wow

Wow, not only have i just lost the person im in love with, i have also now lost my bestfriend. This seems familiar, i mean ive read about 40,000 other stories from anorexics who have been left alone by everyone. Im sorry for making you hurt, im sorry for making myself disappear, im sorry for changing myself into someone you dont even recognise anymore, im sorry i never speak to you anymore, im sorry i never tried, im sorry i became anorexic, im sorry il never be the same again. But most of all im sorry you will never seen this apology. I never meant to hurt you, i was just trying to be perfect.

FATTY

So went food shopping, ended up getting:

2 boxes melba toast (12)

4 cans soup (68-98)

8 cans pepsi max (0.5)

7 braeburn apples (47-60)

The dried stew mix i found was 256 calories per 100g, i was like flaming hell, i am NOT eating that, so i got the soups instead, winter vegetable broth (68), tomato (98), tomato and butterbean (91), then i got some cup-a-soup, tomato and basil flavour (98). So il be letting myself have one of the above a day, then i will be allowed 1 apple and 1 pack melba toast, they have these smalls packs in the box, 6 slices is 78 calories. GOD, i havent written about calories in a longggggg time.

I dont feel like im going to lose of this, i definatly will feel fat each day eating this much, the canned soup is in half portions, i will probably eat 2 portions in 1 meal, unless i havent walked off atleast 300calories during the day, then i will only be allowed 1 portion. Not sure if i will allow myself to eat 6 slices of melba toast in 1 day, that seems alot when accompanied by an apple, realistically i know on the day i consume the highest calorie soup im not going to be at 400calories, but to me right now that seems like a big number. I use calories to deal with something i didnt want to happen, that something was splitting up with tyrone, now the calories have come  back to haunt me, and omg 400 seems to be getting bigger each flaming time i mention it! Atleast my mum didnt complain when my basket compries of 8 pepsi max cans,  2 packs melba toast, 7 apples, 4 cans of soup, 1 pack cap-a-soup, FUCK, that seems like alot of food for me, it is for a week, but jesus! 

Im actually really lonely at the moment, i think thats why my anorexia is controlling me so much, normally i would eat about 700 - 1000 calories a day, which would explain why i have been maintaing for such a long time, but i was trying to get better for tyrone, and although he didnt think i was eating enough, and in truth i wasnt for a 'normal' person, but i was eating more than what i eat when im not trying to get better. Loneliness brings free time, free time brings anorexia, anorexia brings weightloss, weightloss brings false sense of achievement, false sense of achievement brings more weightloss, more weightloss brings worry to others, etc etc etc. Bottom line is, i want tyrone back but i know he will never give me another chance becuase ive haad to many chance i know i had, but each time i was improving (i thought) and was more worthy of being given the chance, god i made the  only person i ever loved and the only person who ever loved me hate me, what kind of a person am i, i dont even deserve to be a person. 

Today i ate:

1 slice bread - 100cal

1 baby yoghurt - 46cal

4 slice melba toast - 48cal

1 tin vegetable broth - 136cal

Total 330 - am i disappointed? - Yes, its always to much unless its nothing. :(

SUPERmarket

I feel so weak right now, 33 laxatives since monday was prehaps not the best decision i have made in a long time, i used to take 70 a week, but that was a long time ago, probably why i feel so weak now. I decided to eat a slice of bread (100) to try build my energy up a little, but its just made me 'go' again. I dont want to eat anymore, but if my mum makes me i will eat either a apple or a banana. If i didnt take laxatives i wouldnt of eaten because i acutally would of had some strength inside me to move without seeing black and guessing where each step is on the stairs whilst running my head along the wall and using my hands to grip my hipbones. Ohh hipbones, dear old hipbones, how i miss you when i eat.

Going food shopping with my mum tonight, im lucky enough to have a mum who despite says she worries about me, doesnt regularly force me to eat and lets me chose my own food when food shopping. 

On my list shall be:

7 apples

1 bag dried pulse mix

Melba toast (if i  can find it, if not 1 loaf low calorie bread)

4 sachets sugar free jelly mix
12 cans pepsi max

I know i probably wont eat that in a whole weak, but the calorie content alone doesn't even add up to 2000.

Its bonfire night tonight, i have nothing planned, nor will i probably plan anything because 1. Im shitting my pants 2. Everything involves food 3. I dont like socialising. So im going to have a nice miserable night in drinking fruit tea and watching the TV. Then i shall go to work tomorrow, not eat hopefully, 11am - 8pm, i have no cause to eat, nor any time!

Going to my friends 18th birthday party on Sunday, its a surprise, i haven't seen any of them since i was 15, that's 2 years ago now, im excited to see them i guess, im just worried they will all think im fat. My one friends told the birthday girl shes worried about my eating, and since then she stares at me like a hawk, but i get away with not eating, just tell them ive already eating. Like i say to my mum 'Oh i had a hugeeee pasta lunch at work, im to full to eat.' I aint guna complain for as long as they believe it. Leave me alone to get skinny and il be overly content.

Booked my first driving lesson on Wednesday, its 2 hours long, and omg i am popping myself (literally) I know il have to eat a little more on that day, maybe include an extra slice of bread before the lesson, or is that really a good idea, my mind will be on the food. Either way im buggered and im going to kangaroo down the road then greeting a little 11 year old school boy with the front bumper.

So my plan commencing on Monday goes like this:

Breakfast: Cup of tea

Lunch: 600ml pepsi maxx, or 500ml really light ribena (10)

Snack: 1 apple

Dinner: 70g stew mix with herbs, 2 slice Melba toast or 1 slice low calorie bread

FATWHORE

I was 92lbs this morning, i just got on the scales and i was 95lbs. I took 10 laxatives.

FAT DISGUSTING WHORE.

Its never going to be fast enough - i want it to happen fast, i cant stand being stuck in this fat anymore. Im not eating again until im 90lbs, then after than negative calories only. 

I want tyrone back and being skinny is the only way to get him back, he doesnt want some fat whore lead next to him, fat rolls over my stomach and my arse and thighs spilling out at the sides. Jesus christ, im disgusting, how the hell did i ever let myself get back into the 90s. Once im out, i promise never again, no matter what it fucknig takes!

food.

GOD, i feel fat!

Just finished eating for the day

1 bowl pulse mix (100)

1 1/2 slice of bread (150)

250 calories, fuck it, bingebox!

Calorie

Im lead in bed again today, i convinced everyone i got a stomach bug, its actually becasue i took a totaly of 23 laxatives in one go and got sick of them, i mean i pooed alot and i vomited abit. I think it was a little to many though, i almost fainted on several occasions, im still abit weird now with my eyes. But hey, doesnt matter does it?!

This week i was gonig to only eat 1 bagel a day, but i decided thats to much (215) So i decided to have a bowl of pulses each day (100) or nothing. I decided i dont want to be alive anymore, i dont care about grades anymore because i really dont see a future for myself past the christmas period. Il put in everything i can until then, apart from food, i aint putting much of that in anymore! Well my boyfriend dumped me, the only person that could actually be bothered with me can no longer be bothered, so that just proves to me that my lifespan is over, i kidded myself for a while that maybe i have a happy future ahead of me, all was proved wrong about 30 minutes ago. A skank doesnt deserve a future.

What do you hate about yourselves...

I hate my big buldgy ugly eyes

I hate my pointy big nose

I hate my fucked up overbite teeth

I hate my big ears

I hate my knotty annyoing dull hair

I hate my chubby fingers

I hate my chubby palms

I hate my fat wrists and my fat forearms

I hate my belly button

I hate my boobs

I hate my shoulders

I hate my shitty clavicle definition

I hate my flabby fat extended stomach

I hate my wide ugly hips

I hate my big flappy bingo wings

I hate my big thunder thighs that wobble

I hate my huge calves

I hate my fat knees

I hate my ugly feet

I hate my HUGE ass

I hate my soul

I hate the person i am

I hate being alive

I hate that im not better than anyone

I hate that im shit

I hate that im a whore

I hate that i cant starve mysef without binging (going to change that today)

I hate that i always want food

I hate that i faint all the time

I hate no-one realises what i go through and calls is self-inflicted

I hate that no-one understands

I hate the reason im taking a gay year next year is to starve myself

I hate that i cant wait to drive becuase it means il be able to drive to the most stupid places to go for the longest walk and burn calories

I hate that im

I hate that i have no life left

I hate myself for not being pretty

I hate myself for not being perfect

I hate myself for not being 'proper'

I hate myself for always wanting to hide

I hate myself for waisting my life

I hate myself for not achieving the best i can

I hate myself for putting all my efforts into anorexia

I hate my being

I hate my living

I hate my brain for being so dumb

I hate my voice

I hate my emotions

I hate me

I hate that i cant hate anyone

I hate that anorexia is my only friend

I hate that i get the hicups when i cry to hard

I hate that my brain makes me have nightmares evernight and leaves me terrified everyday

I hate that i dont have the power to get out of bed anymore

I hate that im addicted to laxatives (again)

I hate that i make myself vomit chocolate becuase it tastes so disgusting

I hate that i have curves

I hate my face shape

I hate my nails

I hate them stupid wrinkles that you get on your finger joins

I hate my hairy arms

I hate my back

I hate that im 100% lard

I hate that i tried to recover

I hate that im fat and im always going to be fat

I hate the fact only death satisfies my cravings

I hate my stupid freckle near my mouth

I hate the fact my ex-boyfriend didnt even know i was left handed

I hate that im insignificant

I hate that my calls for help were ignored

I hate that i dont over-acheieve in class anymore

I hate that no-one wants to be my friend

I hate every little thing about my being

I hate that im now going to die becuase of anorexia.

Tears stain my bedsheets.

Insignificance - What does it mean to me: To me it means walking by and no-one seeing you, no-one taking note of you, no-one stopping and looking, moving out the way, smiling as you glance up at them, saying sorry when they walk into you. Insignificance is when you are one person, who wants to make such an impact but is so scared to. Scared to talk, scared to question, scared to be different. Im different, but not in the way i would like to be. Im a mental kind of different, im not mentally 'normal', most would consider me mentally 'ill' others would just consider me stupid and attention seeking. I see myself as mentally retarded - mentally retarded in the sense i cant do anything anymore without being consumed by this, mentally retarded in the sense that having a shoulder turned from me for just one second can send my head spinning for hours while i work out what ive done wrong, how ive done it wrong, how anorexia can make it better, how no food can make it better, how unworthy i am as a person.

Im mentally retarded because i cant be left alone without becoming hysterically and self destructive. Truth is im just scared, scared of whats out there, for me now, for me in the future, what might creep up and kill me from my past. Im scared to be left alone, not just with myself, but with food, with responsibility and with life. 

I dont want to give up with everything, but i cant cope with everything, and i dont even have much to cope with. Its just everything i used to be able to cope with i dont seem to be able to anymore and i just want everything taken from me because quite frankly i really cant do it anymore. I cant do anything anymore, i wish i could just disappear.

I dont think i have the power in me to get better anymore, i dont think i have the power to be strong enough to balance everything equally, its either all or nothing, and ive given my all and its just left me with nothing. So maybe if i give nothing it will leave me with all. Is that fucked up logic. It just that me making up some bullshit logic that im going to feed myself. I dont want to be fed it, i want to give my all, but whats the point when i am left with n-o-t-h-i-n-g?

I dont think im going to be able to cope much longer, i can feel it building up inside me, i cant feel it twisting around my esophagus, up my spinal cord, welding its roots into my feet and branching out in my stomach. Im going to be really ill soon and i dont think i can control it anymore. And its not called 'not trying' or 'failing' its called a 17 year old girl who cant cope.

From tyrone:

Your 88lbs of matchstick thin flesh.

The lies and the hatred bring me to wretch.

Eyes of an angel but your hearts straight from hell.

I hope the beast kills you, hope you never get well.

Your a tramp and a liar, a user, a cheat.

You bring me down to my knees as i cry at your feet.

Soon I'll be gone and your work will be done. One more notch on your bed post, one more soul you have won.

Now I'm gonna be frank and I'm gonna be cruel.

Cause you've torn up my heart and youve made me a fool.

I love you with every ounce of my being.

From the moment I couldnt believe those bright God filled eyes I was seeing.

And yes, I know, that some days you love me and some days you dont.

You promise to change but we both know you wont.

Your words say you care but your actions show you dont.

Now Im saying goodbye,

I love you,

be strong.

Make me proud baby

cause soon ill be gone xx

Vulnerable

I think think people understand that when i say im scared i mean terrified, terrified of myself beucase im so destructive than given even 1 day alone i will focus every ounce of that time of starving, cutting, laxing, basically i spend my whole entire life that is spend alone planning my down fall. Anorexic has nicely glamourised my downfall into something magical and something i am not working hard to achieve beucase this just seems so glamourous i cant acutally wait to reach it. I cant wait to reach the point where im so skinny i can hardly function, i mean wtf, this is ridiculous. Ive lost 6lbs in 10 days, its not a great deal, but its quite alot considering 3 days of it were spend with my little love. 

Im just ridiculous, i cant wait to die, im so distructive i actually want to laugh and die and become like a bag of bones and live this glamourous skinny life that ive told myself i will get once im skinny. Who the fuck am i kidding, nice clothes are already to fucking big for me, so what part of my brain comes up with clothes will look nicer on me when im 80lbs, 70lbs, 60lbs, DEAD.

cw 91

gw 90

Me doesnt want to die, but anorexia wants me to die.