HELLO.

Okay, I'm well aware this blog has been shut down/private for quite a few months now and i felt as though i owed everyone an explanation, because i do have a habit of disappearing without telling people where I'm off to, they everyone worries. Not saying you guys should of been worried, but anyway, here's why;

1. I split up with my boyfriend (still terribly in love) and i felt as though this blog would tip me over the edge.
2. This blog was not going in the direction i wanted the blog to go. It became some place i came to in my time of desperation, and i didn't want to be writing posts that depressed everyone (because contrary to popular belief - and admittedly ground evidence in some cases - i am actually i happy person, and anorexia is not my whole life, nor is bulimia, or EDNOS, or binge eating, or orthorexia)
3. I wanted to try and get over my bulimia (type 2 (laxatives)) and i felt as though i could do it when  i was around blogs, i did open another blog up to see if that would make a difference, different place, different feeling and all that, but it didn't work, and only once i stopped posting on that, that the progress started to become a lot clearer and a lot more rewarding. (I always feel as though people will think I'm a fat greedy anorexic/bulimic/whateverthehelliam if i say I'm stopping laxatives, or I'm eating dinner, or i didn't walk 20miles because i had such bad blisters.
4. I miss you guys support and comments and I'm sure you are all happy to at times!
5. I wanted to redirect you guys to my new blog (a place of happy happy, sun rays, fashion, fun fun, hippie love - OK maybe I'm hyping it up to be something a little more than it is)

Anyway for my new blog CLICKTY CLICKTY CLICK CLICK HERE!

P.s yes I'm fatter than usual and no i don't always look that plump!

Love you guys lots and lots and lots xxx

20th march

I'm so all over the place :( I don't know how to put into words how I'm feeling and I'm getting so frustrated at myself for that. I just feel like I'm alone, i am alone, i cant share with people how I'm truly feeling and its such a lonely thing to not be able to tell people how you feel. I just   want everything to disappear, i just want to be left alone with a bucket of water and a treadmill, so i can run all day and stay away from food. Its the only time i feel free, i haven't ran in so long and today i ran 3miles, and i felt free, i felt free of my insanities, i felt free of my petulant nagging of my own brain over food and fat. I pushed myself to run more, run faster, run harder, burn more calories, and it felt so good, it felt so nice and i just want that feeling all the time. My weights up so much, and its all fat, i can see it, everythings grown so much. My arms, my legs, my waist and its not imaginary. 
There was a time when my waist was 20inches and my thighs were 16. Now my waist is 23inches and my thighs are 19, and its so disgusting, i look so swollen and bloated and horrible, and I'm crying writing this because there is so much in my head and i cant get it all out. This keyboard will burn out before i manage to put into words the sheer anger in my head that i hold towards myself. I just want to rip by heart from my chest and give it to anorexia on a plate, and say fuck you, because this is horrible, i need an escape but there isn't any. I cant escape from how fat I've become, only i can tackle it, and i alone, and its so lonely, i hate doing things on my own, i hate being on my own, but i love being on my own as well. I just want support and acceptance off someone, but i get it off no1, My family wont accept the fact I'm ill, and i can see why, I'm so swollen and distended who would think I'm ill. Only fragile pretty girls are ill, not horrible monsters like me. I only feel OK with myself when I'm exercising, but even then i have to look down at my thighs wobbling, then i feel myself sweating and i think you fat disgusting monster, how could you let yourself get like this, how could you let yourself get so fat you sweat. You have to burn all this fat off right now. 
But that's the thing, i cant burn it all off right now, that's what frustrates me so much, i have to sit here and cry over how fat i am for another 2 months before I'm less fat, but even then i know how fat I'm still going to be, how much fatter I'm going to be to myself, how disgusting i am going to be, how much more i need to lose to gather acceptance off people. 
I really wonder what it would be like to be free of these thoughts. I'm never going to be free of them, not even if i recover. That just makes me want to die right here right now, I'm never going to have the freedom to do as i please, there is always going to have to be some structure because I'm so stupid and fat and horrible and rotten. I HATE MYSELF, i don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to deal with myself, i feel helpless, i feel like a 8year old who's been given a baby to look after as she asks herself how to look after this things shes been given when she can barely look after herself. I just want help, i just want to love myself. I just want to be a little more perfect, a lot less fat and a lot more loved by everyone. 
I just want to turn the hands of time back and tell myself to step back from the disordered thoughts and get help while i still can. I feel like I'm so deep into this shit that there is never going to be an escape. I'm so angry at myself for letting it get this way, for letting my body get this way. Why did i do such a horrible thing and eat?

The only thing that makes it better is not eating and i don't want to eat anymore.

19th march

MORNING

Only 5days until i go visit my sister, i am sooo scared. So fat and horrible, the thought of  being in a bikini actually makes me want to puke, especially when i look in the mirror, the amount of fat sends shivers down my spine. There is no muscle, i am like only of those horrible blobs that have no tone at all and its so disgusting, i need to get some tone back into my life!

This morning i woke up early, the poor postman much of had a shock when i opened the door looking like a zombie, bad nights sleep i put that down to. I had a dream in which i was attacked by a really fat boy, i keep having dreams  about food and fat people, I'm so greedy to dream about food. I dreamed about eating sweets when i fasted on Tuesday, i woke up crying, i couldn't work out whether id eaten the sweets or whether it was actually just in the dream, i was convinced i had been sleep eating, i was anxious for the rest of the day, i felt like a failed because id even started.

So yeah, back to waking up early, my train tickets got delivered, then i tidied the kitchen, its a really lovely day! I then exercised:

80cal on exercise bike

100cal on cross trainer

150cal UW fat burn set

120 weight reps - how many cals does that burn roughly, i read weight training burns more calories that cardio. *EDIT* Apparently i burned 36cals?

I got really sweaty, which i actually hate, but i love exercising. I don't understand why i have such a problem with sweat but i really don't like it, i feel gross when I'm exercising and i sweat, i think i just get the connotations of fat people in the gym, because they always sweat loads, then it makes me feel even fatter than i already am, well i don't feel fat, i am fat.

Guna go for a walk i think today, its lovely weather and i need to get some shit from the shops for my mother. We went food shopping last night to TESCO and i found 'streamline' jam, they do a no added sugar, of a reduced sugar jam. I got the raspberry no added sugar jam, its just made with sweetener instead. Its 100cal per 100g, which is like way better than usual jams which ca range from anything in between 260-300. I still haven't tried it, but I'm sure it will quench my sweet tooth. I'l have to give you feedback, if your interested that is. Has anyone else heard of it?

*EDIT* Have any of you ever taken Ephedrine. I'm thinking of buying some and would much rather a more personal review as opposed to those on the websites.

Love x

'Bring your swimming stuff...'

I have never felt so paniced before in my life. Im going to visit my sister in germany for 4 days on 23rd march. Im so fat from this damn recovery programme and she just text to tell me shes got the ballet tickets and that i need to bring some swimming stuff. OMG. LIKE HELP, all i can think to do is fast, and fast i shall.

I havent ran in about 4 months, and i bought some new trainers, a calorie counter attatchement and something for my ipod to slot into so i can listen to music, but im just so scared that im going to run like 500m and then not be able to do anything else. I will look a complete fool :( and thats stopping me from going, i dont want people to be like, 'HAHAHA WHAT AN AMATEUR, SHE CANT EVEN RUN FAR' Im so fat i'm planning on fasting friday-sunday evening. Hopefully i cant drop some weight and atleast look a little better, monday i have a driving lesson, so i may eat in the morning, omg eating doesnt even bare thinking about :( I just want to die, i am going to be so embarresed in a swimming costume.

Im going to tell my sister, i refuse to eat more than 1 meal a day, and that 1 meal has to be healthy. She cant complain, she always makes me feel fat anyway, so it will be easy, we will be busy, she is horrible and i hate swimming costumers/bikinis. OMG :( 
I took 10 laxatives due to the panic induced by the text from my sister. I am now lead on my bed with the best blanket in the world, and my hot water bottle, after writing this post i shall procced to watch breakfast at tiffinys.
Today i ate half a cheese sandwich (170), 200g mango (120), a slice of cake, FAT BITCH (300), and 1 grape (3)

Im back

Hello ladies.

Sorry i went away, i was so depressed i just needed to be on my own. The time away from all the blogging and ED community websites has kinda helped me i guess. Well its made me realise my disorderd thoughts can be hidden alot better but are alot stronger in my mind.

So i decided a new start, well not completely new, but i re-decorated (haha) my blog, so something brighter and more uplifting, i quite like it, dont know whether all you will though, will have to give me feed back! I got off my recovery programme on friday at a weight of 95lbs. Althought i fasted for 2 days afterwards, took laxatves on monday and fasted on tuesday and purged twice i think ive maintained the weight. Im not fasting today though, its kinda stupid i guess, but im not taking back all the hard work i put in becuase im probably still the same weight.

I always seem to fast when the sun is shining, it just makes me feel so happy, well happier than i usually do. Im clean and pure, the sun warms the hunger away and i seem to be filled up on the bright glow that it beams down on the earth. Im a real sun child, i cant wait to finish my year at college and then move away somewhere. Hopefully i can talk to my cousin and he can help me with moving to australia, if that fails, i always have my aunt who is moving there in the summer who will definatly help me with it. If both of these fail, il just do what i need to do in order to be eligible for a visa in america somewhere. I hate england so much, cant wait to escape!

My ex told me the other day that he had told my brother everything about me, about my eating disorder, sent him links to this blog and my PT account, and told him about my pervious bad experiences. Which made me so mad, not only because he is in no position to tell anyone. Its my disorder and my life, if i wanted to reveal all to my family i would. but i was also angry becaue is prompeted absolutley no response from my brother. He has done nothing. I say all the time that no-one cares, i think that just about proves when i say it im not bullshitting. Literally no-one gives a flying fuck about what i do and what has happened to me. Still, i have to look at it as something positive, becuase im in free rein of what i do to myself.

Love x

Bye

This past week i've sectioned myself off from most things and feel like i may be on the road to finding my self again before all the binging and laxative abuse. I thought i was being sly with my laxatives, i wasnt trying to hide it though as my family quite clearly doesnt care. And this week has proven so, i asked my mum is she could 'padlock the cupboards shut' so i couldnt get into them when i lose control and eat everything, her words to be 'you need to get some willpower, like me' I was stunned by this, and actually cried, i know i cried becuase its true, i do need to get willpower, the words have be rolling around in my head for the past week inbetween endless cups of tea to the point where im almost vomiting. My diet has been stripped back to basics, ive been eating weightwatches yoghurts and salad and i feel like its working although the desire to eat is slowly fading.

I've realised the internet actually makes me want to kill myself, and ive become so opposed to using it this last week. Its hard writing this blog post without wanting to slash my wrists and take 50 laxatives. I dont know why it makes me feel like this. I found myself having to leave a conversation between a friend on facebook at a standstill last night becuase i physically couldnt carry on with it. I felt like a massive pressure had come over me and i started to cry. Maybe its just being social thats the problem for me, but it was find with my friends on wedneday, i ordered a 'house side salad', the waiter made me feel like a freak when i asked for it, bastard. My friends tried to get me to order a pudding, but all i had in my mind was 'calories calories, shit fuck im going to get fat is i eat a pudding' so i didnt order one, and i practially ran home to get out of public.

So to the point. Im not going to blog for a while, until i can come on the internet and not want to shoot myself in the fucking head while staring at pictures of my ex-boyfriend and chanting fat-bitch for the next 7 hours. Im going to be on my own, with my own thoughts, doing as i please without feeling like a have this huge judgemental eye staring back at me, analyising every move i make.

I love you all for the support you have given me, and for acutally reading this blog and commenting making me feel less insane, but in a greater scale of things, its terrible triggering for me, binging and laxative abuse more so that restricting, ironically. But thank you, and i wish you all health and happiness, you are all beautiful people and i hope you gain back the ability to see how beautiful and perfect you all are x

I

I am so hard on myself all the time with my eating and my body, i realise this and i know i need to stop. But it seems the more i try to stop, the worse it gets and the more encased in all the negative thoughts i get. I'm just so deep now and it actually feels like im never going to come out of this on the good side. It feels like im forever going to be stuck in this constant binge, restirct, laxative, exercise, fast pattern that 1. doesnt work for me 2. maeks me feel like shit 3. has ceased to give me purpose in life and 4. has ruined everything that ever gave me a unique identity.

Im stuck living thoughts that i dont even consider mine, becuase a few years ago i wouldnt think like this, so why me, why now? Why do i have to go through this? Why did i have to start caring when i got bloated and start caring about what i ate? I was never fat before but now magically im fat, if i eat a slice of cucumber ive 'binged' and im now fat and huge and have to take laxatives and then binge my way through the rest of the day unless i withdraw and take myself to my bedroom. 

Im not me anymore. I know myself as 'fat bitch' and that has become my identity. Im not in the right head space at all and i really truly feel like im the only one going through whats in my head, no matter how many times people say 'oh dont be so hard on yourself' or 'look after yourself' or 'i understand what your going through'. I just dont believe it. Im not hard on myself, there are like 10million people out there that are so much harder upon themselves. I do look after myself, a little to much, i need to neglect my body more and then i will achieve what i want. Ive done it before so i can do it again, and if im honest, ive never understood what anyone else goes through becuase ive never truely understood what im going through. How can i understand others when i dont understand myself?

Im going to go away for a few days, have them to myself, with my own thoughts, my own behaviours, my own rules. Not influenced by the online community that i emerse myself in day in day out. Just me and my own head so i can discover what i really am. Then im going to decide from there what im going to do.

I dont know whether i will get rid of this blog, sometimes it just triggers me into much worse behaviour, and others it gives me a false sense of achievment. I really shouldnt be happy that i lost 4.5lbs, becuase i have another 13 to go until i am going to be atleast a little happy with myself. Constantly talking about my disorderd behaviour is really not doing me any favours. Most of the time i just want to be left alone, and pushing myself to communicate with others when i dont neccasirly want to really doesnt help my own thoughts.

The only thing i know for certain is that im still in love with my ex-boyfriend and that i cant move on from this chapter in my life until i feel peaceful about what happened between us. Will i ever feel peaceful though?

So yeah, umm...bye? For now anyway x

19th

Fasting and laxatives = new best friends until wednesday.

Im so fucked from all these laxatives, But i figure, why stop now when im already f*ed up so much already. May aswell keep draining the life out of me with them. My heart in constantly hurting and trying to burst out my chest, my stomach and ass is in constant pain. My head is dizzy and i dont feel like im attatched to my body when i eat or drink. So im not going to eat, just drink, and im going to let the laxatives rule my world.

Half term this week - FUCK MY LIFE. Im not eating until i go out for this meal. After that im on a pack of melba toast a day. Im to much of a fat bitch to be allowed a jacket potatoe. Fuck slow weightloss, i want to loose 1-1.5lbs a day and i want to be weak and dizzy and hungry all the time. Thats what makes me feel in power, and that what makes me feel better about my f*ed up life.

Its alright though, becuase i have my fluff ball to keep my company. 

17th/18th

New diet this week, well yeah, kinda an odd place to start a week, but thats when i started my one last week and i have a new diet every week. Im going to try and go vegan this week and see how it goes for me. The first two weeks are always hard with shit like new eating patterns. My mum is going to be please isnt she when i tell her i need dairy free stuff aswell as meat free stuff. Oh, the look on her face. Il probably just resort to taking £10 off her each week from now on and buying my own food with it, so much easier to feed myself and buy my own food then i dont feel guilty about throwing it in the bin.

I bought 40 laxatives on tuesday to replace my deminished amount. I normally keep 80 in a little pot next to my bed. Clearly the last week has been tough as ive taken 50 laxatives in the space of 4 days. I have 20 waiting for me right now. This is ridiculous, but i dont feel like i can stop. Probably addicited again, but i dont know. 'i can stop when ever i need to' - right now i just dont want to stop.

I watched skins tonight, the new series. For some reason, beyond my knowledge, i always find it very triggering. I dont know why, theres nothing ed related in it, ok well then have that blonde chick called mini, but shes hardly triggering, she eatings like frickin banana chips then bouces around and looked like a barbie. Its the whole drink, drugs, sex thing. Its reckless and i always get sucked in by that and i dont have a clue why. Then im like fuck, i just want to starve myself and feel euphoric! Yeah, im a freak, and i like being in euphoria and im now chatting random bull.

Love x

15th - boring

I feel like a right old FAT WENCH. Dont know why, my intake has been down. I think it might actually be becasue i drank so much so i dont actually feel that hungry. I dont think il lose weight, i always feel like im not going to lose weight when i drink liquids. I dont know why, just a thing that happens.

I binged yesterday, so bad, big timeee! It was like a 8hour binge, so gross. I took 10 laxatives and was up all night shitting, i would shit, go to sleep, wake up 15 minutes later, shit. It went on and on and on all night long. Then i finally slept for a little longer after feeling like my intestine had just be pulled down the toilet, then i woke up and shat again. Interesting stuff. My days been filled with shit, lemon squash and youtube vlogs. Luckily when i stood on the scales this morning my weight was the same as it was the day before, i hadnt finished shitting at this point, so maybe il be down 1/2lbs tomorrow or more. I doubt i will be though, i feel like im going to of gained or something :(

I feel so lazy when i dont work. All weekend ive felt good about myself, i ate yes :( But i was at work all day and i burnt the calories and more hence losing 4.5lbs. Today ive just felt horrible. And ive drank loads but hardly has a wee because of the stupid laxatives. Im not making much sense in this post i feel. Anyway im working tomorrow, yayyy, extra hours for me. Which makes me feel better. I dont think il eat tomorrow, but saying that im going out so i might :/ Il just take a pack of melba toast with me. I went to morrisons and bought wholegrain melba toast, a whole 5 calories less than your bog standard melba toast, yes very exciting! For me anyway haha.

So yeah. Im boring today and im probably fat tomorrow and i want a hug and i miss tyrone and i want him back. :( 

Love x