My whole life i've been trying to be someone im not. Ive been trying to be someone people will like, who people wont find a problem with, you people wont find a reason to bully, and its left me with not a single ounce of what i once was.

When im asked to list 10 things about myself i have to think so long and hard to think up the 'correct' and 'acceptable' answers that form a part of my false identity. I know nothing about myself and it hurts so bad. Earlier i was making an effort to try.  and get better and write myself a list of; 10 things that make me unique from everyone else and i couldnt think of a single thing. Everything i have everyone else has, its either been copied from an acceptable action that i saw when i was younger, or copied from a magazine. There is no ounce of me left, not one single bit, and it hurts so much, the person i was born as is no longer there, theres just a lifeless shell that was once occupied with so much life and innocence, and that has been destroyed myself becuase i wanted to be accepted by people.

Im still that four year old girl in the playground, lost with no friend to play with. Im still that four year old girl that got bullied and started to hate herself. Im still that four year old girl who never found herself acceptable and started to hate herself becuase people hated her. As people always say; they only say those things becuase they are 'jealous' but they arent true. Its kinda hard to believe they are not true when everyone hates you and you have no friends. Ive hate myself for the last 13 years of my life and ive done everything to escape the scariest thing - myself. My whole life is just one big act, one big ploy, to try and con people into thinking this is the real 'me'. But i dont like the 'me' i have made. Ive made a horrible monster who feeds of itself and who is the most socially challegened person i have ever met. I hate meeting new people, i hate being nervous and not knowing what to say, its so hard for me, and people dont understand, they just think im a bitch. But its becuase i havent taught myself to be socail, becuase ive tried to hide from being social my whole life in the fear i might get bullied.

Being bullied has ultimatly ruined my life forever, but i cant really blame that, i can only blame myself, becuase i let myself listen, and i let myself get hurt by that bulling. I made the decision at just four years old who i was wasnt acceptable and decided to change it. I've ruined my life forever. Once again i am to blame for everything wrong with my life, i hate who i am, i wish i could change it, but its too late, i want to be the real me, but the real me disappeared a long time ago, and i dont know if i can get her back.

I cant put into words how disgraced i am with myself, nor can i put into words how much i lothe myself. I wish i could take every false characteristic back that i have spewed out into this world, because its just made everyone hate me. Im sorry if you hate me, i really am sorry, you wernt supposed to hate me, i was just trying to be the 'acceptable' and 'likeable' person.

Make that 110!

Im growing each day, i see it in the mirror, i see it when i look down at myself, i see it in every relfection that my eye catches when im walking along. I cant bear myself, i just want to disappear, i dont want to have to see myself anymore. I just wish i could become invisable, have no1 look at my disgsuting body and not have to look at it myself. I've set my alarm and im taking 20 laxatives at 2.30 am, so late becuase i know they will kick in quickly due to the volume and i dont want to be losing myself to a toilet when my mum and brother are still at home. I wish i could just die, im going to start a fast tomorrow, and carry it on for as long as possible. I have nothing on any particular importance going along in the form of dead lines at college, so weakness will be fine. 

God i hate myself so much, i spend every moment crying, i even broken down when i went to the toilet at college earlier and saw my thighs when i looked down, im so fat and disgusting, im covered in so much fat, i dont understand how its possible for one person to have such a concentrated amount of fat. Im so wide and disgusting, i want to be narrow and pretty and perfect and dainty. I just want to be skinny and im so far from it it seems like its impossible at the moment. I know my weight to some is 'perfect' and 'inspiration' but i find it so revolting, i have to hold myself back from crying every single moment of the day, especially when i sit down and my fat spreads out, consuming the chair and everything around it, it would probably eat the frikin newspapers in the libary if it had its own seperate mouth.

I took my first driving lesson yesterday, and i've had to make out to everyone that it was good and fun, i mean i wasnt shit, i was ok, but i was so scared. Not of driving, but i was terrified i was going to get attacked by my instructor, im gonig to put in a complaint about him to the company, but i feel really guilty, my friend told me i should though when i told her what he was doing. I just wanted to cry. I cant get in a car with a man without shitting my pants and acting all weird, its a real struggle for me, but when hes there winking at me and eyeing up my legs it makes the situation so much harder. Ive changed insturctors, but im scared its going to be the same with him, but i cant find any female instructors where i live. Its guna be a slow process of learning to actually trust someone.

GW1 - 87

GW2 - 85

GW3 - 83

GW4 - 80

GW5 - 79 - i know this wont be low enough, but i can go from there.

Embarresed and FAT

Horrible binge the last few day, on bread?! Of all things, why bread, i must of eaten like 2 big loaves of bread in the last 4 days, disgusting fat horrible carb craving cunt! Im so embarresed with myself, i swear i look about 100lbs at the moment, im to scared to even get on the scales. Seriously fat!

Im making myself go to college every day, as it makes me stay away from food. Tommorow i refuse to eat a single slice of bread, i cant have it anymore, i just end up binging on it. Why the hell do i binge on bread, it makes me bloat sooo much!

Tomorrow im allowing myself 1 apple (50) 6 slices melba toast (78) and thats it. Have both of these things after college, wash it down with a nice mug of hot water then off to bed! I get to take laxatives tomorrow aswell as i start college late, ahh so excited! Cant wait to get rid of this big fat stomach. I think im going to take 10, seems like a good amount at the moment, wish i could go back to the days of taking 10 every day, ahh what a tiny stomach it gave me. Right now i look pregnant and feel pregnant, so freaking huge! It doesnt help with the fact i stopped taking my contraceptive pill about 1 weeks ago, and im still waiting for a period, thats not right, its meant to come 2 days after. Seriosuly fucked myself  up, seeing as the period before that was about 3 hours long then stopped.

Stupid fat body, doesnt even work properly cause its got so much f'ing bread it! I hate myself, such a stupid fat ugly dumb disgusting cunt!

FATCUNT

So i stuck to my guns all day, had 2 slices of melba toast at work, i had one for breakfast also but took it out of my four allowed when i got home. So i had 3 slices tonight. I also thought it would be a good idea (I DONT KNOW WHY I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA) to have 2 custard cream biscuits, both at 59 calories, FATCUNT, i feel guilty, i feel fat, i also feel very sick and weak as ive done a 9 hour shift today at work.

Total was 196, seriously disappointed, i was only supposed to have 78! Grrr, pray to god i have lost a lb, but i doubt i have, im so fat :(. I feel so fat and gross, but i can feel ana getting a little stronger inside me each day, i guess this is what you call a relapse as for about 6 months ive been trying to get better and eating 700+ a day. What a big mistake, it didnt pay off, all its done if left me fat and ugly and lonely, even fatter and uglier than i already was, is that even possible?!

The best hot chocolate ever. This is from last winter, about 300calories a pop, pure heaven but jewizz, say hello too two days intake! :P

MORNING

Whats the plan today?

Well i have work 11am untill 8pm today, with 1 hours break, in which i will be finding my sisters birthday present and eating 2 slices of melba toast. The other 4 slices will be for after work unless i dont want to eat them, which i dont, but they are there just in case. So my total for today should be 73calories. Including the 1 pepsi max i will drink and the squash it should bring it to 80calories. 

Seems like quite a big number, but its always going to seem like a big number if its anything more than 1. Dont know why, just does. I know its not that much, because i know most of who are reading this will be eating more than that. Lost a lb yesterday, hope to lose another one today, im hopeful in saying i would like to loose one tomorrow but with my friends surprise 18th party im not sure whether it will be possible, but all i can do is try, i will eat 1 pack melba toast (73) during the day so i dont pig out and binge at the party, hopefully its a party with no food and just drink, thats my kinda party!

Have a nice day!

wow

Wow, not only have i just lost the person im in love with, i have also now lost my bestfriend. This seems familiar, i mean ive read about 40,000 other stories from anorexics who have been left alone by everyone. Im sorry for making you hurt, im sorry for making myself disappear, im sorry for changing myself into someone you dont even recognise anymore, im sorry i never speak to you anymore, im sorry i never tried, im sorry i became anorexic, im sorry il never be the same again. But most of all im sorry you will never seen this apology. I never meant to hurt you, i was just trying to be perfect.

FATTY

So went food shopping, ended up getting:

2 boxes melba toast (12)

4 cans soup (68-98)

8 cans pepsi max (0.5)

7 braeburn apples (47-60)

The dried stew mix i found was 256 calories per 100g, i was like flaming hell, i am NOT eating that, so i got the soups instead, winter vegetable broth (68), tomato (98), tomato and butterbean (91), then i got some cup-a-soup, tomato and basil flavour (98). So il be letting myself have one of the above a day, then i will be allowed 1 apple and 1 pack melba toast, they have these smalls packs in the box, 6 slices is 78 calories. GOD, i havent written about calories in a longggggg time.

I dont feel like im going to lose of this, i definatly will feel fat each day eating this much, the canned soup is in half portions, i will probably eat 2 portions in 1 meal, unless i havent walked off atleast 300calories during the day, then i will only be allowed 1 portion. Not sure if i will allow myself to eat 6 slices of melba toast in 1 day, that seems alot when accompanied by an apple, realistically i know on the day i consume the highest calorie soup im not going to be at 400calories, but to me right now that seems like a big number. I use calories to deal with something i didnt want to happen, that something was splitting up with tyrone, now the calories have come  back to haunt me, and omg 400 seems to be getting bigger each flaming time i mention it! Atleast my mum didnt complain when my basket compries of 8 pepsi max cans,  2 packs melba toast, 7 apples, 4 cans of soup, 1 pack cap-a-soup, FUCK, that seems like alot of food for me, it is for a week, but jesus! 

Im actually really lonely at the moment, i think thats why my anorexia is controlling me so much, normally i would eat about 700 - 1000 calories a day, which would explain why i have been maintaing for such a long time, but i was trying to get better for tyrone, and although he didnt think i was eating enough, and in truth i wasnt for a 'normal' person, but i was eating more than what i eat when im not trying to get better. Loneliness brings free time, free time brings anorexia, anorexia brings weightloss, weightloss brings false sense of achievement, false sense of achievement brings more weightloss, more weightloss brings worry to others, etc etc etc. Bottom line is, i want tyrone back but i know he will never give me another chance becuase ive haad to many chance i know i had, but each time i was improving (i thought) and was more worthy of being given the chance, god i made the  only person i ever loved and the only person who ever loved me hate me, what kind of a person am i, i dont even deserve to be a person. 

Today i ate:

1 slice bread - 100cal

1 baby yoghurt - 46cal

4 slice melba toast - 48cal

1 tin vegetable broth - 136cal

Total 330 - am i disappointed? - Yes, its always to much unless its nothing. :(

SUPERmarket

I feel so weak right now, 33 laxatives since monday was prehaps not the best decision i have made in a long time, i used to take 70 a week, but that was a long time ago, probably why i feel so weak now. I decided to eat a slice of bread (100) to try build my energy up a little, but its just made me 'go' again. I dont want to eat anymore, but if my mum makes me i will eat either a apple or a banana. If i didnt take laxatives i wouldnt of eaten because i acutally would of had some strength inside me to move without seeing black and guessing where each step is on the stairs whilst running my head along the wall and using my hands to grip my hipbones. Ohh hipbones, dear old hipbones, how i miss you when i eat.

Going food shopping with my mum tonight, im lucky enough to have a mum who despite says she worries about me, doesnt regularly force me to eat and lets me chose my own food when food shopping. 

On my list shall be:

7 apples

1 bag dried pulse mix

Melba toast (if i  can find it, if not 1 loaf low calorie bread)

4 sachets sugar free jelly mix
12 cans pepsi max

I know i probably wont eat that in a whole weak, but the calorie content alone doesn't even add up to 2000.

Its bonfire night tonight, i have nothing planned, nor will i probably plan anything because 1. Im shitting my pants 2. Everything involves food 3. I dont like socialising. So im going to have a nice miserable night in drinking fruit tea and watching the TV. Then i shall go to work tomorrow, not eat hopefully, 11am - 8pm, i have no cause to eat, nor any time!

Going to my friends 18th birthday party on Sunday, its a surprise, i haven't seen any of them since i was 15, that's 2 years ago now, im excited to see them i guess, im just worried they will all think im fat. My one friends told the birthday girl shes worried about my eating, and since then she stares at me like a hawk, but i get away with not eating, just tell them ive already eating. Like i say to my mum 'Oh i had a hugeeee pasta lunch at work, im to full to eat.' I aint guna complain for as long as they believe it. Leave me alone to get skinny and il be overly content.

Booked my first driving lesson on Wednesday, its 2 hours long, and omg i am popping myself (literally) I know il have to eat a little more on that day, maybe include an extra slice of bread before the lesson, or is that really a good idea, my mind will be on the food. Either way im buggered and im going to kangaroo down the road then greeting a little 11 year old school boy with the front bumper.

So my plan commencing on Monday goes like this:

Breakfast: Cup of tea

Lunch: 600ml pepsi maxx, or 500ml really light ribena (10)

Snack: 1 apple

Dinner: 70g stew mix with herbs, 2 slice Melba toast or 1 slice low calorie bread

FATWHORE

I was 92lbs this morning, i just got on the scales and i was 95lbs. I took 10 laxatives.

FAT DISGUSTING WHORE.

Its never going to be fast enough - i want it to happen fast, i cant stand being stuck in this fat anymore. Im not eating again until im 90lbs, then after than negative calories only. 

I want tyrone back and being skinny is the only way to get him back, he doesnt want some fat whore lead next to him, fat rolls over my stomach and my arse and thighs spilling out at the sides. Jesus christ, im disgusting, how the hell did i ever let myself get back into the 90s. Once im out, i promise never again, no matter what it fucknig takes!

food.

GOD, i feel fat!

Just finished eating for the day

1 bowl pulse mix (100)

1 1/2 slice of bread (150)

250 calories, fuck it, bingebox!