting taller, forming boobs. It didnt bother me greatly, but i could never get rid of these 2lbs. I was ALWAYS stuck at 6st10, when i ate it went up to 7st, sometimes 7st2, this scared me. I wasent allowed to go near the scales if i had eaten, i was terrified of going past 7st, i never wanted to go past 7st, i would never allow it. I consider my highest weight to be 100lbs as this was my highest ever weight, not natural, full of food, body bloating, stomach extending food.

I was always teased for my weight, or for how i looked, when i started secondary school i was teased about being anorexic (which i wasent) and i went home crying to my mum, i never wanted to be labeled this, and i was fed up of people calling me names, teasing me for my skinny weight, now thats all i crave, i want to be labeled anorexic, i want to be skinny enough to be considered anorexic again. Im too fat to be classed as an anoretic, this hurts me inside, i wish i was! I was never the popular child in school, i remember once when one of the popular boys asked me out for a dare and i said yes, thinking he actually fancied me, that lunchtime he dumped me, and all the other popular kids told me it was a dare. It hurt alot i was only 10, but that haunting will always stay with me. I also remember when one of the popular boys told me i had the smallest nose is the class, he was lieing of course, i didnt find this out until i looked in the mirror sideways, ive hated my nose every since, he was making a mockery out of me and i never even realised that he was. I was nieve.

I was finding it hard coping with my GCSE examination stress, ive never really coped well under stress, i felt pressure as my sister has achieved the top grade in all her exams, i was worried i was going to 'let down' my family and fail all my exams, i had convinced myself i was going to fail them all. I revised like crazy, i worried like crazy. I acutally did well in my exams, i didnt get a top grade, but i got 5 A's and 7 B's. I earned enough points to get into the grammer school sixth form my sister went to, but i decided to go to a college instead. After my exams i started running with my friend, i guess this was when it all started. I wanted a nice body for when i started college, i wanted a six pack and no wobbly bits. I used to binge (well what i would consider a binge now) after i came back from my run, i still wasnt obsessed by what i ate. Then one day i was sat on my own, i had been for a long time, my sister was away from home, my mum at work, my brother at school, i had been on my own for about a month as i had finished school, i was bored, longed for something to occupy my time.

This was when the sudden earge to type in 'anorexia site' into google came over me, i dont understand why it did, and i still dont understand why. The skinny girls of the 'pro-ana' site shocked me, i realised i couldnt join this site, but i spent about 2 hours on it, reading every word, examining every picture, i then found a site called 'Pretty-thin' It was a quite site when i first joined, i liked the site, i made some friends, and this is when i started loosing weight. I was eating about 500 calories a day, i was taking pictures of my progress and i was living, breathing, eating, exercising thin, i would push myself until i almost fainted when i went running with my friend, i would only eat what was on a diet plan i had created myself, i completely sectioned myself off from everyone else. I didnt go out during the summer holidays, i stayed in my room all day, everyday lead in my bed, under my duvet, i was getting thin! I would spend my days taking pictures of my self, weighing myself, i would occasionaly venture out into the kitchen to get myself what was on my diet plan. I never broke it during july or august. I dropped down to about 6st4

I had lost 12lbs in two months, i was so happy with myself, i loved my bones, i had become obsessed with bones. Bones, bones, bones. The only time i went out during those holidays was to my best friends birthday party, everyone told me how skinny i was looking, i just shook it of and said i hadnt lost any weight, it was just because of what i was wearing, i think they fell for it. I havent seen most of those people since. Infact i havent seen anyone since that day, just my friends from college who i see everyday. The ones i am slowly distancing myself from, the ones i get angry with when they say something i dont agree with, the ones who i openly talk to about celebrities being fat, just for them to disagree and them for me to get into a huff. 


September and October rushed by, it was a blur, college was fun, yet i had discovered binging. I had never been drawn to large amounts of food, but i guess this is the student life, lots of junk food. I would vandalist 10 doughnuts at a time, i would scoff copious amounts of bakewell tarts, hundreds of calories worth of frapicinos at starbucks, yet i dropped to 5st13. 


83 beautiful pounds, due to the binging, the 4 long months of it i put back on 10lbs. I am still trying to loose all of those lbs. Currently at 88lbs, was at 87 on christmas day. I still binge, i cant help it, yet i cannot purge through vomiting. I have become addicted to laxatives and there effects. I discovered laxatives after some people were talking about them on 'Pretty-thin', i was tempted becuase i thought they made you loose fat, they made you loose weight for sure, but not fat, just articifical churrned up, rotting food. I LOVE the rush of using laxatives, its like my drug, it is my drug, having a flat stomach used to be my obsession. Now my obsession is a concave stomach, something i only drastically have when i lay down.

Highest weight: 100lbs

 3lbs from lowest weight: 86lbs

New

Today, as i lie in bed, i can help but ponder upon the thoughts of being dead. Ofcourse in my true self i dont want to be dead, i want to live my life as a succesful, respectable woman, who is healthy, with children, a husband, yes most importantly skelatol thin.  Can i have all these things, i seriously doubt that i can. However i am more than prepared to give up these things inorder to reach my idea of perfection that is within my head. 

STATS

HW: 100

CW: 88

GW:70

My name is Nicola, im from your average family, kinda, in modern times i guess. One brother, one sister, a mother, and i father who i last saw when i was about knee height to a donkey. I guess i have a pretty traumatized childhood, but my early teens were much worse. I guess i lost all 'control' i was sleeping around, had lost my virginity by the age of 13. I was drinking, i was fighting with my mother, and quite clearly i thought i was grown up, therefore showed no respect to anybody, not even myself! I matured pretty quickly, at the age of 16, a pretty high achieveing student, capable of looking after myself in all fronts, in a stable relationship with a life that looks stable from the outside. Inside i guess ive lost control, i eat, breath, sleep being thin.

I created this blog i guess to tell a story, to keep myself on track, and to help others along journey to complete, un-editied perfection. I hope you find this site a place of tranquility, even if i am posting hectic blogs about my daily routines!

Me <3