HELLO.

Okay, I'm well aware this blog has been shut down/private for quite a few months now and i felt as though i owed everyone an explanation, because i do have a habit of disappearing without telling people where I'm off to, they everyone worries. Not saying you guys should of been worried, but anyway, here's why;

1. I split up with my boyfriend (still terribly in love) and i felt as though this blog would tip me over the edge.
2. This blog was not going in the direction i wanted the blog to go. It became some place i came to in my time of desperation, and i didn't want to be writing posts that depressed everyone (because contrary to popular belief - and admittedly ground evidence in some cases - i am actually i happy person, and anorexia is not my whole life, nor is bulimia, or EDNOS, or binge eating, or orthorexia)
3. I wanted to try and get over my bulimia (type 2 (laxatives)) and i felt as though i could do it when  i was around blogs, i did open another blog up to see if that would make a difference, different place, different feeling and all that, but it didn't work, and only once i stopped posting on that, that the progress started to become a lot clearer and a lot more rewarding. (I always feel as though people will think I'm a fat greedy anorexic/bulimic/whateverthehelliam if i say I'm stopping laxatives, or I'm eating dinner, or i didn't walk 20miles because i had such bad blisters.
4. I miss you guys support and comments and I'm sure you are all happy to at times!
5. I wanted to redirect you guys to my new blog (a place of happy happy, sun rays, fashion, fun fun, hippie love - OK maybe I'm hyping it up to be something a little more than it is)

Anyway for my new blog CLICKTY CLICKTY CLICK CLICK HERE!

P.s yes I'm fatter than usual and no i don't always look that plump!

Love you guys lots and lots and lots xxx

20th march

I'm so all over the place :( I don't know how to put into words how I'm feeling and I'm getting so frustrated at myself for that. I just feel like I'm alone, i am alone, i cant share with people how I'm truly feeling and its such a lonely thing to not be able to tell people how you feel. I just   want everything to disappear, i just want to be left alone with a bucket of water and a treadmill, so i can run all day and stay away from food. Its the only time i feel free, i haven't ran in so long and today i ran 3miles, and i felt free, i felt free of my insanities, i felt free of my petulant nagging of my own brain over food and fat. I pushed myself to run more, run faster, run harder, burn more calories, and it felt so good, it felt so nice and i just want that feeling all the time. My weights up so much, and its all fat, i can see it, everythings grown so much. My arms, my legs, my waist and its not imaginary. 
There was a time when my waist was 20inches and my thighs were 16. Now my waist is 23inches and my thighs are 19, and its so disgusting, i look so swollen and bloated and horrible, and I'm crying writing this because there is so much in my head and i cant get it all out. This keyboard will burn out before i manage to put into words the sheer anger in my head that i hold towards myself. I just want to rip by heart from my chest and give it to anorexia on a plate, and say fuck you, because this is horrible, i need an escape but there isn't any. I cant escape from how fat I've become, only i can tackle it, and i alone, and its so lonely, i hate doing things on my own, i hate being on my own, but i love being on my own as well. I just want support and acceptance off someone, but i get it off no1, My family wont accept the fact I'm ill, and i can see why, I'm so swollen and distended who would think I'm ill. Only fragile pretty girls are ill, not horrible monsters like me. I only feel OK with myself when I'm exercising, but even then i have to look down at my thighs wobbling, then i feel myself sweating and i think you fat disgusting monster, how could you let yourself get like this, how could you let yourself get so fat you sweat. You have to burn all this fat off right now. 
But that's the thing, i cant burn it all off right now, that's what frustrates me so much, i have to sit here and cry over how fat i am for another 2 months before I'm less fat, but even then i know how fat I'm still going to be, how much fatter I'm going to be to myself, how disgusting i am going to be, how much more i need to lose to gather acceptance off people. 
I really wonder what it would be like to be free of these thoughts. I'm never going to be free of them, not even if i recover. That just makes me want to die right here right now, I'm never going to have the freedom to do as i please, there is always going to have to be some structure because I'm so stupid and fat and horrible and rotten. I HATE MYSELF, i don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to deal with myself, i feel helpless, i feel like a 8year old who's been given a baby to look after as she asks herself how to look after this things shes been given when she can barely look after herself. I just want help, i just want to love myself. I just want to be a little more perfect, a lot less fat and a lot more loved by everyone. 
I just want to turn the hands of time back and tell myself to step back from the disordered thoughts and get help while i still can. I feel like I'm so deep into this shit that there is never going to be an escape. I'm so angry at myself for letting it get this way, for letting my body get this way. Why did i do such a horrible thing and eat?

The only thing that makes it better is not eating and i don't want to eat anymore.

19th march

MORNING

Only 5days until i go visit my sister, i am sooo scared. So fat and horrible, the thought of  being in a bikini actually makes me want to puke, especially when i look in the mirror, the amount of fat sends shivers down my spine. There is no muscle, i am like only of those horrible blobs that have no tone at all and its so disgusting, i need to get some tone back into my life!

This morning i woke up early, the poor postman much of had a shock when i opened the door looking like a zombie, bad nights sleep i put that down to. I had a dream in which i was attacked by a really fat boy, i keep having dreams  about food and fat people, I'm so greedy to dream about food. I dreamed about eating sweets when i fasted on Tuesday, i woke up crying, i couldn't work out whether id eaten the sweets or whether it was actually just in the dream, i was convinced i had been sleep eating, i was anxious for the rest of the day, i felt like a failed because id even started.

So yeah, back to waking up early, my train tickets got delivered, then i tidied the kitchen, its a really lovely day! I then exercised:

80cal on exercise bike

100cal on cross trainer

150cal UW fat burn set

120 weight reps - how many cals does that burn roughly, i read weight training burns more calories that cardio. *EDIT* Apparently i burned 36cals?

I got really sweaty, which i actually hate, but i love exercising. I don't understand why i have such a problem with sweat but i really don't like it, i feel gross when I'm exercising and i sweat, i think i just get the connotations of fat people in the gym, because they always sweat loads, then it makes me feel even fatter than i already am, well i don't feel fat, i am fat.

Guna go for a walk i think today, its lovely weather and i need to get some shit from the shops for my mother. We went food shopping last night to TESCO and i found 'streamline' jam, they do a no added sugar, of a reduced sugar jam. I got the raspberry no added sugar jam, its just made with sweetener instead. Its 100cal per 100g, which is like way better than usual jams which ca range from anything in between 260-300. I still haven't tried it, but I'm sure it will quench my sweet tooth. I'l have to give you feedback, if your interested that is. Has anyone else heard of it?

*EDIT* Have any of you ever taken Ephedrine. I'm thinking of buying some and would much rather a more personal review as opposed to those on the websites.

Love x

'Bring your swimming stuff...'

I have never felt so paniced before in my life. Im going to visit my sister in germany for 4 days on 23rd march. Im so fat from this damn recovery programme and she just text to tell me shes got the ballet tickets and that i need to bring some swimming stuff. OMG. LIKE HELP, all i can think to do is fast, and fast i shall.

I havent ran in about 4 months, and i bought some new trainers, a calorie counter attatchement and something for my ipod to slot into so i can listen to music, but im just so scared that im going to run like 500m and then not be able to do anything else. I will look a complete fool :( and thats stopping me from going, i dont want people to be like, 'HAHAHA WHAT AN AMATEUR, SHE CANT EVEN RUN FAR' Im so fat i'm planning on fasting friday-sunday evening. Hopefully i cant drop some weight and atleast look a little better, monday i have a driving lesson, so i may eat in the morning, omg eating doesnt even bare thinking about :( I just want to die, i am going to be so embarresed in a swimming costume.

Im going to tell my sister, i refuse to eat more than 1 meal a day, and that 1 meal has to be healthy. She cant complain, she always makes me feel fat anyway, so it will be easy, we will be busy, she is horrible and i hate swimming costumers/bikinis. OMG :( 
I took 10 laxatives due to the panic induced by the text from my sister. I am now lead on my bed with the best blanket in the world, and my hot water bottle, after writing this post i shall procced to watch breakfast at tiffinys.
Today i ate half a cheese sandwich (170), 200g mango (120), a slice of cake, FAT BITCH (300), and 1 grape (3)

Im back

Hello ladies.

Sorry i went away, i was so depressed i just needed to be on my own. The time away from all the blogging and ED community websites has kinda helped me i guess. Well its made me realise my disorderd thoughts can be hidden alot better but are alot stronger in my mind.

So i decided a new start, well not completely new, but i re-decorated (haha) my blog, so something brighter and more uplifting, i quite like it, dont know whether all you will though, will have to give me feed back! I got off my recovery programme on friday at a weight of 95lbs. Althought i fasted for 2 days afterwards, took laxatves on monday and fasted on tuesday and purged twice i think ive maintained the weight. Im not fasting today though, its kinda stupid i guess, but im not taking back all the hard work i put in becuase im probably still the same weight.

I always seem to fast when the sun is shining, it just makes me feel so happy, well happier than i usually do. Im clean and pure, the sun warms the hunger away and i seem to be filled up on the bright glow that it beams down on the earth. Im a real sun child, i cant wait to finish my year at college and then move away somewhere. Hopefully i can talk to my cousin and he can help me with moving to australia, if that fails, i always have my aunt who is moving there in the summer who will definatly help me with it. If both of these fail, il just do what i need to do in order to be eligible for a visa in america somewhere. I hate england so much, cant wait to escape!

My ex told me the other day that he had told my brother everything about me, about my eating disorder, sent him links to this blog and my PT account, and told him about my pervious bad experiences. Which made me so mad, not only because he is in no position to tell anyone. Its my disorder and my life, if i wanted to reveal all to my family i would. but i was also angry becaue is prompeted absolutley no response from my brother. He has done nothing. I say all the time that no-one cares, i think that just about proves when i say it im not bullshitting. Literally no-one gives a flying fuck about what i do and what has happened to me. Still, i have to look at it as something positive, becuase im in free rein of what i do to myself.

Love x

Bye

This past week i've sectioned myself off from most things and feel like i may be on the road to finding my self again before all the binging and laxative abuse. I thought i was being sly with my laxatives, i wasnt trying to hide it though as my family quite clearly doesnt care. And this week has proven so, i asked my mum is she could 'padlock the cupboards shut' so i couldnt get into them when i lose control and eat everything, her words to be 'you need to get some willpower, like me' I was stunned by this, and actually cried, i know i cried becuase its true, i do need to get willpower, the words have be rolling around in my head for the past week inbetween endless cups of tea to the point where im almost vomiting. My diet has been stripped back to basics, ive been eating weightwatches yoghurts and salad and i feel like its working although the desire to eat is slowly fading.

I've realised the internet actually makes me want to kill myself, and ive become so opposed to using it this last week. Its hard writing this blog post without wanting to slash my wrists and take 50 laxatives. I dont know why it makes me feel like this. I found myself having to leave a conversation between a friend on facebook at a standstill last night becuase i physically couldnt carry on with it. I felt like a massive pressure had come over me and i started to cry. Maybe its just being social thats the problem for me, but it was find with my friends on wedneday, i ordered a 'house side salad', the waiter made me feel like a freak when i asked for it, bastard. My friends tried to get me to order a pudding, but all i had in my mind was 'calories calories, shit fuck im going to get fat is i eat a pudding' so i didnt order one, and i practially ran home to get out of public.

So to the point. Im not going to blog for a while, until i can come on the internet and not want to shoot myself in the fucking head while staring at pictures of my ex-boyfriend and chanting fat-bitch for the next 7 hours. Im going to be on my own, with my own thoughts, doing as i please without feeling like a have this huge judgemental eye staring back at me, analyising every move i make.

I love you all for the support you have given me, and for acutally reading this blog and commenting making me feel less insane, but in a greater scale of things, its terrible triggering for me, binging and laxative abuse more so that restricting, ironically. But thank you, and i wish you all health and happiness, you are all beautiful people and i hope you gain back the ability to see how beautiful and perfect you all are x

I

I am so hard on myself all the time with my eating and my body, i realise this and i know i need to stop. But it seems the more i try to stop, the worse it gets and the more encased in all the negative thoughts i get. I'm just so deep now and it actually feels like im never going to come out of this on the good side. It feels like im forever going to be stuck in this constant binge, restirct, laxative, exercise, fast pattern that 1. doesnt work for me 2. maeks me feel like shit 3. has ceased to give me purpose in life and 4. has ruined everything that ever gave me a unique identity.

Im stuck living thoughts that i dont even consider mine, becuase a few years ago i wouldnt think like this, so why me, why now? Why do i have to go through this? Why did i have to start caring when i got bloated and start caring about what i ate? I was never fat before but now magically im fat, if i eat a slice of cucumber ive 'binged' and im now fat and huge and have to take laxatives and then binge my way through the rest of the day unless i withdraw and take myself to my bedroom. 

Im not me anymore. I know myself as 'fat bitch' and that has become my identity. Im not in the right head space at all and i really truly feel like im the only one going through whats in my head, no matter how many times people say 'oh dont be so hard on yourself' or 'look after yourself' or 'i understand what your going through'. I just dont believe it. Im not hard on myself, there are like 10million people out there that are so much harder upon themselves. I do look after myself, a little to much, i need to neglect my body more and then i will achieve what i want. Ive done it before so i can do it again, and if im honest, ive never understood what anyone else goes through becuase ive never truely understood what im going through. How can i understand others when i dont understand myself?

Im going to go away for a few days, have them to myself, with my own thoughts, my own behaviours, my own rules. Not influenced by the online community that i emerse myself in day in day out. Just me and my own head so i can discover what i really am. Then im going to decide from there what im going to do.

I dont know whether i will get rid of this blog, sometimes it just triggers me into much worse behaviour, and others it gives me a false sense of achievment. I really shouldnt be happy that i lost 4.5lbs, becuase i have another 13 to go until i am going to be atleast a little happy with myself. Constantly talking about my disorderd behaviour is really not doing me any favours. Most of the time i just want to be left alone, and pushing myself to communicate with others when i dont neccasirly want to really doesnt help my own thoughts.

The only thing i know for certain is that im still in love with my ex-boyfriend and that i cant move on from this chapter in my life until i feel peaceful about what happened between us. Will i ever feel peaceful though?

So yeah, umm...bye? For now anyway x

19th

Fasting and laxatives = new best friends until wednesday.

Im so fucked from all these laxatives, But i figure, why stop now when im already f*ed up so much already. May aswell keep draining the life out of me with them. My heart in constantly hurting and trying to burst out my chest, my stomach and ass is in constant pain. My head is dizzy and i dont feel like im attatched to my body when i eat or drink. So im not going to eat, just drink, and im going to let the laxatives rule my world.

Half term this week - FUCK MY LIFE. Im not eating until i go out for this meal. After that im on a pack of melba toast a day. Im to much of a fat bitch to be allowed a jacket potatoe. Fuck slow weightloss, i want to loose 1-1.5lbs a day and i want to be weak and dizzy and hungry all the time. Thats what makes me feel in power, and that what makes me feel better about my f*ed up life.

Its alright though, becuase i have my fluff ball to keep my company. 

17th/18th

New diet this week, well yeah, kinda an odd place to start a week, but thats when i started my one last week and i have a new diet every week. Im going to try and go vegan this week and see how it goes for me. The first two weeks are always hard with shit like new eating patterns. My mum is going to be please isnt she when i tell her i need dairy free stuff aswell as meat free stuff. Oh, the look on her face. Il probably just resort to taking £10 off her each week from now on and buying my own food with it, so much easier to feed myself and buy my own food then i dont feel guilty about throwing it in the bin.

I bought 40 laxatives on tuesday to replace my deminished amount. I normally keep 80 in a little pot next to my bed. Clearly the last week has been tough as ive taken 50 laxatives in the space of 4 days. I have 20 waiting for me right now. This is ridiculous, but i dont feel like i can stop. Probably addicited again, but i dont know. 'i can stop when ever i need to' - right now i just dont want to stop.

I watched skins tonight, the new series. For some reason, beyond my knowledge, i always find it very triggering. I dont know why, theres nothing ed related in it, ok well then have that blonde chick called mini, but shes hardly triggering, she eatings like frickin banana chips then bouces around and looked like a barbie. Its the whole drink, drugs, sex thing. Its reckless and i always get sucked in by that and i dont have a clue why. Then im like fuck, i just want to starve myself and feel euphoric! Yeah, im a freak, and i like being in euphoria and im now chatting random bull.

Love x

15th - boring

I feel like a right old FAT WENCH. Dont know why, my intake has been down. I think it might actually be becasue i drank so much so i dont actually feel that hungry. I dont think il lose weight, i always feel like im not going to lose weight when i drink liquids. I dont know why, just a thing that happens.

I binged yesterday, so bad, big timeee! It was like a 8hour binge, so gross. I took 10 laxatives and was up all night shitting, i would shit, go to sleep, wake up 15 minutes later, shit. It went on and on and on all night long. Then i finally slept for a little longer after feeling like my intestine had just be pulled down the toilet, then i woke up and shat again. Interesting stuff. My days been filled with shit, lemon squash and youtube vlogs. Luckily when i stood on the scales this morning my weight was the same as it was the day before, i hadnt finished shitting at this point, so maybe il be down 1/2lbs tomorrow or more. I doubt i will be though, i feel like im going to of gained or something :(

I feel so lazy when i dont work. All weekend ive felt good about myself, i ate yes :( But i was at work all day and i burnt the calories and more hence losing 4.5lbs. Today ive just felt horrible. And ive drank loads but hardly has a wee because of the stupid laxatives. Im not making much sense in this post i feel. Anyway im working tomorrow, yayyy, extra hours for me. Which makes me feel better. I dont think il eat tomorrow, but saying that im going out so i might :/ Il just take a pack of melba toast with me. I went to morrisons and bought wholegrain melba toast, a whole 5 calories less than your bog standard melba toast, yes very exciting! For me anyway haha.

So yeah. Im boring today and im probably fat tomorrow and i want a hug and i miss tyrone and i want him back. :( 

Love x

14th

Happy valentines day <3

Did you get anything? I didnt :( Not even a card off a stranger, nothing. Not even my mummy told me she loved me :( 

Last night i stayed around my mates. I got out of eating pasta with tomato sauce and cheese, WOO! I did eat a pack of melba toast (78cal) becuase i almost fainted however. Fail :( So yesterday i ate 2 packs melba toast, 2 rows of chocolate and this OMG AMAZING easter egg thing from M&S (where i work) It was like a cream egg, but instead of that creamy fondant it had a butterscoth flavoured one, it was sooo good. I felt guilty after eating it though.

Ive lost another 4lbs since i last blogged. I thought i was going to just stay the same as id been eating or gain from this weekend. But i lost 4lbs instead, so woo me. I weighted myself this moring after have 2 sips of the most sweetly sick tea ive ever had in my life. 2 sugars is not a good amount in a cup of tea, even 1 sugar was abit much for me. When my friends dad bought the tea in and said both with 2 sugars i was like SHIT FUCK BOLOX caloriessss. But it was so sickly sweet i couldnt drink it at all. I also havent had a poo for 4 days. Im bloated, so im thinking i probably have like 100g of poo inside of me. Maybe more haha.

This morning, i made the most amazing breakfast when i got back. It was vegan, and it was OMG SO GOOD.

Basically i had:

29g porridge oats

120ml coconut milk

88g strawberries

1 spoon sweetner

Total: 161.9

I chucked the strawberries in at the begining of the cooking so they were warm and abit soft. It was really nice and sweet and the coconut milk it much less creamier that i thought it was going to be. It was so nice. And only 27cal per 100ml. Less that skimmed milk. Cant beat that!

Not sure whether i will eat more today. I might if i feel week, but the porridge has totally filled me up and i really dont have an appetite. I ate it becuase i was bored, thats a bad reason to eat. Im going to town later to buy clothessss with my wages, so i will burn the calories off during the walk into town with my trusty little pedometer on my ipod. Hope you all have a nice day!

Love x

11th

So today was ok. I didnt exercise though :( I feel lazy becasue of that, like ive probably gained 20lbs from not exercising. But im actually gaining weight from exercise, my thighs have grown by 1/2 inch :(

I went food shopping with my mum today. We spend like £136, she was complaning about the amout we spent. When all i got was 2 nakd vegan bars, 2 satches of sugar free jelly, 1 pack weightwatchers yoghurts, 1 net of oranges and 1 bottle of sugar free lemon squash...Oh and 1 box of pre-weighed satched packed porridge oats. So i probably cost her about £8.50, which is ridiculous becuase she blames me for most of the food bill. :(

So i hadnt eaten when we went food shopping, this was about 4.30pm, i just had an energy tablet as i was feeling abit weak with the laxatives and not eating. But i was fine, in the car journey back i had half of a nakd bar. which was about 110calories, which is alot, but it was raw and vegan. Im really interested in exploring the vegan sides of thing lately. Are any of you vegan? Can you offer any advice? Im not only intrested in it becuase of the calorie resticting thing, but also becuase i think its a very healthy lifestyle choice, i will be free of the things that your body cannot digest and i will be getting more nutrition becuase the stuff i eat will be healither by nature. When i got home, i kinda lost control and ate 2 chocolates. I feel bad about this :( But it was only 2, i managed to withdraw myself from the situation and i took myself upstairs for the rest of the night. So my calorie intake was about 250calories. Which is ok i guess, pretty strict to some, soooo much to others.

Tomorrow i have work 11am-8pm, so i am going to fast, plus i dont want a fat belly for my friend on sunday. Sunday i might fast aswell, depends on my energy levels as i havent eaten much today, but i might just take some dextro energy pills and play happy sailoirs with myself. If i cant manage it, i might have some melba toast. I think i have to walk to work sunday morning, so il be up early and wont be able to eat in the morning, so il just have to wait until my break to evaluate the situation. Im absolutley sure i will be fine though. I want to fast both days so i shouldnt find an excuse, i have a hell of alot of fat to burn!

Love x

Fail.

So i took 10 laxatives last night after doing about 40 minutes on the crosstrainer and only burning 160calories. I suck, im so lazy and so fat its ridiculous. Its 3.10pm, i havent eaten yet, but i have the option to eat, i havent told myself im not. Ive put my weekly allowance in a tin underneath my bed and i think thats whats comforting me to not eat at the moment. I kinda want to eat, but i also dont want to eat, il see how i feel later. I might have a pack of melba toast. Im on my frist drink of the day at the moment. A HUGE mug of liptop red berry tea. Seriously, its so good. If you ever see it get it, its so sweet, its like sweeties. I feel kinda guilty drinking it, but it was like 2 calories in, so really i shouldnt be guilty ridden.

I have to model for my friend on sunday, im so scared. I have to have a flat stomach, as long as i have a flatstomach i think im going to be ok with it. Its flat at the moment (ofcourse) because i took laxatives. I dont want to eat incase i ruin it though. I like it when my hips poke out and my whole torso is inline with the front of my ribcage. It makes me feel beter, especially when i have the dip inbetween my ribs when i stand up. But when i lie down, i just look like a deflated ballon, so much baggy skin and hanging fat everywhere. Ewwww.

Overall, pretty shite day so fat. Tidied the kitchen, yet again, my mum and brother seem to have the inability to keep anything neat and tidy. My brother left sugar everywhere and the cereal open, gets to be sooo bad! I havent exercised. Ive watched countless videos of youtube, of poltergeist activity, and a vlog of a couple called nina and jofus. Its halirious, i spent about 2 hours doing that. I especially like the bits when they go to do foodshopping. I loved foodshoping with my bf, even thoughi t was the most difficult thing for me to do ever and i made him want to shoot myself. I now bug my mum instead to take me as im all lonesome. She got snappy last time i asked though, so i havent asked since. We also had a fight last night, long story short, she blamed me for a £75 bill that she hasent paid and basically told me i have to pay for it. RIDICULOUS!

I had a dream this morning about eating chocolate cupcakes. OMG, best dream ever. I swear i was acutally tasting them in my sleep, it was so real. Have you ever had a dream where you can taste what you are eating?

I LOVE BASIL! (MY CAT)

Im getting really angry with myself today.

Im letting myself go back to stage why. Im throwing away so much food and its costing my mum so much money and its pissing me off. I want to stop doing it but i cant. Why should i give a shit if im costing her money. The bitch came into my bedroom and wrote her weight all over my mirrors in eyeliner thinking it was funny that her weight was the sign of a devil. FUCK you you fat midget, im actually sick of it. You dont give a shit about me, so why shuld i give i shit about the money im costing you. I dont even have the right to eat the food in the first place, why would she buy food for me? She comes into my room and can see all the fucking notes  ive got everywhere and the scales in the middle of my room and all the dietertic packs in my bin, ive got to the point where i dont hide it because she just doesnt give a fuck about it. Then she complains when she asks for a shopping list and i ask for something new. I dont care if i have 20 fucking cans of tuna in the cupboard, i want fucking beans this week. UGHHHHHHHH.

I want out of this, i want out of this house, out of this family, and out of this fucking torture. I hate myself, i hate food, i hate life, i hate my reflection, i hate me, i hate being alive. i hate fucking everything, i hate dust so much right now.

Foggy.

Its been sunny all week, and now its rainy and miserable. On the day i get paid aswell, i hate going out in this weather which means my wages are going to be left in the safe at work. All £600 beautiful worth of them, ohh i miss them :(. Im still in bed, so lazy, i normally get up at 9am and start doing exercise but i slept in. Im water fasting today and im going to do 2 hours exercise. I did this on monday but fainted twice, but ive kept out the laxatives so hopefully i will be cool today, plus ive had more sleep. I feel like a failure staying in bed for 3 extra hours though, so lazy. Disgraceful and disgsuting.

I feel like a bitch, i dont know why, i dont know whether i will carry on feeling like one. I just feel emotinally numb. Il sit and think about tyrone all day, and il feel sad yeah, but at the same time i will feel comforted. I think its the eating disorder part feeling comforted. Shes safe in the knowledge of knowing how much he hates me. So i guess the hate is comforting me becuase ive always been hated by something or someone. Ive never been wanted anywhere and ive never deserved to be loved. So im right back at the begining of my disorder, way back in 2009. When i exercised and started slowly restircting, then i stopped exercising and completly restricted. Im hoping to keep up the exercise though, and just restirct more and more.

So hello waterfast, make me lose some weight please. I only have like 6 weeks left on my recovery programme. Im so excited to get off of it. Im 1lb over what i need to be, so i can safely lose that, and its easy to fake like 3 or 4 lbs, as my laxatives always make me retain water, and i just eat bread and wala, im FAT :(. I want to be like 89lbs again by next friday. So only 5lbs to lose.

I have bowed legs, and i fucking hate it. My feet are together, so why the fuck arent my knees. Stupid fucking legs.

Eww.

Soo i did 3 hours exercise today, it doesnt feel like enough though. The accuracy of my crosstrainer while being a blessing is also a curse. I can only burn off like 360 calories a hour, which sucks as i practically die while trying to do so, i average about 120 every 30 minutes, thats going at around 25km a hour, i dont know if thats fast or slow, whether im just being lazy or whether my just shit and my fitness level is crap. Have any of you got a crosstrainer? Can you give me any advice on whether im doing good or not? I feel like im failing becuause its only like 360 calories a hour, thats hardly anything, maybe i need to put it up on a high resistance, but my legs arent strong enough and i dont want to build up muscle when im trying to get rid of it in the first damned place, i hate leg muscle, blergh, wish it would disappear!

I had yet another bad day with food, im getting sick of this. Im taking laxatives and fasting tomorrow. Think im gonig out for a meal friday, then im fasting saturday and sunday. Being a model on sunday, so want a flat stomach. After fasting im allowing myself  ramakin (cant spell it) sized meals. I figured if i do this i wont eat alot as i will only let myself have like 2-3 ramikins a day. 1 being porridge, 1 probably being like tuna and capers or something like that and the other being fruit or jelly.

So yeah, i want to be 6st2 by the end of this month. Im currently 6st10 *VOMITS* Soooo hugee, fat, yuck, gross, failure, FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAILURE. Anyway, thats like 2-3lbs a week. Going to fast 3 days a week and then eat between 200-600 the rest. I hope i lose, i will kill myslf soon if i dont. I want to stop taking laxatives as its driing me up the wall and i felt like i was doing so good, i did like 6weeks with no laxatives, then boom i dived straight back in to taking 20 a time, so disappointed in myself, im such a failure, i cant do anything. Things get abit tough and i go straight back into bad habits. I did it with cutting the other week. I now have yet another set of scars. On my inner thigh of all place, eww its going to look like stretch marks. I hate my thighs now, icant wear a short dress without my scars running the risk of being seen and i cut on my wrists so eww, i have all the shiny indents there, thank god they are now as deep and prominet as the ones on my legs. My hips are covered in horrible scars aswell. Ive ruined by body even more, ive made it even more unberable to the eye with these disgusting scars. Everyone who seens they scars is going to ask why and im never going to be able to hide myself again becuase of them. Im so stupid, why am i so stupid, i wish i would just die for being such a failure at life and at everything i ever do.

I just want to be fixed.

Update on my new best friend.

Its called 'aspire' How fitting. (that was my name on prettythin until i made a new account after a mental breakdown and changed my name to possession) Thats just made it even better for me. However i was told i could bur like 8-12 calories a minute, this machine is accurate though, it doesnt do some mambo jumbo shit from a stereotypical person. You input your height to the neartest cm, your weight to the nearest kg, your sex and your age and then it tells you your bmi, bmr and body fat, soo cool. Was not pleased with the results however :( and i only managed to burn like 4calories a minute, not impressed, atleast its accurate though. So i did 1 hour on it, only 1 hour  becuase i didnt build it until 6pm and then everyone was in the room and i dont want to be accused of exercising to much. I ate like 1000calories GROSS GROSS FUCKING GROSS. Binged and hardly exercised :( I feel yuck, like im infested with food, horrible food, i want it out of my system so im being good for the rest of the week.

Im being a model on sunday night, i have to look fantasy princess. Yeah with the amount of fat on me totally possible, NOT! Im like a walking donut that has been deep-fried to long, yuck yuck yuck! Cant stand this fat on me, cant believe i decided to go into a recovery programme, let alonefor someone who isnt even in my life anymore. Stupid decision. Note to self: Never put all your hopes into someone else. Although 'great work comes from pain and heartache' - GREAT WORK = overexercising =  weightloss = fragile = pretty = perfect = happy :)

Love you lady wadies x

EEEEE

Got my brand new exciting calorie counting, fat burning, bmi checking, distance logging, fucking super duper fantastic CROSSTRAINER arriving in the next 10 minutes. My excitment levels are off the ricta scale, i feel like i might poo myself with the amount of excitment flowing through my body. Ive been waiting for it for a month, and its  been the longest wait of my life. Its long overdue, ive ripped most of the muscles in my legs from exercising to much and ive got repetative strain injury in my calfs from my over stretching and bouncing around doing endless amounts of high impact aerobics each day. So i cant wait to have a nice smooth but fast ride on the little crosstrainer :D

My weight is down 2lbs, but im still way higher then i ever should of been. I wont post my weight until im happy with it. Thats kinda never going to happen, il re-post once im back in the 80s. Hopefully this should be by monday as thats the target i have set. Then i have to work on actually get skinny rather than just burning all the rancid fat off my body. I wobble everywhere, its the most hideous thing i have ever seen. Ive avoided looking in the mirror and im aware at how much my body changes when i put on even just 1lb becuase my work trousers stop falling down and start fitting around my thighs, thats when i have a melt down for the rest of the day.

I was due to fast yesterday. I did 2 hours of aerobics then fainted, i was supposed to do 3 but i couldnt get my energy levels back  up, i felt dead. I had a 2 hour nap at like 5.30 then once i woke up i fainted once again, in front of my mother. I felt so weird, and i never faint on the first day of a fast, fuck knows why. So she made me eat some food. I had 60g of chips, which is about 70calories and then i had a 10cal soup thing. She didnt comment on how little. She keeps telling me i need to replace the food i ate. I went on a binge mid-week and ate most of the chocolate in the house along with a lot of cheese sandwiches. She wants the cheese replacing, cheeky bitch, how come everyone else is allowed to eat the food apart from me?!

Anyway, il reblog soon, maybe, its very irregular, il try x

OMG, 2 MINUTES TILL CROSSTRAINER HEAVEN!

Old habits die hard.

Exercising, fasting and laxatives. When is this gonig to end. Prehaps when everything goes back to how it was. But thats never going to happen so this is never going to end. I did 2 hours on the exercise bike, omg, my bum is raw, i dont think i have any skin left on it, but im doing another 2 hours tomorrow. I also did 1200 resistant lifts, i dont know how to explain them, all i know is they make me feel like my arms are going to fall of and im about to faint, so works for me haha. I shall do them again tomorrow. My mum is also helping me sort the tredmil out, im going to do 20-30minutes high speed running on that aswell to burn abou 300calories off. Ohh i love buring calories, its replaced that pit in my stomach that makes me feel sick when i realise the person i love is talking to other girls. It makes me cry and want to die, so then i over-exercise and i feel all better, until i cry again and have to repeat. And it will always feed off the emotional hurt that i get from seeing you living your life pleasantly without me.

Sorry for being gone for a while by the way x

"The amazing thing is this: 90% of a woman’s emotional problems stem from feeling unloved. So don’t stand back and analyze her, like a doctor diagnosing a patient, or like a therapist questioning a client. Give her your love - the same love that is motivating your questioning - immediately and unmistakably. Walk over to her, look deeply into her eyes, hold her and stroke her, tell her how much you love her, smile, hum her favorite song and dance with her, and chances are, her emotional problem will evaporate. She may still have some situation to deal with, and you may be able to help her with that, but the emotional aspect will be converted to love. It is a very rare occasion when your analysis of her mood relieves her of it. Most often, your analysis and attempts to fix her will just piss her off more. Ask her if she would rather you gave her love or analyzed her when she is upset. It’s so easy to give her love; it’s what both of you really want anyway. But as a man you are more likely to try to fix her. That’s exactly not what she wants, and exactly what will make the situation worse, most of the time."

- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man

Hi.

 

I need to start drawing more. Im applying to do a BTEC national level 3 in Fashion and Clothing. They have asked for an 'outstanding and creativly original portfolio' Ive never done any fashion, apart from knitting a scarf and hemming some skirts and sewing a top to a skirt to make a dress, i have nothing to show that is in any way fashion designer, all i have is my art and my photography. I just hope thas enough to get me accepted. NERVOUS