UGH

I havent felt this fat in a long time. I walked past the mirror about 30 minuted ago, and i've never seen myself so large, i could of been mistaken for someone suffering from giagantism, i hate my body and myself so much, i know its my body dismorphia that makes me feel so fat, but sometimes its so hard to distinguish he different between reality and my mental brain. I just want to be skinny, that or better, skinnier is easier than that, i dont think i can battle on my own anymore, im finding it so hard, and things are so much more difficult when i cant be with the one person i want to be with. My life feels so shitty at the moment, i know its not, compared to alot im sooo lucky, and i appreciate the things i have, but my depression is making me feel so many negative things, i just need to start again, start my battle to perfection again, start my life again, in a new and better place.

I may only be 89lbs right now, but FML, i feel so huge, my stomach is so bloated all the time, even when i dont eat for a day or two, it just stays there, there is so much fat on it, its not bloat anymore, ive just put so much fat on my stomach and i hate it so much :( Im so tired of pretending im happy all the time, my constant faking of smiling and being high on life has become a fucking routine, i cant show anyone how i really feel, becuase i either know they wont understand or feel like im boring them, being a burden on their life, my problems are just someones else burden, they dont care about how i feel, they are happy aslong as everything is ok with them. My friends havent spoken to me proplery in about a month, my best friend for about 7 years has gone off with someone else and they are high as a kite on fucking curry and chocolate, and im just left here picking at my peas wondering why the fuck i have to be so fat! 

And to top it off my need to cut is getting worse and worse every day, ive hidden a knife out of the kitchen under my pillow, but im trying to resist using it, i dont want anyone to see a cut and worry, i have to be strong for my own sake, otherwise im going to fail at everything, if i cut with that knife then my life is going to spin out of control and i am going to lose everything i have thats actualy worth staying alive for, and im terrified of losing all of that.

x

:( Whats the use.

My little lover sent me  this song yesterday. Ive never heard it before but i absolutley love it, he sents me little love songs all the time, hes so cute! Im so depressed today, i was really ill yesterday, i dont know what was wrong with me, maybe it was becuase i binged for 3 days straight then decided i wasnt allowed to eat anymore, my body went into abit of shock, but whatever it was it was nasty! And then today i found out that my work has messed up my hours and told me i was working the wrong times, so i have to work double weekends as i missed work today, which means i cant see my little love, and he now hates me becuase of it :( I just want to die sometimes, i cant seem to get things right ever, i always fuck them up and hurt other peoples feeling. And ive said sorry to him and ive taken full blame for the fuckup, but he basically turned around and told me to fuck off, is it really my fault that i got told the wrong hours to work? :( I love him so much, but now i feel asthough he hates me, but i mean why woulnt he, im a fat ugly greedy pig, thats reason alone to hate my guts!

Ooops.

I started my 'induction training' today at m&s, pretty standard stuff, pretty indepth, very lenghtly but they are a good company from what i care. Anyway im telling you that because i want to go onto the uniform, ok im not blowing my own trumpet here but i deep down i know realistclty im smaller than everyone else (ive never gone past a size 0 in my life) so what did m&s do, well i give them credit, they gave my the smallest size uniform available for them to order, and they also made me feel fantastic when the trousers fell of :P. Im left with no trousers for work, this is like sooo good, like it shouldnt be good, but it is, im smaller than everyone in that shop who works there and damn that shit feels good! So i need to go in tomorrow explaning to them that the size 6 trousers then gave me i fitted two of legs into one leg whole and that i could fit 2 nets of oranges in between the gap of my torso and the waistband of the trousers, i need a kids size, they cant deny me one, do they want me to walk around in my kiddies underpants serving all the men in the menswear deparment (ey it might increase sales but the wifes would be jealous (; )

Bad side, i cant stop eating, i mean ive not unhealthy, but its still not good, i got 9lbs to lose before i go on holiday, and hell let me tell you mushrooms and baked potato are not the way to achieve the body i want! Il be looking like ive raided a berrt crochet factory if im not careful. More mushrooms and less potatoe, i think, mushrooms are better that then baked potatoe anyway, mmm mmm i love mushrooms!

You blink when you breath.

I weighted myself on friday for the first time in about 4 weeks, and i was 92lbs, i was gutted as this meanth my month was spent on nothing but gaining a lb and i had 12 more lbs to loose before i was 80lbs and allowed to go on the beach in a bikini and feel good about myself. I went away again this weekend, i stayed with my little lover, it was brilliant, i didnt each much, and he wasnt fond of this at all, he wants me to get better so our 'kids can be strong' but i wasnt hungry so i couldnt eat, i was just so happy to be with him, i spent my whole time holding on to him, we had a few fights, it makes us stronger each time though. He has trust issues and so do i, but i hold mine to myself, whereas he takes them out on me, questioning everything i do, about guys ive been with in the past, but its understandable that hes going to be like that after flying all the way over to australia as his ex rang up crying just to find out that she has been cheating on him, WHAT A COW, thats all i can say! But yeah, i weighted myself this morning, and i waws 89lbs, this made me happy, i havent been in the 80's for a long time, so i got an instant confidence boost, i now only have 9lbs until i get to 80lbs, that isnt far at all in my eyes, infact thats so close.

I cant do it, i will do it, i must do it, i live to do it. I wont get sick, im a crazy strong person and ive been sick so much in my life its just became normaly everyday life for me!

Tripping

Going to cambridge for a few days tomorrow morning, the journey is going to take 6 hours on the coach :(, my sister is talking about taking salad for the trip, to be honest id rather just chew sugar free gum and suck on sugar free strawberry sweets, she doesnt seem to understand that, but i guess a salad will be way less calories, its just the whole principle of putting proper food into myself that scares me, i just have such a long way to go and even eating 100g of lettuce (my lunch today) made me feel guilty, the thing equaled 13calories, yet it was the principle of it being so much food in one go, i hate it, and then my stomach bloats so when i suck in the bit inbetween my rips doesnt go down, it stays level, its like someones just shoved a rolled up pair of socks underneath the skin just to make me feel like a big fat horrible cow :(. Atleast this trip will give me a chance to lose some weight, i refuse to eat her cereal and milk, she drinks semi-skimmed, to me thats like drinking cream its so thick and horrible and fatty and white :( 

Plan is to eat a salad for lunch and a vegetable mixture for dinner, i dont want to top 200cal a day, this is included in my new diet plan i have sorted myself out, i need order, i made myself some order at 2.30am this morning while waiting for my love to turn up online so i could chat to him - oh how i miss him so, i totally dont deserve him, he is far far far to good for me, im just a worthless sack of shit, i keep telling him, he keeps disagreeing, this battle is going to go on for a very long time!

Basically my diet plan doesnt go above 144 cal a day, and i have a choice of between a 112 day or a 144 day, both are totally vegetable and im allowed as much coffee and diet pop as i like, however i dont drink much, i dont feel asthough i deserve liquid if i have eaten that day, i have a lot of fasting ahead of me aswell. This month is going to test my willpower to the limits and at no point do i want to fail, i just cant accept failure anymore!

x

Apologies :(

Miss piggy wiggy looks asthough she is visiting this blog today! UGH - im so gross, i ate such a large meal tonight and its showing just about everywhere, she was accompanied by the period from hell, so today im just a big fat ugly blobby jiggly mess, and i FUCKING HATE IT! Seriously need to get my arse in shape if i was to look good for the beach in 8 week, need to loose atleast 10lbs of flab from this disgsuting thing that is supposed to be a human. Process skelation here i come, FML i hate myself so much :(

My little love can say im perfect all he wants, its never acutaly going to make me perfect, im such a pig, fat vile pig and i need to embarres myself by posting disgusting pictures of me up like this so i can look and be repulsed - such a pro-ana cliche, something that i hate with such a passion!

Hello 65lbs, here i come!

x

Leggy Weggy

So i lost an inch of my thighs since the last time i measured them, which was probably about 2 weeks ago to date now. Figured i would take so pictures as my face looked semi-decent and i like to keep tracking progress of myself shrinking, its pretty fasinating, when i look through my pictures from last year its like watching a short picture film: 'The shrinking corpse' i think i should give it that name, hopefully i can create a follow on from that film this year. Need to slim down so much more from the pictures im posting now though, i have to wear a bikini, i dont want people to be terrified at the amount my thighs are wobbling as i walk or run through the sea and over the sand! Gives me shivers just thinking about it, would probably make the poor people vom-vom!

x