"The minute you think of giving up, remember why you held on for so long"

Questions 123

Questions123

Are these just tears? Because they feel more like shears;

Ripping at my skin, tearing my cheeks slowly

Running down my jaw line, where they then stop to rest at my clavicle bones.

Am i immortal? Because it feels more like a dream;

Staring at myself blankly, as if i am some dismembered machine,

Scanning my body, picking up the errors,

Nothings ever going to be right, not right until I'm light as feathers

Am i flying high? Because sometimes i feel as though I'm sinking;

This toxin called fasting is currently bleaching,

Bleaching out the person i once was, making her fade away,

Until one day, nothing is left all because i gave her away

Do i corrupt my own dictation? Because sometimes it feels like its done for me;

My low self esteem, an advantage, an override, a dream,

A weak prey is what she scouts for, was i perfect? was i right?

Or is this just her, is this just anorexia?

Untitled

Untitled                                                                                                 
'Look at you' - she says, her voice echoing in your head - 

'Not enough' - i say, her body swaying towards dead - 

Squeezing myself as the tears roll from my cheeks,

A body so hungry it's almost asleep,

A body so hungry as you've starved yourself for weeks,

'Look at you' - she says, her voice drumming in your head - 

'She's fat' - I say, her eyes staring blankly ahead - 

Pinching myself as the fat fills the creases,

The carcass so cold is could freeze water with touch,

My carcass so bold it could  blow your senses,

'Look at that fat' - she says, its voice ringing in my ears - 

'You're such a twat' - I say, her features creasing to peers

Cutting myself as my body urns,

My heart so weak it shatters more with every beat,

My smile so cracked is resembles a old china dolls back,

'Look at that fat' - she says, its voice drowning in my ears - 

'Gosh you're a shambles' - i say, as she ignores the sneers -

Killing myself as this thunder churns,

Burning myself as this cold war does concern,

It's binding contract so hard to break,

A rose petal dropping, its beauty dashing in streaks,

Moan

I really just want to be strong and happy and healthy. Full of life and joy and happiness and laughter. I was, once, a few years back, and i thought i was slowly getting back the things i was the more time i spent with my little love. But its just crashing and burning lately. Its a mess, all becuase of me, and becuase of that mess ive taken away the things i want and the things he wants.

It sucks knowing my moments of stupidity have meant i am not never going to be deserving of living the life i wanted. Im going to be stuck in a rut of starvation, laxatives, binging, and depression. 
  

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

I wish my mind was clear and thoughtless, because my thoughts are killing me and destroying me. Im stuck and i have no escape but all i want to do is run. I wish i could just run and hide, but you cant escape your mind, so im stuck torturing myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 364 days a year. I really wish i could just curl up and ignore it all.

OH NUMBNUTS

I really do hate being like this. Stuck at this weight with nothing to do but fight to hold on to that little part of me thats left. Why cant i be skinnier and normal, why do i have to be fatter and fucked up...Im just a fat anorexic god damn it!