Bye

This past week i've sectioned myself off from most things and feel like i may be on the road to finding my self again before all the binging and laxative abuse. I thought i was being sly with my laxatives, i wasnt trying to hide it though as my family quite clearly doesnt care. And this week has proven so, i asked my mum is she could 'padlock the cupboards shut' so i couldnt get into them when i lose control and eat everything, her words to be 'you need to get some willpower, like me' I was stunned by this, and actually cried, i know i cried becuase its true, i do need to get willpower, the words have be rolling around in my head for the past week inbetween endless cups of tea to the point where im almost vomiting. My diet has been stripped back to basics, ive been eating weightwatches yoghurts and salad and i feel like its working although the desire to eat is slowly fading.

I've realised the internet actually makes me want to kill myself, and ive become so opposed to using it this last week. Its hard writing this blog post without wanting to slash my wrists and take 50 laxatives. I dont know why it makes me feel like this. I found myself having to leave a conversation between a friend on facebook at a standstill last night becuase i physically couldnt carry on with it. I felt like a massive pressure had come over me and i started to cry. Maybe its just being social thats the problem for me, but it was find with my friends on wedneday, i ordered a 'house side salad', the waiter made me feel like a freak when i asked for it, bastard. My friends tried to get me to order a pudding, but all i had in my mind was 'calories calories, shit fuck im going to get fat is i eat a pudding' so i didnt order one, and i practially ran home to get out of public.

So to the point. Im not going to blog for a while, until i can come on the internet and not want to shoot myself in the fucking head while staring at pictures of my ex-boyfriend and chanting fat-bitch for the next 7 hours. Im going to be on my own, with my own thoughts, doing as i please without feeling like a have this huge judgemental eye staring back at me, analyising every move i make.

I love you all for the support you have given me, and for acutally reading this blog and commenting making me feel less insane, but in a greater scale of things, its terrible triggering for me, binging and laxative abuse more so that restricting, ironically. But thank you, and i wish you all health and happiness, you are all beautiful people and i hope you gain back the ability to see how beautiful and perfect you all are x

I

I am so hard on myself all the time with my eating and my body, i realise this and i know i need to stop. But it seems the more i try to stop, the worse it gets and the more encased in all the negative thoughts i get. I'm just so deep now and it actually feels like im never going to come out of this on the good side. It feels like im forever going to be stuck in this constant binge, restirct, laxative, exercise, fast pattern that 1. doesnt work for me 2. maeks me feel like shit 3. has ceased to give me purpose in life and 4. has ruined everything that ever gave me a unique identity.

Im stuck living thoughts that i dont even consider mine, becuase a few years ago i wouldnt think like this, so why me, why now? Why do i have to go through this? Why did i have to start caring when i got bloated and start caring about what i ate? I was never fat before but now magically im fat, if i eat a slice of cucumber ive 'binged' and im now fat and huge and have to take laxatives and then binge my way through the rest of the day unless i withdraw and take myself to my bedroom. 

Im not me anymore. I know myself as 'fat bitch' and that has become my identity. Im not in the right head space at all and i really truly feel like im the only one going through whats in my head, no matter how many times people say 'oh dont be so hard on yourself' or 'look after yourself' or 'i understand what your going through'. I just dont believe it. Im not hard on myself, there are like 10million people out there that are so much harder upon themselves. I do look after myself, a little to much, i need to neglect my body more and then i will achieve what i want. Ive done it before so i can do it again, and if im honest, ive never understood what anyone else goes through becuase ive never truely understood what im going through. How can i understand others when i dont understand myself?

Im going to go away for a few days, have them to myself, with my own thoughts, my own behaviours, my own rules. Not influenced by the online community that i emerse myself in day in day out. Just me and my own head so i can discover what i really am. Then im going to decide from there what im going to do.

I dont know whether i will get rid of this blog, sometimes it just triggers me into much worse behaviour, and others it gives me a false sense of achievment. I really shouldnt be happy that i lost 4.5lbs, becuase i have another 13 to go until i am going to be atleast a little happy with myself. Constantly talking about my disorderd behaviour is really not doing me any favours. Most of the time i just want to be left alone, and pushing myself to communicate with others when i dont neccasirly want to really doesnt help my own thoughts.

The only thing i know for certain is that im still in love with my ex-boyfriend and that i cant move on from this chapter in my life until i feel peaceful about what happened between us. Will i ever feel peaceful though?

So yeah, umm...bye? For now anyway x

19th

Fasting and laxatives = new best friends until wednesday.

Im so fucked from all these laxatives, But i figure, why stop now when im already f*ed up so much already. May aswell keep draining the life out of me with them. My heart in constantly hurting and trying to burst out my chest, my stomach and ass is in constant pain. My head is dizzy and i dont feel like im attatched to my body when i eat or drink. So im not going to eat, just drink, and im going to let the laxatives rule my world.

Half term this week - FUCK MY LIFE. Im not eating until i go out for this meal. After that im on a pack of melba toast a day. Im to much of a fat bitch to be allowed a jacket potatoe. Fuck slow weightloss, i want to loose 1-1.5lbs a day and i want to be weak and dizzy and hungry all the time. Thats what makes me feel in power, and that what makes me feel better about my f*ed up life.

Its alright though, becuase i have my fluff ball to keep my company. 

17th/18th

New diet this week, well yeah, kinda an odd place to start a week, but thats when i started my one last week and i have a new diet every week. Im going to try and go vegan this week and see how it goes for me. The first two weeks are always hard with shit like new eating patterns. My mum is going to be please isnt she when i tell her i need dairy free stuff aswell as meat free stuff. Oh, the look on her face. Il probably just resort to taking £10 off her each week from now on and buying my own food with it, so much easier to feed myself and buy my own food then i dont feel guilty about throwing it in the bin.

I bought 40 laxatives on tuesday to replace my deminished amount. I normally keep 80 in a little pot next to my bed. Clearly the last week has been tough as ive taken 50 laxatives in the space of 4 days. I have 20 waiting for me right now. This is ridiculous, but i dont feel like i can stop. Probably addicited again, but i dont know. 'i can stop when ever i need to' - right now i just dont want to stop.

I watched skins tonight, the new series. For some reason, beyond my knowledge, i always find it very triggering. I dont know why, theres nothing ed related in it, ok well then have that blonde chick called mini, but shes hardly triggering, she eatings like frickin banana chips then bouces around and looked like a barbie. Its the whole drink, drugs, sex thing. Its reckless and i always get sucked in by that and i dont have a clue why. Then im like fuck, i just want to starve myself and feel euphoric! Yeah, im a freak, and i like being in euphoria and im now chatting random bull.

Love x

15th - boring

I feel like a right old FAT WENCH. Dont know why, my intake has been down. I think it might actually be becasue i drank so much so i dont actually feel that hungry. I dont think il lose weight, i always feel like im not going to lose weight when i drink liquids. I dont know why, just a thing that happens.

I binged yesterday, so bad, big timeee! It was like a 8hour binge, so gross. I took 10 laxatives and was up all night shitting, i would shit, go to sleep, wake up 15 minutes later, shit. It went on and on and on all night long. Then i finally slept for a little longer after feeling like my intestine had just be pulled down the toilet, then i woke up and shat again. Interesting stuff. My days been filled with shit, lemon squash and youtube vlogs. Luckily when i stood on the scales this morning my weight was the same as it was the day before, i hadnt finished shitting at this point, so maybe il be down 1/2lbs tomorrow or more. I doubt i will be though, i feel like im going to of gained or something :(

I feel so lazy when i dont work. All weekend ive felt good about myself, i ate yes :( But i was at work all day and i burnt the calories and more hence losing 4.5lbs. Today ive just felt horrible. And ive drank loads but hardly has a wee because of the stupid laxatives. Im not making much sense in this post i feel. Anyway im working tomorrow, yayyy, extra hours for me. Which makes me feel better. I dont think il eat tomorrow, but saying that im going out so i might :/ Il just take a pack of melba toast with me. I went to morrisons and bought wholegrain melba toast, a whole 5 calories less than your bog standard melba toast, yes very exciting! For me anyway haha.

So yeah. Im boring today and im probably fat tomorrow and i want a hug and i miss tyrone and i want him back. :( 

Love x

14th

Happy valentines day <3

Did you get anything? I didnt :( Not even a card off a stranger, nothing. Not even my mummy told me she loved me :( 

Last night i stayed around my mates. I got out of eating pasta with tomato sauce and cheese, WOO! I did eat a pack of melba toast (78cal) becuase i almost fainted however. Fail :( So yesterday i ate 2 packs melba toast, 2 rows of chocolate and this OMG AMAZING easter egg thing from M&S (where i work) It was like a cream egg, but instead of that creamy fondant it had a butterscoth flavoured one, it was sooo good. I felt guilty after eating it though.

Ive lost another 4lbs since i last blogged. I thought i was going to just stay the same as id been eating or gain from this weekend. But i lost 4lbs instead, so woo me. I weighted myself this moring after have 2 sips of the most sweetly sick tea ive ever had in my life. 2 sugars is not a good amount in a cup of tea, even 1 sugar was abit much for me. When my friends dad bought the tea in and said both with 2 sugars i was like SHIT FUCK BOLOX caloriessss. But it was so sickly sweet i couldnt drink it at all. I also havent had a poo for 4 days. Im bloated, so im thinking i probably have like 100g of poo inside of me. Maybe more haha.

This morning, i made the most amazing breakfast when i got back. It was vegan, and it was OMG SO GOOD.

Basically i had:

29g porridge oats

120ml coconut milk

88g strawberries

1 spoon sweetner

Total: 161.9

I chucked the strawberries in at the begining of the cooking so they were warm and abit soft. It was really nice and sweet and the coconut milk it much less creamier that i thought it was going to be. It was so nice. And only 27cal per 100ml. Less that skimmed milk. Cant beat that!

Not sure whether i will eat more today. I might if i feel week, but the porridge has totally filled me up and i really dont have an appetite. I ate it becuase i was bored, thats a bad reason to eat. Im going to town later to buy clothessss with my wages, so i will burn the calories off during the walk into town with my trusty little pedometer on my ipod. Hope you all have a nice day!

Love x

11th

So today was ok. I didnt exercise though :( I feel lazy becasue of that, like ive probably gained 20lbs from not exercising. But im actually gaining weight from exercise, my thighs have grown by 1/2 inch :(

I went food shopping with my mum today. We spend like £136, she was complaning about the amout we spent. When all i got was 2 nakd vegan bars, 2 satches of sugar free jelly, 1 pack weightwatchers yoghurts, 1 net of oranges and 1 bottle of sugar free lemon squash...Oh and 1 box of pre-weighed satched packed porridge oats. So i probably cost her about £8.50, which is ridiculous becuase she blames me for most of the food bill. :(

So i hadnt eaten when we went food shopping, this was about 4.30pm, i just had an energy tablet as i was feeling abit weak with the laxatives and not eating. But i was fine, in the car journey back i had half of a nakd bar. which was about 110calories, which is alot, but it was raw and vegan. Im really interested in exploring the vegan sides of thing lately. Are any of you vegan? Can you offer any advice? Im not only intrested in it becuase of the calorie resticting thing, but also becuase i think its a very healthy lifestyle choice, i will be free of the things that your body cannot digest and i will be getting more nutrition becuase the stuff i eat will be healither by nature. When i got home, i kinda lost control and ate 2 chocolates. I feel bad about this :( But it was only 2, i managed to withdraw myself from the situation and i took myself upstairs for the rest of the night. So my calorie intake was about 250calories. Which is ok i guess, pretty strict to some, soooo much to others.

Tomorrow i have work 11am-8pm, so i am going to fast, plus i dont want a fat belly for my friend on sunday. Sunday i might fast aswell, depends on my energy levels as i havent eaten much today, but i might just take some dextro energy pills and play happy sailoirs with myself. If i cant manage it, i might have some melba toast. I think i have to walk to work sunday morning, so il be up early and wont be able to eat in the morning, so il just have to wait until my break to evaluate the situation. Im absolutley sure i will be fine though. I want to fast both days so i shouldnt find an excuse, i have a hell of alot of fat to burn!

Love x

Fail.

So i took 10 laxatives last night after doing about 40 minutes on the crosstrainer and only burning 160calories. I suck, im so lazy and so fat its ridiculous. Its 3.10pm, i havent eaten yet, but i have the option to eat, i havent told myself im not. Ive put my weekly allowance in a tin underneath my bed and i think thats whats comforting me to not eat at the moment. I kinda want to eat, but i also dont want to eat, il see how i feel later. I might have a pack of melba toast. Im on my frist drink of the day at the moment. A HUGE mug of liptop red berry tea. Seriously, its so good. If you ever see it get it, its so sweet, its like sweeties. I feel kinda guilty drinking it, but it was like 2 calories in, so really i shouldnt be guilty ridden.

I have to model for my friend on sunday, im so scared. I have to have a flat stomach, as long as i have a flatstomach i think im going to be ok with it. Its flat at the moment (ofcourse) because i took laxatives. I dont want to eat incase i ruin it though. I like it when my hips poke out and my whole torso is inline with the front of my ribcage. It makes me feel beter, especially when i have the dip inbetween my ribs when i stand up. But when i lie down, i just look like a deflated ballon, so much baggy skin and hanging fat everywhere. Ewwww.

Overall, pretty shite day so fat. Tidied the kitchen, yet again, my mum and brother seem to have the inability to keep anything neat and tidy. My brother left sugar everywhere and the cereal open, gets to be sooo bad! I havent exercised. Ive watched countless videos of youtube, of poltergeist activity, and a vlog of a couple called nina and jofus. Its halirious, i spent about 2 hours doing that. I especially like the bits when they go to do foodshopping. I loved foodshoping with my bf, even thoughi t was the most difficult thing for me to do ever and i made him want to shoot myself. I now bug my mum instead to take me as im all lonesome. She got snappy last time i asked though, so i havent asked since. We also had a fight last night, long story short, she blamed me for a £75 bill that she hasent paid and basically told me i have to pay for it. RIDICULOUS!

I had a dream this morning about eating chocolate cupcakes. OMG, best dream ever. I swear i was acutally tasting them in my sleep, it was so real. Have you ever had a dream where you can taste what you are eating?

I LOVE BASIL! (MY CAT)

Im getting really angry with myself today.

Im letting myself go back to stage why. Im throwing away so much food and its costing my mum so much money and its pissing me off. I want to stop doing it but i cant. Why should i give a shit if im costing her money. The bitch came into my bedroom and wrote her weight all over my mirrors in eyeliner thinking it was funny that her weight was the sign of a devil. FUCK you you fat midget, im actually sick of it. You dont give a shit about me, so why shuld i give i shit about the money im costing you. I dont even have the right to eat the food in the first place, why would she buy food for me? She comes into my room and can see all the fucking notes  ive got everywhere and the scales in the middle of my room and all the dietertic packs in my bin, ive got to the point where i dont hide it because she just doesnt give a fuck about it. Then she complains when she asks for a shopping list and i ask for something new. I dont care if i have 20 fucking cans of tuna in the cupboard, i want fucking beans this week. UGHHHHHHHH.

I want out of this, i want out of this house, out of this family, and out of this fucking torture. I hate myself, i hate food, i hate life, i hate my reflection, i hate me, i hate being alive. i hate fucking everything, i hate dust so much right now.

Foggy.

Its been sunny all week, and now its rainy and miserable. On the day i get paid aswell, i hate going out in this weather which means my wages are going to be left in the safe at work. All £600 beautiful worth of them, ohh i miss them :(. Im still in bed, so lazy, i normally get up at 9am and start doing exercise but i slept in. Im water fasting today and im going to do 2 hours exercise. I did this on monday but fainted twice, but ive kept out the laxatives so hopefully i will be cool today, plus ive had more sleep. I feel like a failure staying in bed for 3 extra hours though, so lazy. Disgraceful and disgsuting.

I feel like a bitch, i dont know why, i dont know whether i will carry on feeling like one. I just feel emotinally numb. Il sit and think about tyrone all day, and il feel sad yeah, but at the same time i will feel comforted. I think its the eating disorder part feeling comforted. Shes safe in the knowledge of knowing how much he hates me. So i guess the hate is comforting me becuase ive always been hated by something or someone. Ive never been wanted anywhere and ive never deserved to be loved. So im right back at the begining of my disorder, way back in 2009. When i exercised and started slowly restircting, then i stopped exercising and completly restricted. Im hoping to keep up the exercise though, and just restirct more and more.

So hello waterfast, make me lose some weight please. I only have like 6 weeks left on my recovery programme. Im so excited to get off of it. Im 1lb over what i need to be, so i can safely lose that, and its easy to fake like 3 or 4 lbs, as my laxatives always make me retain water, and i just eat bread and wala, im FAT :(. I want to be like 89lbs again by next friday. So only 5lbs to lose.

I have bowed legs, and i fucking hate it. My feet are together, so why the fuck arent my knees. Stupid fucking legs.

Eww.

Soo i did 3 hours exercise today, it doesnt feel like enough though. The accuracy of my crosstrainer while being a blessing is also a curse. I can only burn off like 360 calories a hour, which sucks as i practically die while trying to do so, i average about 120 every 30 minutes, thats going at around 25km a hour, i dont know if thats fast or slow, whether im just being lazy or whether my just shit and my fitness level is crap. Have any of you got a crosstrainer? Can you give me any advice on whether im doing good or not? I feel like im failing becuause its only like 360 calories a hour, thats hardly anything, maybe i need to put it up on a high resistance, but my legs arent strong enough and i dont want to build up muscle when im trying to get rid of it in the first damned place, i hate leg muscle, blergh, wish it would disappear!

I had yet another bad day with food, im getting sick of this. Im taking laxatives and fasting tomorrow. Think im gonig out for a meal friday, then im fasting saturday and sunday. Being a model on sunday, so want a flat stomach. After fasting im allowing myself  ramakin (cant spell it) sized meals. I figured if i do this i wont eat alot as i will only let myself have like 2-3 ramikins a day. 1 being porridge, 1 probably being like tuna and capers or something like that and the other being fruit or jelly.

So yeah, i want to be 6st2 by the end of this month. Im currently 6st10 *VOMITS* Soooo hugee, fat, yuck, gross, failure, FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAILURE. Anyway, thats like 2-3lbs a week. Going to fast 3 days a week and then eat between 200-600 the rest. I hope i lose, i will kill myslf soon if i dont. I want to stop taking laxatives as its driing me up the wall and i felt like i was doing so good, i did like 6weeks with no laxatives, then boom i dived straight back in to taking 20 a time, so disappointed in myself, im such a failure, i cant do anything. Things get abit tough and i go straight back into bad habits. I did it with cutting the other week. I now have yet another set of scars. On my inner thigh of all place, eww its going to look like stretch marks. I hate my thighs now, icant wear a short dress without my scars running the risk of being seen and i cut on my wrists so eww, i have all the shiny indents there, thank god they are now as deep and prominet as the ones on my legs. My hips are covered in horrible scars aswell. Ive ruined by body even more, ive made it even more unberable to the eye with these disgusting scars. Everyone who seens they scars is going to ask why and im never going to be able to hide myself again becuase of them. Im so stupid, why am i so stupid, i wish i would just die for being such a failure at life and at everything i ever do.

I just want to be fixed.

Update on my new best friend.

Its called 'aspire' How fitting. (that was my name on prettythin until i made a new account after a mental breakdown and changed my name to possession) Thats just made it even better for me. However i was told i could bur like 8-12 calories a minute, this machine is accurate though, it doesnt do some mambo jumbo shit from a stereotypical person. You input your height to the neartest cm, your weight to the nearest kg, your sex and your age and then it tells you your bmi, bmr and body fat, soo cool. Was not pleased with the results however :( and i only managed to burn like 4calories a minute, not impressed, atleast its accurate though. So i did 1 hour on it, only 1 hour  becuase i didnt build it until 6pm and then everyone was in the room and i dont want to be accused of exercising to much. I ate like 1000calories GROSS GROSS FUCKING GROSS. Binged and hardly exercised :( I feel yuck, like im infested with food, horrible food, i want it out of my system so im being good for the rest of the week.

Im being a model on sunday night, i have to look fantasy princess. Yeah with the amount of fat on me totally possible, NOT! Im like a walking donut that has been deep-fried to long, yuck yuck yuck! Cant stand this fat on me, cant believe i decided to go into a recovery programme, let alonefor someone who isnt even in my life anymore. Stupid decision. Note to self: Never put all your hopes into someone else. Although 'great work comes from pain and heartache' - GREAT WORK = overexercising =  weightloss = fragile = pretty = perfect = happy :)

Love you lady wadies x

EEEEE

Got my brand new exciting calorie counting, fat burning, bmi checking, distance logging, fucking super duper fantastic CROSSTRAINER arriving in the next 10 minutes. My excitment levels are off the ricta scale, i feel like i might poo myself with the amount of excitment flowing through my body. Ive been waiting for it for a month, and its  been the longest wait of my life. Its long overdue, ive ripped most of the muscles in my legs from exercising to much and ive got repetative strain injury in my calfs from my over stretching and bouncing around doing endless amounts of high impact aerobics each day. So i cant wait to have a nice smooth but fast ride on the little crosstrainer :D

My weight is down 2lbs, but im still way higher then i ever should of been. I wont post my weight until im happy with it. Thats kinda never going to happen, il re-post once im back in the 80s. Hopefully this should be by monday as thats the target i have set. Then i have to work on actually get skinny rather than just burning all the rancid fat off my body. I wobble everywhere, its the most hideous thing i have ever seen. Ive avoided looking in the mirror and im aware at how much my body changes when i put on even just 1lb becuase my work trousers stop falling down and start fitting around my thighs, thats when i have a melt down for the rest of the day.

I was due to fast yesterday. I did 2 hours of aerobics then fainted, i was supposed to do 3 but i couldnt get my energy levels back  up, i felt dead. I had a 2 hour nap at like 5.30 then once i woke up i fainted once again, in front of my mother. I felt so weird, and i never faint on the first day of a fast, fuck knows why. So she made me eat some food. I had 60g of chips, which is about 70calories and then i had a 10cal soup thing. She didnt comment on how little. She keeps telling me i need to replace the food i ate. I went on a binge mid-week and ate most of the chocolate in the house along with a lot of cheese sandwiches. She wants the cheese replacing, cheeky bitch, how come everyone else is allowed to eat the food apart from me?!

Anyway, il reblog soon, maybe, its very irregular, il try x

OMG, 2 MINUTES TILL CROSSTRAINER HEAVEN!

Old habits die hard.

Exercising, fasting and laxatives. When is this gonig to end. Prehaps when everything goes back to how it was. But thats never going to happen so this is never going to end. I did 2 hours on the exercise bike, omg, my bum is raw, i dont think i have any skin left on it, but im doing another 2 hours tomorrow. I also did 1200 resistant lifts, i dont know how to explain them, all i know is they make me feel like my arms are going to fall of and im about to faint, so works for me haha. I shall do them again tomorrow. My mum is also helping me sort the tredmil out, im going to do 20-30minutes high speed running on that aswell to burn abou 300calories off. Ohh i love buring calories, its replaced that pit in my stomach that makes me feel sick when i realise the person i love is talking to other girls. It makes me cry and want to die, so then i over-exercise and i feel all better, until i cry again and have to repeat. And it will always feed off the emotional hurt that i get from seeing you living your life pleasantly without me.

Sorry for being gone for a while by the way x

"The amazing thing is this: 90% of a woman’s emotional problems stem from feeling unloved. So don’t stand back and analyze her, like a doctor diagnosing a patient, or like a therapist questioning a client. Give her your love - the same love that is motivating your questioning - immediately and unmistakably. Walk over to her, look deeply into her eyes, hold her and stroke her, tell her how much you love her, smile, hum her favorite song and dance with her, and chances are, her emotional problem will evaporate. She may still have some situation to deal with, and you may be able to help her with that, but the emotional aspect will be converted to love. It is a very rare occasion when your analysis of her mood relieves her of it. Most often, your analysis and attempts to fix her will just piss her off more. Ask her if she would rather you gave her love or analyzed her when she is upset. It’s so easy to give her love; it’s what both of you really want anyway. But as a man you are more likely to try to fix her. That’s exactly not what she wants, and exactly what will make the situation worse, most of the time."

- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man

Hi.

 

I need to start drawing more. Im applying to do a BTEC national level 3 in Fashion and Clothing. They have asked for an 'outstanding and creativly original portfolio' Ive never done any fashion, apart from knitting a scarf and hemming some skirts and sewing a top to a skirt to make a dress, i have nothing to show that is in any way fashion designer, all i have is my art and my photography. I just hope thas enough to get me accepted. NERVOUS