Why am i doing this?

I mean, my life was just starting to piece itself together when i decided to stop eating, why did i decide to stop eating. What the hell made me stop eating. Sometimes i think ive blocked off bad memories, because sometimes i think things, horrible awful things. I used to think about these things alot, im to embarrassed to admit what i think. But i feel disgraced and repulsed by myself for thinking it. Some part of me thinks something must of happened for me to think this way, for me to play these scenes out in my head, because its not right for someone to think such horrible things.

Ive eaten a can of tuna with 23g capers and 50g carrots for the last two days running, and im planing on carrying that on, until i run out of tuna and capers and carrot, then im going to find something else to live off. A very large part of me actually gets a kick out of starving myself. I find it funny, i dont know why, i feel like laughing hysterically at myself telling myself i deserved it and that its funny to watch me do it to myself. My sister seems to laugh enough at my eating habits, along with my mother, so maybe it is funny. Maybe it is funny to watch a blood relative obsess over the bowl of tuna she eats a day. I dont know, all i know is i feel exactly the same right now as i did the Summer i got very ill with anorexia. I dont ever recognise myself in the mirror anymore. I looked deep into my eyes tonight while sitting in front of the mirror, and i was filled with terror. Theres something not right with me, something bad. Theres something bad inside of me and i need to be taken away from everyone.

NIB NAB FUCKING FLAB.

SHOVE YOUR MEAL PLAN UP YOUR ASSHOLE DR. GREEN!

New daily allowance?:

50g raw carrot

50g cold peas

100g tuna

1 pack Melba toast with marmite

No1 can control my intake apart from me. I'm fed up of my brother and sisters incessant piss-taking of my compulsory skills with the scales, so fucking what if my dinner has to be exact to the gram, it doesn't mean you need to take the mick out of me to the point of tears when we have guests over for a meal! If I'm not being picked on by some cunt, I'm being dictated to by some 'know-it-all' who actually cant claim to give a real fuck. Its been the same my whole life, and it will always be the same. I just want to be left alone now, so no1 can take the piss out of me and no1 can tell me what to do.

My goal is no longer a fucking number, my goal is to have absolutley everything in its exact position. Whether that be the correct bones, the correct 'emotions' or the correct fucking pencil. I want EVERYTHING to be in MY order becuase ive never had my way before and i want my own way now. 

I want to be my own person, thats all ive ever wanted but all ive never got.

Lost

Ugh, ive lost all hope in just about everything. I cant be arsed to socialise with anyone, so this post is only going to be short and i shall return when i am in a better state of mind. Im lost in my own head, im supposed to be the only one who can navigate around the stupid thing, but i am officially lost in it. 

If i just act happy, everyone thinks im happy, so from now on, eating habits are something i talk to myself about and no1 else.

I had a bad night, i weighed 150g of dinner out for myself. 30g carrots, 20g of peas, and 100g tuna.

Ive completely lost all of my marbles. I hope my meal plan burns so that i never have to follow the disgusting thing again. Shove your 1 portion of fat up my fat fucking arse!

 This was about 2-3 weeks ago at 88.5lbs

ANOTHER PLAN

Im starting to get really angry with myself for always making so many different fucking plans for different fucking weeks then finding a better plan a couple of hours later. Sorry for bad language. Here is my official plan for this week and next week:

Tuesday - Fast

Wednesday - Meal with friends, but stick to veggies and no sweet snacking afterwards

Thursday - FAST

Friday - FAST

Saturday - Christmas day (more details listed below)

Sunday - FAST INVF

Monday - FAST INVF

Tuesday - FAST INVF

Wednesday - FAST INVF

Thursday -1 bowl of veggies, 2 slices of toast

Friday - 1 bowl of rice, 1 bowl of veggies

Saturday - FAST

Sunday - FAST

Monday - FAST

Tuesday - 1 bowl rice, 1 bowl of veggies

Christmas day = hugely unpopular day for me, i want to kill myself, i want to hang myself with the beads from my christmas tree. God give me strenght i wish i could avoid food, i really wish. But i cant hurt my family. Thinking of my grandad worrying about me on christmas day as i dont eat the dinner makes me cry, i cant do that to him. Ive only ever wanted him to be proud of his grandaughter. This is all terribly secret for me in terms of family and friends, so i have to act normal. So anyway,  the plan for christmas day:

Dont eat until the christmas dinner is served, ARGHHHH! FUKING FOOD!

Allowed: 5 sprouts, 5 pieces of carrot, 2 stems brocoli, 1 potato half, 1 yorkshire pudding, 2 table spoons stuffing,  gravy baby, 2 mouthfuls of dessert.

After the christmas meal im not allowed to snack. Im allowed one candy cane in the evening, and will have to stick to vodka and pepsi max for the rest of the day. FOOD = FAT, FAT = UGLY, UGLY = NO TYRONE. NO TYRONE = ME AT THE MOMENT, ME AT THE MOMENT = FAT UGLY FOODOHOLIC who lost her boyfriend due to her disgusting binging habits that he could no longer stomach.

INVF = If not visiting family. Christmas time brings lots of 'family' FUCKING meals. If i visit family i will eat a small portion of what ever is being served. Hopefully i will have notice, as no notice = complete and utter panic follwed by tears and tantrums by yours truely.

I used to eat alot of rice when i was skinny last year. I think i had about 80g dried weight, which made alot of rice, i used to have it with peas, or sometimes id make it all exciting and id have a red onion with it and toss abit of pilau rice seasoning in it to make it a pretty orange colour. I also used to eat alot of porridge. But i dont like eating breakfast. Breakfast isnt good for nicola, as then nicola wants to eat for the rest of the day! 

I also decided that im not an anorexic anymore. Im bulimia type 2 - as i binge and purge with laxatives and i have restircting habits. Im all over the place. I dont think ive ever been anorexic, i think im just floating, sometimes i think im one of those really annoying wannarexics, that worries me a little. I hope i dont come across as one. Im just calling myself a nice fat ednos at the moment. EDNOS EDNOS EDNOS :(

Sorry for my absolutley disgusting language in this blog post. I seem to like swearing alot at the moment.

I painted my bedroom, it looks lovely! Cant really see it here but its a very very very light grey and i have a double bed, mmm spacious, only me in it though, and basil at times. Its ivory frame and i have lovely white sheets on it. And my room is lovely and simple and best of all bright. I hate dark rooms, when i was in the sisters room (who has dark purple curtains and a big blind that she keeps down) my depression was at its worst. I coudnt get out of bed i was so drained, i think thats what pushed me over the edge. I admitted i was depressed to my mum after like 3 days of being in that bedroom, and ive kept it to myself for over a year. I also ended up dropping out of college and losing all faith in ever getting better again. Now im stuck in fasting mode. I love fasting!

Also another rule for myself. Make myself look nice each day. Like in the picture above. I will make myself have nice hair and do my makeup nicely each day. And i will make sure i wear clothes that are dark, as thats what i feel most confident in. I want to look nice as then i feel more confident about myself. I went through a phase of perfecting my self every single day in 2009 during the summer, even though i never went out. I just had to look nice incase something happened. I styled my hair every day and did my makeup nicely. And then i stopped this after my depression kicked in big time. But i want to start again as i think it might ease up my depression abit. 

Sorry for the long post.

my my my

6st8 after 3 days of fasting, SO FAT, I WAS 89 2 WEEKS AGO, FUCK MY HORRIBLE FAT DISGUSTING APPETITE, IM A POOR EXCUSE FOR AN ANOREXIC, I DONT DESERVE THE FUCKING LABLE, I WILL MAKE MYSELF DESERVE THE LABLE AGAIN, I WILL GET INTO THE MID80S AND GO LOWER AGAIN, I WILL BE SKINNY AGAIN. Im on my period, that normally adds about 2 or 3 lbs to me. So fingers crossed i will be atleast 87 by christmas. Im fasting tomorrow, wednesday i have bloody meal, ugh!,Thursday and friday will be spend fasting.I'm feeling terribly lonely at the moment, so it should be nice to spend some time with my friends   but minus the food would be alot better. Gotta get my fasting head on again, which should be easy enough. I've pledged to myself to never binge again, a binge to me is anything over 800calories, i have decided this about 20 minutes ago. I feel so fat and lazy at the moment, like im doing nothing with my life. Which is true, i only work 17 hours a week. I need to take up a fitness regime in the new year. Im so worried and paranoid that everyone thinks im fat and lazy, its really gettting my down. Im a shadow of my former self as far as confidence goes, and ive never had much. Ive just been wittled down to nothing due to paranoa, and the sense of disworth for just about everything in this world. Being dead would be so much easier!

Binge free days = 4

Scared, fat and crying. I cant cope anymore. Weight after binge: 98lbs. I was 90lbs on monday evening. Im so embarresed to admit the weight of myself at the moment Im so disgusting, im so gross. I cant stop crying. I need to stop binging, i cant do it to myself anymore, its to much of a stress on top of everything thats going hrough my head. I know im fat, thats all i tell myself, but i still eat. Why do i eat?! Why can i go for periods of not eating then binge for 4 days in a row and muck everything up. I hate myself, i wish i was dead. I wish i was just fucking gone. Nothing will leave my head, i just want my head to be empty like it used to be. I wish i was that emotionless bitch again that just starved and got drunk occasionally.

I dont care about anything anymore. I dont care about me, i dont care about work, i dont care about future. Im fasting until wednesday. Its my longest fast, its my most needed fast. What kind of a disgusting bitch stuffs 8lbs worth of food in herself. Me, thats what kind of disgusting bitch. All my fucking laxativs are gone, i tried to purg but i cant, nothing comes up. I wish someone would just happen, whether it be a fucking bomb blows me up of my stomach splits in half with the amount of  disgusting food.

For the next 2 weeks im not allowed to go over 78cals a day. Excluding christmas day, how the fuck am i going to escape that fucking one?!

I FUCKING HATE YOU!

Rules for January:

Anorexia related:

1. Dont eat before 6pm or after 8pm

2. Dont eat more than 2 items of food a day e.g 1 courgette, 1 onion

3. Dont feel guilty for throwing away food, infact it is encouraged, throw away everything you almost eat

4. Take laxatives 4 times a week (10-20 a time)

5. Do some sort of exercise everyday e.g walking, wii fit, fitness channel

6. DO NOT exceed 600calories a day

7. Fast 4 out of the 7 days each week

8. Fast every weekend without fail

9. Dont ask anyone you need help, let yourself fall, you will be proud of the results when you are bone

Personally related:

1. Draw atleast once a week

2. Exfoliate 2 times a week, your body can hold 2lbs of dead skin when it is starving

3. Avoid carbs

4. Dont feel guilty if you want to self harm, people shouldnt make you feel guilty for who you are

5. Clean the house daily for my mum so i burn calories and so she doesnt get angry at me all the time

6. Act happy, so no1 suspects you of what youre really worth

7. Die, very soon, please

Monday - FAST                                                                                        CAL 2+2+2+2 = 8
Tuesday - FAST                                                                                        CAL 2+2+2+2 = 8
Wednesday - 1 courgette, 1 onion                                                              CAL 46+30 = 76
Thursday - 1 pack melba toast with cheese, 80g salted peas                         CAL 78+121+88 = 287
Friday - 1 can chopped tomatoes with red onion and herbs, 1 clemetine         CAL 88+46+4 = 138
Saturday - FAST                                                                                       CAL 2+2+2+2 = 8
Sunday - FAST                                                                                         CAL 2+2+2+2 = 8

Welcome.

Welcome to bitchmode. I have officially turned it on again, and i am not going to turn it off. I did for a few months and let myself fall in love. But you know what, the bitch is always going to come back to haunt me, and haunt me she has done. I mean its not guna magically prevent me from being in love with someone who doesnt care about me anymore, but its going to make it more bareable. For now on its me, myself and i. Hello emotionaless nicola, i have missed you for every so long. Dont turn your emotions back on again, youve now learnt what happens.

'Hello bitch'

Stupid pathetic whore. The bitch helps me starve. Bitch and Anorexia kinda collaborate into one big emotionless wreckless destruction of nicola. I dont like nicola, so woo, lets get that fucking collaboration started. About time i say! The diet of vodka and laxatives is about to start again and i couldnt give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. Hahahaha, my "FRIEND" said to me today 'there is a counceller at college, apparently she is good...i think you should go see her as you need help' , i havent LOLed in a long time, but that is completly ridiculous, why dont i just stand on a frickin chair on the college cafe and shout to everyone there that i am anorexic, i am depressed, i am addicted to 'drugs' (are laxatives even drugs, think they are, isnt it over the counter drugs?) and once i start my alcohol intake i cannot stop until i vomit. That admirable little girl is gone. Sorry mummy, i know you are going to be disappointed but im fed up of living in my sisters shadow. Im never going to be a prize trophy that you can shove in peoples faces to make them jealous. I am nothing, i have nothing, i am worth nothing and im never going to get anywhere in life!

Monster, monster

Thursday 2nd December FAST

Friday 3rd December 56g tuna with 20g capers

Saturday 4th December FAST

Sunday 5th December FAST

Monday 6th December FAST

Tuesday 7th December 56g tuna with 20g capers

Wednesday 8th December 56g tuna with 20g capers, 1 carrot

Thursday 9th December FAST

Friday 10th December 56g tuna with 20g capers, Small house salad with Balsamic vinegar

Saturday 11th December Small house salad with Balsamic vinegar

Sunday 12th December FAST

Capers = 14cal per 100g

Tuna = 104cal per 100g

House salad = 20cal per pre-packed bowl

Balsamic vinegar = 14cal per Tbsp

Carrot = 30cal per 100g

GW - 84LBS

Binge on liquids.

So after binging on 2 cans of pepsi max and 2 pints of water, i decided today as well as restricting my calorie intake im now also going to restrict my fluid intake. On days im fasting im not allowed anymore than 400ml of water and days where im restricting im allowed 1 can of pepsi max and 600ml of water. The last thing i want to do is put on water weight, and ive done just that today, ive gained 2lbs in liquid, and that sucks, because all i want to do is lose 2lbs, not gain 2 fucking disgusting fat lbs.

I lost 3lbs since yesterday, yay me, not! Such a fat horrible cow, wish i was just bone, wish i could just rot while still alive, so then once i die there is nothing left, the process is finished, my soul has been taken, my body had been broken down, nothing can feed on me, because nothing deserves to witness the poison that is within my flesh, with in my soul. I am a monster, a horrible, torturing, inconsiderate monster, that deserves to watch itself rot in front of the mirror. I deserve to look like a disgusting disfigured corpse, mutilated my self-starvation and addiction. I deserve all this for the simple reason or hurting you. I dont deserve life, or opportunity, i defiantly done deserve happiness, prosperity, love. All i deserve is my bittersweet decent with the monster inside of me. I'll let it rip me apart, il let it tear that thing know as 'Nicola' right up in front of my eyes. I dont want to be 'Nicola' anymore, she is evil, disgusting, slutty, whorish, scum who deserves death and torture.

The world should be rid of me, i am actually the human form of the devil and it disgusts me that ive formed myself into such a traitorous beast. 'Pretty' on the outside, but ugly as fucking hell on the inside. Look at me now, im not that pretty girl anymore.