Calorie

Im lead in bed again today, i convinced everyone i got a stomach bug, its actually becasue i took a totaly of 23 laxatives in one go and got sick of them, i mean i pooed alot and i vomited abit. I think it was a little to many though, i almost fainted on several occasions, im still abit weird now with my eyes. But hey, doesnt matter does it?!

This week i was gonig to only eat 1 bagel a day, but i decided thats to much (215) So i decided to have a bowl of pulses each day (100) or nothing. I decided i dont want to be alive anymore, i dont care about grades anymore because i really dont see a future for myself past the christmas period. Il put in everything i can until then, apart from food, i aint putting much of that in anymore! Well my boyfriend dumped me, the only person that could actually be bothered with me can no longer be bothered, so that just proves to me that my lifespan is over, i kidded myself for a while that maybe i have a happy future ahead of me, all was proved wrong about 30 minutes ago. A skank doesnt deserve a future.

What do you hate about yourselves...

I hate my big buldgy ugly eyes

I hate my pointy big nose

I hate my fucked up overbite teeth

I hate my big ears

I hate my knotty annyoing dull hair

I hate my chubby fingers

I hate my chubby palms

I hate my fat wrists and my fat forearms

I hate my belly button

I hate my boobs

I hate my shoulders

I hate my shitty clavicle definition

I hate my flabby fat extended stomach

I hate my wide ugly hips

I hate my big flappy bingo wings

I hate my big thunder thighs that wobble

I hate my huge calves

I hate my fat knees

I hate my ugly feet

I hate my HUGE ass

I hate my soul

I hate the person i am

I hate being alive

I hate that im not better than anyone

I hate that im shit

I hate that im a whore

I hate that i cant starve mysef without binging (going to change that today)

I hate that i always want food

I hate that i faint all the time

I hate no-one realises what i go through and calls is self-inflicted

I hate that no-one understands

I hate the reason im taking a gay year next year is to starve myself

I hate that i cant wait to drive becuase it means il be able to drive to the most stupid places to go for the longest walk and burn calories

I hate that im

I hate that i have no life left

I hate myself for not being pretty

I hate myself for not being perfect

I hate myself for not being 'proper'

I hate myself for always wanting to hide

I hate myself for waisting my life

I hate myself for not achieving the best i can

I hate myself for putting all my efforts into anorexia

I hate my being

I hate my living

I hate my brain for being so dumb

I hate my voice

I hate my emotions

I hate me

I hate that i cant hate anyone

I hate that anorexia is my only friend

I hate that i get the hicups when i cry to hard

I hate that my brain makes me have nightmares evernight and leaves me terrified everyday

I hate that i dont have the power to get out of bed anymore

I hate that im addicted to laxatives (again)

I hate that i make myself vomit chocolate becuase it tastes so disgusting

I hate that i have curves

I hate my face shape

I hate my nails

I hate them stupid wrinkles that you get on your finger joins

I hate my hairy arms

I hate my back

I hate that im 100% lard

I hate that i tried to recover

I hate that im fat and im always going to be fat

I hate the fact only death satisfies my cravings

I hate my stupid freckle near my mouth

I hate the fact my ex-boyfriend didnt even know i was left handed

I hate that im insignificant

I hate that my calls for help were ignored

I hate that i dont over-acheieve in class anymore

I hate that no-one wants to be my friend

I hate every little thing about my being

I hate that im now going to die becuase of anorexia.

Tears stain my bedsheets.

Insignificance - What does it mean to me: To me it means walking by and no-one seeing you, no-one taking note of you, no-one stopping and looking, moving out the way, smiling as you glance up at them, saying sorry when they walk into you. Insignificance is when you are one person, who wants to make such an impact but is so scared to. Scared to talk, scared to question, scared to be different. Im different, but not in the way i would like to be. Im a mental kind of different, im not mentally 'normal', most would consider me mentally 'ill' others would just consider me stupid and attention seeking. I see myself as mentally retarded - mentally retarded in the sense i cant do anything anymore without being consumed by this, mentally retarded in the sense that having a shoulder turned from me for just one second can send my head spinning for hours while i work out what ive done wrong, how ive done it wrong, how anorexia can make it better, how no food can make it better, how unworthy i am as a person.

Im mentally retarded because i cant be left alone without becoming hysterically and self destructive. Truth is im just scared, scared of whats out there, for me now, for me in the future, what might creep up and kill me from my past. Im scared to be left alone, not just with myself, but with food, with responsibility and with life. 

I dont want to give up with everything, but i cant cope with everything, and i dont even have much to cope with. Its just everything i used to be able to cope with i dont seem to be able to anymore and i just want everything taken from me because quite frankly i really cant do it anymore. I cant do anything anymore, i wish i could just disappear.

I dont think i have the power in me to get better anymore, i dont think i have the power to be strong enough to balance everything equally, its either all or nothing, and ive given my all and its just left me with nothing. So maybe if i give nothing it will leave me with all. Is that fucked up logic. It just that me making up some bullshit logic that im going to feed myself. I dont want to be fed it, i want to give my all, but whats the point when i am left with n-o-t-h-i-n-g?

I dont think im going to be able to cope much longer, i can feel it building up inside me, i cant feel it twisting around my esophagus, up my spinal cord, welding its roots into my feet and branching out in my stomach. Im going to be really ill soon and i dont think i can control it anymore. And its not called 'not trying' or 'failing' its called a 17 year old girl who cant cope.

From tyrone:

Your 88lbs of matchstick thin flesh.

The lies and the hatred bring me to wretch.

Eyes of an angel but your hearts straight from hell.

I hope the beast kills you, hope you never get well.

Your a tramp and a liar, a user, a cheat.

You bring me down to my knees as i cry at your feet.

Soon I'll be gone and your work will be done. One more notch on your bed post, one more soul you have won.

Now I'm gonna be frank and I'm gonna be cruel.

Cause you've torn up my heart and youve made me a fool.

I love you with every ounce of my being.

From the moment I couldnt believe those bright God filled eyes I was seeing.

And yes, I know, that some days you love me and some days you dont.

You promise to change but we both know you wont.

Your words say you care but your actions show you dont.

Now Im saying goodbye,

I love you,

be strong.

Make me proud baby

cause soon ill be gone xx

Vulnerable

I think think people understand that when i say im scared i mean terrified, terrified of myself beucase im so destructive than given even 1 day alone i will focus every ounce of that time of starving, cutting, laxing, basically i spend my whole entire life that is spend alone planning my down fall. Anorexic has nicely glamourised my downfall into something magical and something i am not working hard to achieve beucase this just seems so glamourous i cant acutally wait to reach it. I cant wait to reach the point where im so skinny i can hardly function, i mean wtf, this is ridiculous. Ive lost 6lbs in 10 days, its not a great deal, but its quite alot considering 3 days of it were spend with my little love. 

Im just ridiculous, i cant wait to die, im so distructive i actually want to laugh and die and become like a bag of bones and live this glamourous skinny life that ive told myself i will get once im skinny. Who the fuck am i kidding, nice clothes are already to fucking big for me, so what part of my brain comes up with clothes will look nicer on me when im 80lbs, 70lbs, 60lbs, DEAD.

cw 91

gw 90

Me doesnt want to die, but anorexia wants me to die.

"The minute you think of giving up, remember why you held on for so long"

Questions 123

Questions123

Are these just tears? Because they feel more like shears;

Ripping at my skin, tearing my cheeks slowly

Running down my jaw line, where they then stop to rest at my clavicle bones.

Am i immortal? Because it feels more like a dream;

Staring at myself blankly, as if i am some dismembered machine,

Scanning my body, picking up the errors,

Nothings ever going to be right, not right until I'm light as feathers

Am i flying high? Because sometimes i feel as though I'm sinking;

This toxin called fasting is currently bleaching,

Bleaching out the person i once was, making her fade away,

Until one day, nothing is left all because i gave her away

Do i corrupt my own dictation? Because sometimes it feels like its done for me;

My low self esteem, an advantage, an override, a dream,

A weak prey is what she scouts for, was i perfect? was i right?

Or is this just her, is this just anorexia?

Untitled

Untitled                                                                                                 
'Look at you' - she says, her voice echoing in your head - 

'Not enough' - i say, her body swaying towards dead - 

Squeezing myself as the tears roll from my cheeks,

A body so hungry it's almost asleep,

A body so hungry as you've starved yourself for weeks,

'Look at you' - she says, her voice drumming in your head - 

'She's fat' - I say, her eyes staring blankly ahead - 

Pinching myself as the fat fills the creases,

The carcass so cold is could freeze water with touch,

My carcass so bold it could  blow your senses,

'Look at that fat' - she says, its voice ringing in my ears - 

'You're such a twat' - I say, her features creasing to peers

Cutting myself as my body urns,

My heart so weak it shatters more with every beat,

My smile so cracked is resembles a old china dolls back,

'Look at that fat' - she says, its voice drowning in my ears - 

'Gosh you're a shambles' - i say, as she ignores the sneers -

Killing myself as this thunder churns,

Burning myself as this cold war does concern,

It's binding contract so hard to break,

A rose petal dropping, its beauty dashing in streaks,

Moan

I really just want to be strong and happy and healthy. Full of life and joy and happiness and laughter. I was, once, a few years back, and i thought i was slowly getting back the things i was the more time i spent with my little love. But its just crashing and burning lately. Its a mess, all becuase of me, and becuase of that mess ive taken away the things i want and the things he wants.

It sucks knowing my moments of stupidity have meant i am not never going to be deserving of living the life i wanted. Im going to be stuck in a rut of starvation, laxatives, binging, and depression. 
  

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

I wish my mind was clear and thoughtless, because my thoughts are killing me and destroying me. Im stuck and i have no escape but all i want to do is run. I wish i could just run and hide, but you cant escape your mind, so im stuck torturing myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 364 days a year. I really wish i could just curl up and ignore it all.

OH NUMBNUTS

I really do hate being like this. Stuck at this weight with nothing to do but fight to hold on to that little part of me thats left. Why cant i be skinnier and normal, why do i have to be fatter and fucked up...Im just a fat anorexic god damn it!