Why am i doing this?

I mean, my life was just starting to piece itself together when i decided to stop eating, why did i decide to stop eating. What the hell made me stop eating. Sometimes i think ive blocked off bad memories, because sometimes i think things, horrible awful things. I used to think about these things alot, im to embarrassed to admit what i think. But i feel disgraced and repulsed by myself for thinking it. Some part of me thinks something must of happened for me to think this way, for me to play these scenes out in my head, because its not right for someone to think such horrible things.

Ive eaten a can of tuna with 23g capers and 50g carrots for the last two days running, and im planing on carrying that on, until i run out of tuna and capers and carrot, then im going to find something else to live off. A very large part of me actually gets a kick out of starving myself. I find it funny, i dont know why, i feel like laughing hysterically at myself telling myself i deserved it and that its funny to watch me do it to myself. My sister seems to laugh enough at my eating habits, along with my mother, so maybe it is funny. Maybe it is funny to watch a blood relative obsess over the bowl of tuna she eats a day. I dont know, all i know is i feel exactly the same right now as i did the Summer i got very ill with anorexia. I dont ever recognise myself in the mirror anymore. I looked deep into my eyes tonight while sitting in front of the mirror, and i was filled with terror. Theres something not right with me, something bad. Theres something bad inside of me and i need to be taken away from everyone.

NIB NAB FUCKING FLAB.

SHOVE YOUR MEAL PLAN UP YOUR ASSHOLE DR. GREEN!

New daily allowance?:

50g raw carrot

50g cold peas

100g tuna

1 pack Melba toast with marmite

No1 can control my intake apart from me. I'm fed up of my brother and sisters incessant piss-taking of my compulsory skills with the scales, so fucking what if my dinner has to be exact to the gram, it doesn't mean you need to take the mick out of me to the point of tears when we have guests over for a meal! If I'm not being picked on by some cunt, I'm being dictated to by some 'know-it-all' who actually cant claim to give a real fuck. Its been the same my whole life, and it will always be the same. I just want to be left alone now, so no1 can take the piss out of me and no1 can tell me what to do.

My goal is no longer a fucking number, my goal is to have absolutley everything in its exact position. Whether that be the correct bones, the correct 'emotions' or the correct fucking pencil. I want EVERYTHING to be in MY order becuase ive never had my way before and i want my own way now. 

I want to be my own person, thats all ive ever wanted but all ive never got.

Lost

Ugh, ive lost all hope in just about everything. I cant be arsed to socialise with anyone, so this post is only going to be short and i shall return when i am in a better state of mind. Im lost in my own head, im supposed to be the only one who can navigate around the stupid thing, but i am officially lost in it. 

If i just act happy, everyone thinks im happy, so from now on, eating habits are something i talk to myself about and no1 else.

I had a bad night, i weighed 150g of dinner out for myself. 30g carrots, 20g of peas, and 100g tuna.

Ive completely lost all of my marbles. I hope my meal plan burns so that i never have to follow the disgusting thing again. Shove your 1 portion of fat up my fat fucking arse!

 This was about 2-3 weeks ago at 88.5lbs

ANOTHER PLAN

Im starting to get really angry with myself for always making so many different fucking plans for different fucking weeks then finding a better plan a couple of hours later. Sorry for bad language. Here is my official plan for this week and next week:

Tuesday - Fast

Wednesday - Meal with friends, but stick to veggies and no sweet snacking afterwards

Thursday - FAST

Friday - FAST

Saturday - Christmas day (more details listed below)

Sunday - FAST INVF

Monday - FAST INVF

Tuesday - FAST INVF

Wednesday - FAST INVF

Thursday -1 bowl of veggies, 2 slices of toast

Friday - 1 bowl of rice, 1 bowl of veggies

Saturday - FAST

Sunday - FAST

Monday - FAST

Tuesday - 1 bowl rice, 1 bowl of veggies

Christmas day = hugely unpopular day for me, i want to kill myself, i want to hang myself with the beads from my christmas tree. God give me strenght i wish i could avoid food, i really wish. But i cant hurt my family. Thinking of my grandad worrying about me on christmas day as i dont eat the dinner makes me cry, i cant do that to him. Ive only ever wanted him to be proud of his grandaughter. This is all terribly secret for me in terms of family and friends, so i have to act normal. So anyway,  the plan for christmas day:

Dont eat until the christmas dinner is served, ARGHHHH! FUKING FOOD!

Allowed: 5 sprouts, 5 pieces of carrot, 2 stems brocoli, 1 potato half, 1 yorkshire pudding, 2 table spoons stuffing,  gravy baby, 2 mouthfuls of dessert.

After the christmas meal im not allowed to snack. Im allowed one candy cane in the evening, and will have to stick to vodka and pepsi max for the rest of the day. FOOD = FAT, FAT = UGLY, UGLY = NO TYRONE. NO TYRONE = ME AT THE MOMENT, ME AT THE MOMENT = FAT UGLY FOODOHOLIC who lost her boyfriend due to her disgusting binging habits that he could no longer stomach.

INVF = If not visiting family. Christmas time brings lots of 'family' FUCKING meals. If i visit family i will eat a small portion of what ever is being served. Hopefully i will have notice, as no notice = complete and utter panic follwed by tears and tantrums by yours truely.

I used to eat alot of rice when i was skinny last year. I think i had about 80g dried weight, which made alot of rice, i used to have it with peas, or sometimes id make it all exciting and id have a red onion with it and toss abit of pilau rice seasoning in it to make it a pretty orange colour. I also used to eat alot of porridge. But i dont like eating breakfast. Breakfast isnt good for nicola, as then nicola wants to eat for the rest of the day! 

I also decided that im not an anorexic anymore. Im bulimia type 2 - as i binge and purge with laxatives and i have restircting habits. Im all over the place. I dont think ive ever been anorexic, i think im just floating, sometimes i think im one of those really annoying wannarexics, that worries me a little. I hope i dont come across as one. Im just calling myself a nice fat ednos at the moment. EDNOS EDNOS EDNOS :(

Sorry for my absolutley disgusting language in this blog post. I seem to like swearing alot at the moment.

I painted my bedroom, it looks lovely! Cant really see it here but its a very very very light grey and i have a double bed, mmm spacious, only me in it though, and basil at times. Its ivory frame and i have lovely white sheets on it. And my room is lovely and simple and best of all bright. I hate dark rooms, when i was in the sisters room (who has dark purple curtains and a big blind that she keeps down) my depression was at its worst. I coudnt get out of bed i was so drained, i think thats what pushed me over the edge. I admitted i was depressed to my mum after like 3 days of being in that bedroom, and ive kept it to myself for over a year. I also ended up dropping out of college and losing all faith in ever getting better again. Now im stuck in fasting mode. I love fasting!

Also another rule for myself. Make myself look nice each day. Like in the picture above. I will make myself have nice hair and do my makeup nicely each day. And i will make sure i wear clothes that are dark, as thats what i feel most confident in. I want to look nice as then i feel more confident about myself. I went through a phase of perfecting my self every single day in 2009 during the summer, even though i never went out. I just had to look nice incase something happened. I styled my hair every day and did my makeup nicely. And then i stopped this after my depression kicked in big time. But i want to start again as i think it might ease up my depression abit. 

Sorry for the long post.

my my my

6st8 after 3 days of fasting, SO FAT, I WAS 89 2 WEEKS AGO, FUCK MY HORRIBLE FAT DISGUSTING APPETITE, IM A POOR EXCUSE FOR AN ANOREXIC, I DONT DESERVE THE FUCKING LABLE, I WILL MAKE MYSELF DESERVE THE LABLE AGAIN, I WILL GET INTO THE MID80S AND GO LOWER AGAIN, I WILL BE SKINNY AGAIN. Im on my period, that normally adds about 2 or 3 lbs to me. So fingers crossed i will be atleast 87 by christmas. Im fasting tomorrow, wednesday i have bloody meal, ugh!,Thursday and friday will be spend fasting.I'm feeling terribly lonely at the moment, so it should be nice to spend some time with my friends   but minus the food would be alot better. Gotta get my fasting head on again, which should be easy enough. I've pledged to myself to never binge again, a binge to me is anything over 800calories, i have decided this about 20 minutes ago. I feel so fat and lazy at the moment, like im doing nothing with my life. Which is true, i only work 17 hours a week. I need to take up a fitness regime in the new year. Im so worried and paranoid that everyone thinks im fat and lazy, its really gettting my down. Im a shadow of my former self as far as confidence goes, and ive never had much. Ive just been wittled down to nothing due to paranoa, and the sense of disworth for just about everything in this world. Being dead would be so much easier!

Binge free days = 4

Scared, fat and crying. I cant cope anymore. Weight after binge: 98lbs. I was 90lbs on monday evening. Im so embarresed to admit the weight of myself at the moment Im so disgusting, im so gross. I cant stop crying. I need to stop binging, i cant do it to myself anymore, its to much of a stress on top of everything thats going hrough my head. I know im fat, thats all i tell myself, but i still eat. Why do i eat?! Why can i go for periods of not eating then binge for 4 days in a row and muck everything up. I hate myself, i wish i was dead. I wish i was just fucking gone. Nothing will leave my head, i just want my head to be empty like it used to be. I wish i was that emotionless bitch again that just starved and got drunk occasionally.

I dont care about anything anymore. I dont care about me, i dont care about work, i dont care about future. Im fasting until wednesday. Its my longest fast, its my most needed fast. What kind of a disgusting bitch stuffs 8lbs worth of food in herself. Me, thats what kind of disgusting bitch. All my fucking laxativs are gone, i tried to purg but i cant, nothing comes up. I wish someone would just happen, whether it be a fucking bomb blows me up of my stomach splits in half with the amount of  disgusting food.

For the next 2 weeks im not allowed to go over 78cals a day. Excluding christmas day, how the fuck am i going to escape that fucking one?!

I FUCKING HATE YOU!

Rules for January:

Anorexia related:

1. Dont eat before 6pm or after 8pm

2. Dont eat more than 2 items of food a day e.g 1 courgette, 1 onion

3. Dont feel guilty for throwing away food, infact it is encouraged, throw away everything you almost eat

4. Take laxatives 4 times a week (10-20 a time)

5. Do some sort of exercise everyday e.g walking, wii fit, fitness channel

6. DO NOT exceed 600calories a day

7. Fast 4 out of the 7 days each week

8. Fast every weekend without fail

9. Dont ask anyone you need help, let yourself fall, you will be proud of the results when you are bone

Personally related:

1. Draw atleast once a week

2. Exfoliate 2 times a week, your body can hold 2lbs of dead skin when it is starving

3. Avoid carbs

4. Dont feel guilty if you want to self harm, people shouldnt make you feel guilty for who you are

5. Clean the house daily for my mum so i burn calories and so she doesnt get angry at me all the time

6. Act happy, so no1 suspects you of what youre really worth

7. Die, very soon, please

Monday - FAST                                                                                        CAL 2+2+2+2 = 8
Tuesday - FAST                                                                                        CAL 2+2+2+2 = 8
Wednesday - 1 courgette, 1 onion                                                              CAL 46+30 = 76
Thursday - 1 pack melba toast with cheese, 80g salted peas                         CAL 78+121+88 = 287
Friday - 1 can chopped tomatoes with red onion and herbs, 1 clemetine         CAL 88+46+4 = 138
Saturday - FAST                                                                                       CAL 2+2+2+2 = 8
Sunday - FAST                                                                                         CAL 2+2+2+2 = 8

Welcome.

Welcome to bitchmode. I have officially turned it on again, and i am not going to turn it off. I did for a few months and let myself fall in love. But you know what, the bitch is always going to come back to haunt me, and haunt me she has done. I mean its not guna magically prevent me from being in love with someone who doesnt care about me anymore, but its going to make it more bareable. For now on its me, myself and i. Hello emotionaless nicola, i have missed you for every so long. Dont turn your emotions back on again, youve now learnt what happens.

'Hello bitch'

Stupid pathetic whore. The bitch helps me starve. Bitch and Anorexia kinda collaborate into one big emotionless wreckless destruction of nicola. I dont like nicola, so woo, lets get that fucking collaboration started. About time i say! The diet of vodka and laxatives is about to start again and i couldnt give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. Hahahaha, my "FRIEND" said to me today 'there is a counceller at college, apparently she is good...i think you should go see her as you need help' , i havent LOLed in a long time, but that is completly ridiculous, why dont i just stand on a frickin chair on the college cafe and shout to everyone there that i am anorexic, i am depressed, i am addicted to 'drugs' (are laxatives even drugs, think they are, isnt it over the counter drugs?) and once i start my alcohol intake i cannot stop until i vomit. That admirable little girl is gone. Sorry mummy, i know you are going to be disappointed but im fed up of living in my sisters shadow. Im never going to be a prize trophy that you can shove in peoples faces to make them jealous. I am nothing, i have nothing, i am worth nothing and im never going to get anywhere in life!

Monster, monster

Thursday 2nd December FAST

Friday 3rd December 56g tuna with 20g capers

Saturday 4th December FAST

Sunday 5th December FAST

Monday 6th December FAST

Tuesday 7th December 56g tuna with 20g capers

Wednesday 8th December 56g tuna with 20g capers, 1 carrot

Thursday 9th December FAST

Friday 10th December 56g tuna with 20g capers, Small house salad with Balsamic vinegar

Saturday 11th December Small house salad with Balsamic vinegar

Sunday 12th December FAST

Capers = 14cal per 100g

Tuna = 104cal per 100g

House salad = 20cal per pre-packed bowl

Balsamic vinegar = 14cal per Tbsp

Carrot = 30cal per 100g

GW - 84LBS

Binge on liquids.

So after binging on 2 cans of pepsi max and 2 pints of water, i decided today as well as restricting my calorie intake im now also going to restrict my fluid intake. On days im fasting im not allowed anymore than 400ml of water and days where im restricting im allowed 1 can of pepsi max and 600ml of water. The last thing i want to do is put on water weight, and ive done just that today, ive gained 2lbs in liquid, and that sucks, because all i want to do is lose 2lbs, not gain 2 fucking disgusting fat lbs.

I lost 3lbs since yesterday, yay me, not! Such a fat horrible cow, wish i was just bone, wish i could just rot while still alive, so then once i die there is nothing left, the process is finished, my soul has been taken, my body had been broken down, nothing can feed on me, because nothing deserves to witness the poison that is within my flesh, with in my soul. I am a monster, a horrible, torturing, inconsiderate monster, that deserves to watch itself rot in front of the mirror. I deserve to look like a disgusting disfigured corpse, mutilated my self-starvation and addiction. I deserve all this for the simple reason or hurting you. I dont deserve life, or opportunity, i defiantly done deserve happiness, prosperity, love. All i deserve is my bittersweet decent with the monster inside of me. I'll let it rip me apart, il let it tear that thing know as 'Nicola' right up in front of my eyes. I dont want to be 'Nicola' anymore, she is evil, disgusting, slutty, whorish, scum who deserves death and torture.

The world should be rid of me, i am actually the human form of the devil and it disgusts me that ive formed myself into such a traitorous beast. 'Pretty' on the outside, but ugly as fucking hell on the inside. Look at me now, im not that pretty girl anymore.

Condensation on my window sill

95 94 93 92 91 90 89

Ok, so im losing quicker than i thought was possible, its kinda intoxicating as well as kinda terrifying. I mean, at this point its easy to spiral out of control. Losing 1 lb a day is like taking a sniff of the strongest coke, or a shot of the purest vodka, you are scared to do it at first, but once its done, you want it more, and more, until it becomes an obsession, until your life relies on this 1 lb a day that you have to lose or you have to punish yourself. Punish yourself by staying up 3 hours longer at night, punish yourself by not drinking that juice in the morning. Punish yourself by making yourself so weak you have to crawl down the stairs holding back that sickly acidic vomit that is crawling up your throat, knocking at the roof of your mouth waiting to escape. A sequence of punishments until you have lost that 1 lb, a sequence of punishments until you have lost everything. until your bones jut through your dry flaking skin like barbed wired ripping through a piece of pure white cotton.

Its addicting, the world seems blurry, kind of hazy, im confused, my head feels like its spinning and my eyes cant focus much. I've eaten the last two days, after i had to pull myself from my bed and slowly go down the stairs as my knees were trembling, my vision was black and the vomit was sloshing in my mouth, shaking as a measures out my 100ml of juice, my only sugar intake for the day, making sure it was accurate to the very ml, i love my little measuring spoons, however they are so terribly difficult to use when your hand is trembling so much and your whole body is pushed up against the work top in attempt to stop your legs from giving way and not being able to get back up. That first sip of disgustingly sweet juice, and you can feel it, making the journey slowly down your throat, making your teeth cold, you can feel it dripping into your stomach, each tiny sip giving you a little more energy. Maybe its a trick, maybe the 1 sip i took from that juice didn't give me the energy i thought i had, maybe it was all in my mind. Maybe my mind is playing a series of tricks on me, testing my power to fool myself. Either way i lost a 1 1/2lbs on Monday, either way that sheer weakness was worth it. It seems a comforting type of punishment for the things i had done.

Now im sitting here waiting, for the brutality of my punishment to come back and hit me when i try to wake up in the morning, hopefully it will be on Saturday morning, i only plan to eat an apple until then, but perhaps i will take this from myself, the one piece of passion in my life at the moment i may chose to take away, in order to lose those extra few grams, besides those few grams add up to that lb, that lb adds up to that stone, that stone adds up to perfection. Until im there, stood in the mirror looking at myself, repulsed by my own reflection. To myself i will say;

"You deserved this you whore, you stupid repulsive whore"

To which i will have no reply, i will merely accept this hatred that lingers inside me, i will accept it and i will climb back into bed, clutching onto my hipbones, running my fingers along my ribs, making myself feel comforted at the disgusting corpse i have starved myself to. I find myself disgusting now, but im going to find myself more disgusting in a couple of weeks. I scared myself when i looked in the mirror on Monday morning, between the black flickers that was supposed to be my sight and the blur that was supposed to be me, i saw someone, someone i havent seen in a long time. I saw that girl who used to stand in the mirror for hours, swaying gently, as if the wind is blowing her about, confused by her own reflection. Her skin so pale it looked as though she hadn't seen light in weeks, her dark eye circle so big it looked as though she has cried off her entire makeup back. This girl scares me, but this girl is also incredibly intoxicating. I cant stop myself, i must meet her again, i must become her again.

I let her take you, now im going to let her take me.

 Goodbye in advance

HAVE HAVE HAVE to be strict on myself. Ideally i want to be 5st10 in the next 3 to 4 weeks. I weighed myself this morning, and due to my mum force feeding me horrible food and my whole epic event with the salt water i was 6st10, omg so embarrising to admit, im so fat :(. 14lbs to lose in 21 - 28 days, TOTALLY FRICKIN ACHIEVABLE, to do this i will follow this plan:

Monday: Fast

Tuesday: Fast

Wednesday: 1 apple, 2 clementine

Thursday: 1 apple

Friday: 1 apple, 2 clementine

Saturday: Fast

Sunday: Fast

Hopefully i will lose 3-5lbs a week on this plan, however i will probably lose fuck all, such a fat cow :( Ordering 'the worlds most extreme fat burner' in a couple of days, then are pretty expensive, but im giving myself a little more money for every day i fast.

Im starting fasting tomorrow, today my mum made me eat again, jesus christ, that bitch wants me to feed the family at christmas doesnt she :(, so im fasting friday-tuesday. If tyrone doesnt speak to me in the form of a proper conversation by then im going to carry on fasting as punishment for being such a worthless peice of shit. So sick and tired of being ignored, its like i dont exist, i wish i didnt exist, dying now would be a much nicer experience then being given the cold shoulder by the person your in love with!

Rules and restrictions...

So from thursday (tomorrow) onwards to tuesday evening, all i shall be allowed is pepsi max and fresh lemon juice squeezed into boiling water. I have to be strict inorder to lose. No fat allowed at all in any of the drinks i consume. On saturday and sunday morning i will allow myself 100ml of pure pink grapefruit juice, so i have some blood sugars so i dont faint at work. Other than that i am allowed no other substance that i havent listed. I HAVE to be 6st5 for monday and i HAVE to be 6st for 1st december. I will do anything to get to this, i will fast my weakened heart to fucking death if i have to. 6st is no great feat, ive reached it before, but it will be an acomplishment which i shall be proud of. Then i can get to 80lbs for christmas easily :) I think thats 5st10, which OMG is so cool, but also seems so big. But anyway yeah...

Thursday - pepsi max, hot lemon water

Friday - pepsi max, hot lemon water

Saturday - 100ml grapefruit juice, pepsi max, hot lemon water

Sunday - 100ml grapefruit juice, pepsi max, hot lemon  water

Monday - pepsi max, hot lemon water

I WILL DO IT, I MUST DO IT, I WILL DO IT NO MATTER WHAT. Fuck everything else, fuck college, fuck future, fuck my family, im doing this so i become a better person, so i can become pure and no1 will stop me, nothing will stop me, not even death will stop me. Im doing this so you will think im pretty enough to be your girlfriend again.

After 3 and 1/2 days my friend comes over with cake and i have to eat a piece in front of her. FAT FUCKING BITCH. So i drank 1 pint of warm water with 6tbsp sea salt to make myself puke, 40 minutes later the salt is still floating around inside of me. WHAT THE FUCK, i am so bloated from all the liquid, its so horrible. What a waste of a fast, im such a wretched animal! And im now guna start pooing, as if its not puked out you get diahorrea, and ive got a driving lesson, this is the worst day of my life. Apart from being dumped by tyrone, that really was  the worst day of my life. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH, I WISH I WAS DEAD. 

Look what youre fucking doing to me, are you happy now. I cant even eat!

Now fasting again, from now until tuesday morning/afternoon. Im shaking im panicing so much, all the fat is guna seep into my body, ive bet i gained like 10lbs and yesterday i lose 2lbs, WTF why am i such a failure, im never having a friend over again. Im going to refuse point blank to eat food in future. Fuck you all, i dont want to fucking eat. I NEED to be 80lbs by 1st december, and i will!

Bored with to much energy

Third day of my fast, and i acutally feel on top of the world! Dont know where all this energy is coming from but its making me feel pure as hell, im normally fainting by now, i think the 20 laxative collapsing for half an hour incident has toughened my body up abit! Might fast tomorrow, which will be my forth day, will be beating my record of 3 days then, will have to see how i feel, but if i do wednesday, im guna have to do thursday aswell as its just in the rules at the moment, i dont know why, it just feels like it is. Which will mean il only eat 1 day this week, as i have to fast saturday, sunday, monday every week, and if i fail one day i have to extend it by a further day until i do complete the  day fast. The rules are good, they will lead to weight loss. And despite my scales saying i have only lost 1lb due to my crappy period i think ive lost more, i havent had that kind of torso definition for a while, so hopefully when the period goes the lbs will fall. Bloody water retention. Hope i have enough energy to fast tomorrow, its getting addicting!

Thought id add abit if life to this blog;

Pictures taken from today and yesterday evening after 2 day fast, some relevent to the fast, some just showing off my ball of joy :)

Yeah, i am ADDICTED to my pink hotwater bottle, and yes i do have funny to bald patches either side of my head. Yes they are recent and yes they are due to anorexia, my hair has got so god damn thin, its horrible. Literally a handful a day, but id rather be skinny with thin hair then fat with nice hair :P

Second day fast completed, kinda disappointed that i dont feel weak, and i just weighted myself and for a 2 day fast only losing 1lb is seriously disappointing, but i think the fact im on my period is making me retain alot of water and weighing myself at night never works out well for me, i always seem to lose another lb overnight, so hopefully tomorrow morning will bring the 2lb mark. Even if it does im thiking of fasting past tuesday, and possibly onto wednesday, i know i have a driving lesson, but i really cant cope with the fat right now. Its so disgusting and everything going on with tyrone is making me feel so worthless and disgusting. I must be really repulsive if someone cant love me enough to be with me. God im so vile, i need to get to a low weight or i think i will lose all my sanity and end up killing myself. I dont care if i pass out at college or at work or at home or walking home, i just want to be fucking skinny, and if that takes fasting all week until next sunday then i will do it becuase i dont want to be like this anymore. I dont want to look fat anymore. I dont want anyone to look at me and think nice things, becaue im repulsive and i only deserve repulsed reactions.

Tuesday = fast

Wednesday = 1 apple (or fast, have driving lesson so will see how much energy i have)

Thursday = 1 apple, 1 clementine

Friday = 2 clemetines (or fast)

Saturday = fast

Sunday = fast

Monday = fast

Arriving at...

Fasted today, yay. Mum didnt say anything about me eating. Well she asked if i was guna eat the brownie in the fridge and i went no i dont want it. That was the end of being spoken to about food. Something is always said like 'what are you guna eat, you cant not eat' followed by suggestions of food. I guess she was to preoccupied with sulking this evening, leaving my brother with a HUGE sauce pan of pasta with bacon and cheese sauce to eat. I didnt see him complaning though, he sat on the sofa with the whole saucepan and ate it while we watched tv together, i think he enjoyed it haha, fatty, god i got alot of brotherly love for him, dont want him to grow up :(

Tomorrow i plan to fast aswell, and hopefully the day after. I have the power in me i know i do. Plus i need to get to 84lbs or less for christmas day, so i need to be strict. Making fasting on saturday, sunday, monday a regular thing. Possibly thursday aswell. Got no-one to try get better for anymore, so i may aswell carry on with my desent to anorexic lala land!

From now on i refuse to eat processed. That includes, but does not limit, the banned intake of; bread, crisps, chocolate, chips, cake. Just about everything other than vegetables and fruit are banned. Im also letting myself have melba toast and soup though, as i know i need something with less citrus for my teeth! Bread was a BIG part of my diet before and cutting it out is going to make me lose alot i think, i hope, i bloody hope so! 

Despite enjoying donig to myself, a big part of my wishes tyrone was here to stop me, because i am actually really scared, what happens when i collapse, what happenes when im 84lbs, what happenes when i physically cant eat anymore, what happenes when im in hospital and i want the guy i love to be there to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be ok. The voice in my head is being left to ravange me now, there no comfort, theres no love, theres no hope left. I wish i had tyrone :(

"The thought of death isnt what scares me though, what scares me if the thought of not being with you once im gone, what if we are seperated, never to be together again. You might call it destiny, but fuck destiny, im killing myself for you, so i can be with you at peace forever, so you can forgive me, what happenes if we arent together once it all happens?"

I think the amount of love i have for this boy is pretty ridiculous, and i think its really time to try to move on, becuase he doesnt care anymore. Infact im wondering 'did he ever care?'  because the more i think about out relatipship, the more i realise i was just another fuck to him. When i didnt want sex because i felt fat he would get in a mood with me, when i talked about how i felt he would just shout at me, when he was with his friends he wouldnt look at me, and 'i love you' was only said in person when i said it first. It hurts to think i meant nothing to you, and it hurts to think you can just get on with you life, while im left here punsihing myself becuase i meant nothing to you.

Feel HORRIBLE this morning, guessing its from the laxatives. But my eyes have swollen up, well most of my face has really and i feel like ive got the worlds worst cold, i can hardly breath. Everything hurts, can hardly move my eyes without feeling like they are going to pop out. Serve me right for eating food, silly fat cow! 

Cant wait to fast until monday, my stomach will be empty, ahh gota love an empty stomach, gets you through everything. Being tiny (80-) is the only thought keeping mee alive at the moment, i have nothing else left apart from anorexia, and the thought of being that weight my christmas makes me feel like maybe i have a little glimmer of hope that i can carry on living my life abit more peacefully. Every other thing i do in life just fucks me over then leaves, but anorexia doesnt. Shes always there, whether i want her there or not, she always is, and im thankfull i guess, becuase when i dont want other people there they just leave, but she actually cares thats why she stays. She cares when i do something silly, and encourages me to prevent it, and when i do something good she praises me and helps me to carry on.

Need to go to town later really, dont know if im going to be able to though, i mean 20 laxatives arent really a recipe for sucess when you are walking around the place are you. Going to get a pregnany test, my dodgy periods are driving me crazy and i want to rule it out when i am not pregnant and that i am not going to get nasty and fat and saggy and even uglier. Also have to pick up my wages and gloves, my forgetfullness is getting ridiculous. Every week i lose my work gloves and have to get a new pair, they will start charging me soon, i need to order them on bulk from ebay or something :P.

My whole life i've been trying to be someone im not. Ive been trying to be someone people will like, who people wont find a problem with, you people wont find a reason to bully, and its left me with not a single ounce of what i once was.

When im asked to list 10 things about myself i have to think so long and hard to think up the 'correct' and 'acceptable' answers that form a part of my false identity. I know nothing about myself and it hurts so bad. Earlier i was making an effort to try.  and get better and write myself a list of; 10 things that make me unique from everyone else and i couldnt think of a single thing. Everything i have everyone else has, its either been copied from an acceptable action that i saw when i was younger, or copied from a magazine. There is no ounce of me left, not one single bit, and it hurts so much, the person i was born as is no longer there, theres just a lifeless shell that was once occupied with so much life and innocence, and that has been destroyed myself becuase i wanted to be accepted by people.

Im still that four year old girl in the playground, lost with no friend to play with. Im still that four year old girl that got bullied and started to hate herself. Im still that four year old girl who never found herself acceptable and started to hate herself becuase people hated her. As people always say; they only say those things becuase they are 'jealous' but they arent true. Its kinda hard to believe they are not true when everyone hates you and you have no friends. Ive hate myself for the last 13 years of my life and ive done everything to escape the scariest thing - myself. My whole life is just one big act, one big ploy, to try and con people into thinking this is the real 'me'. But i dont like the 'me' i have made. Ive made a horrible monster who feeds of itself and who is the most socially challegened person i have ever met. I hate meeting new people, i hate being nervous and not knowing what to say, its so hard for me, and people dont understand, they just think im a bitch. But its becuase i havent taught myself to be socail, becuase ive tried to hide from being social my whole life in the fear i might get bullied.

Being bullied has ultimatly ruined my life forever, but i cant really blame that, i can only blame myself, becuase i let myself listen, and i let myself get hurt by that bulling. I made the decision at just four years old who i was wasnt acceptable and decided to change it. I've ruined my life forever. Once again i am to blame for everything wrong with my life, i hate who i am, i wish i could change it, but its too late, i want to be the real me, but the real me disappeared a long time ago, and i dont know if i can get her back.

I cant put into words how disgraced i am with myself, nor can i put into words how much i lothe myself. I wish i could take every false characteristic back that i have spewed out into this world, because its just made everyone hate me. Im sorry if you hate me, i really am sorry, you wernt supposed to hate me, i was just trying to be the 'acceptable' and 'likeable' person.

Make that 110!

Im growing each day, i see it in the mirror, i see it when i look down at myself, i see it in every relfection that my eye catches when im walking along. I cant bear myself, i just want to disappear, i dont want to have to see myself anymore. I just wish i could become invisable, have no1 look at my disgsuting body and not have to look at it myself. I've set my alarm and im taking 20 laxatives at 2.30 am, so late becuase i know they will kick in quickly due to the volume and i dont want to be losing myself to a toilet when my mum and brother are still at home. I wish i could just die, im going to start a fast tomorrow, and carry it on for as long as possible. I have nothing on any particular importance going along in the form of dead lines at college, so weakness will be fine. 

God i hate myself so much, i spend every moment crying, i even broken down when i went to the toilet at college earlier and saw my thighs when i looked down, im so fat and disgusting, im covered in so much fat, i dont understand how its possible for one person to have such a concentrated amount of fat. Im so wide and disgusting, i want to be narrow and pretty and perfect and dainty. I just want to be skinny and im so far from it it seems like its impossible at the moment. I know my weight to some is 'perfect' and 'inspiration' but i find it so revolting, i have to hold myself back from crying every single moment of the day, especially when i sit down and my fat spreads out, consuming the chair and everything around it, it would probably eat the frikin newspapers in the libary if it had its own seperate mouth.

I took my first driving lesson yesterday, and i've had to make out to everyone that it was good and fun, i mean i wasnt shit, i was ok, but i was so scared. Not of driving, but i was terrified i was going to get attacked by my instructor, im gonig to put in a complaint about him to the company, but i feel really guilty, my friend told me i should though when i told her what he was doing. I just wanted to cry. I cant get in a car with a man without shitting my pants and acting all weird, its a real struggle for me, but when hes there winking at me and eyeing up my legs it makes the situation so much harder. Ive changed insturctors, but im scared its going to be the same with him, but i cant find any female instructors where i live. Its guna be a slow process of learning to actually trust someone.

GW1 - 87

GW2 - 85

GW3 - 83

GW4 - 80

GW5 - 79 - i know this wont be low enough, but i can go from there.

Embarresed and FAT

Horrible binge the last few day, on bread?! Of all things, why bread, i must of eaten like 2 big loaves of bread in the last 4 days, disgusting fat horrible carb craving cunt! Im so embarresed with myself, i swear i look about 100lbs at the moment, im to scared to even get on the scales. Seriously fat!

Im making myself go to college every day, as it makes me stay away from food. Tommorow i refuse to eat a single slice of bread, i cant have it anymore, i just end up binging on it. Why the hell do i binge on bread, it makes me bloat sooo much!

Tomorrow im allowing myself 1 apple (50) 6 slices melba toast (78) and thats it. Have both of these things after college, wash it down with a nice mug of hot water then off to bed! I get to take laxatives tomorrow aswell as i start college late, ahh so excited! Cant wait to get rid of this big fat stomach. I think im going to take 10, seems like a good amount at the moment, wish i could go back to the days of taking 10 every day, ahh what a tiny stomach it gave me. Right now i look pregnant and feel pregnant, so freaking huge! It doesnt help with the fact i stopped taking my contraceptive pill about 1 weeks ago, and im still waiting for a period, thats not right, its meant to come 2 days after. Seriosuly fucked myself  up, seeing as the period before that was about 3 hours long then stopped.

Stupid fat body, doesnt even work properly cause its got so much f'ing bread it! I hate myself, such a stupid fat ugly dumb disgusting cunt!

FATCUNT

So i stuck to my guns all day, had 2 slices of melba toast at work, i had one for breakfast also but took it out of my four allowed when i got home. So i had 3 slices tonight. I also thought it would be a good idea (I DONT KNOW WHY I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA) to have 2 custard cream biscuits, both at 59 calories, FATCUNT, i feel guilty, i feel fat, i also feel very sick and weak as ive done a 9 hour shift today at work.

Total was 196, seriously disappointed, i was only supposed to have 78! Grrr, pray to god i have lost a lb, but i doubt i have, im so fat :(. I feel so fat and gross, but i can feel ana getting a little stronger inside me each day, i guess this is what you call a relapse as for about 6 months ive been trying to get better and eating 700+ a day. What a big mistake, it didnt pay off, all its done if left me fat and ugly and lonely, even fatter and uglier than i already was, is that even possible?!

The best hot chocolate ever. This is from last winter, about 300calories a pop, pure heaven but jewizz, say hello too two days intake! :P

MORNING

Whats the plan today?

Well i have work 11am untill 8pm today, with 1 hours break, in which i will be finding my sisters birthday present and eating 2 slices of melba toast. The other 4 slices will be for after work unless i dont want to eat them, which i dont, but they are there just in case. So my total for today should be 73calories. Including the 1 pepsi max i will drink and the squash it should bring it to 80calories. 

Seems like quite a big number, but its always going to seem like a big number if its anything more than 1. Dont know why, just does. I know its not that much, because i know most of who are reading this will be eating more than that. Lost a lb yesterday, hope to lose another one today, im hopeful in saying i would like to loose one tomorrow but with my friends surprise 18th party im not sure whether it will be possible, but all i can do is try, i will eat 1 pack melba toast (73) during the day so i dont pig out and binge at the party, hopefully its a party with no food and just drink, thats my kinda party!

Have a nice day!

wow

Wow, not only have i just lost the person im in love with, i have also now lost my bestfriend. This seems familiar, i mean ive read about 40,000 other stories from anorexics who have been left alone by everyone. Im sorry for making you hurt, im sorry for making myself disappear, im sorry for changing myself into someone you dont even recognise anymore, im sorry i never speak to you anymore, im sorry i never tried, im sorry i became anorexic, im sorry il never be the same again. But most of all im sorry you will never seen this apology. I never meant to hurt you, i was just trying to be perfect.

FATTY

So went food shopping, ended up getting:

2 boxes melba toast (12)

4 cans soup (68-98)

8 cans pepsi max (0.5)

7 braeburn apples (47-60)

The dried stew mix i found was 256 calories per 100g, i was like flaming hell, i am NOT eating that, so i got the soups instead, winter vegetable broth (68), tomato (98), tomato and butterbean (91), then i got some cup-a-soup, tomato and basil flavour (98). So il be letting myself have one of the above a day, then i will be allowed 1 apple and 1 pack melba toast, they have these smalls packs in the box, 6 slices is 78 calories. GOD, i havent written about calories in a longggggg time.

I dont feel like im going to lose of this, i definatly will feel fat each day eating this much, the canned soup is in half portions, i will probably eat 2 portions in 1 meal, unless i havent walked off atleast 300calories during the day, then i will only be allowed 1 portion. Not sure if i will allow myself to eat 6 slices of melba toast in 1 day, that seems alot when accompanied by an apple, realistically i know on the day i consume the highest calorie soup im not going to be at 400calories, but to me right now that seems like a big number. I use calories to deal with something i didnt want to happen, that something was splitting up with tyrone, now the calories have come  back to haunt me, and omg 400 seems to be getting bigger each flaming time i mention it! Atleast my mum didnt complain when my basket compries of 8 pepsi max cans,  2 packs melba toast, 7 apples, 4 cans of soup, 1 pack cap-a-soup, FUCK, that seems like alot of food for me, it is for a week, but jesus! 

Im actually really lonely at the moment, i think thats why my anorexia is controlling me so much, normally i would eat about 700 - 1000 calories a day, which would explain why i have been maintaing for such a long time, but i was trying to get better for tyrone, and although he didnt think i was eating enough, and in truth i wasnt for a 'normal' person, but i was eating more than what i eat when im not trying to get better. Loneliness brings free time, free time brings anorexia, anorexia brings weightloss, weightloss brings false sense of achievement, false sense of achievement brings more weightloss, more weightloss brings worry to others, etc etc etc. Bottom line is, i want tyrone back but i know he will never give me another chance becuase ive haad to many chance i know i had, but each time i was improving (i thought) and was more worthy of being given the chance, god i made the  only person i ever loved and the only person who ever loved me hate me, what kind of a person am i, i dont even deserve to be a person. 

Today i ate:

1 slice bread - 100cal

1 baby yoghurt - 46cal

4 slice melba toast - 48cal

1 tin vegetable broth - 136cal

Total 330 - am i disappointed? - Yes, its always to much unless its nothing. :(

SUPERmarket

I feel so weak right now, 33 laxatives since monday was prehaps not the best decision i have made in a long time, i used to take 70 a week, but that was a long time ago, probably why i feel so weak now. I decided to eat a slice of bread (100) to try build my energy up a little, but its just made me 'go' again. I dont want to eat anymore, but if my mum makes me i will eat either a apple or a banana. If i didnt take laxatives i wouldnt of eaten because i acutally would of had some strength inside me to move without seeing black and guessing where each step is on the stairs whilst running my head along the wall and using my hands to grip my hipbones. Ohh hipbones, dear old hipbones, how i miss you when i eat.

Going food shopping with my mum tonight, im lucky enough to have a mum who despite says she worries about me, doesnt regularly force me to eat and lets me chose my own food when food shopping. 

On my list shall be:

7 apples

1 bag dried pulse mix

Melba toast (if i  can find it, if not 1 loaf low calorie bread)

4 sachets sugar free jelly mix
12 cans pepsi max

I know i probably wont eat that in a whole weak, but the calorie content alone doesn't even add up to 2000.

Its bonfire night tonight, i have nothing planned, nor will i probably plan anything because 1. Im shitting my pants 2. Everything involves food 3. I dont like socialising. So im going to have a nice miserable night in drinking fruit tea and watching the TV. Then i shall go to work tomorrow, not eat hopefully, 11am - 8pm, i have no cause to eat, nor any time!

Going to my friends 18th birthday party on Sunday, its a surprise, i haven't seen any of them since i was 15, that's 2 years ago now, im excited to see them i guess, im just worried they will all think im fat. My one friends told the birthday girl shes worried about my eating, and since then she stares at me like a hawk, but i get away with not eating, just tell them ive already eating. Like i say to my mum 'Oh i had a hugeeee pasta lunch at work, im to full to eat.' I aint guna complain for as long as they believe it. Leave me alone to get skinny and il be overly content.

Booked my first driving lesson on Wednesday, its 2 hours long, and omg i am popping myself (literally) I know il have to eat a little more on that day, maybe include an extra slice of bread before the lesson, or is that really a good idea, my mind will be on the food. Either way im buggered and im going to kangaroo down the road then greeting a little 11 year old school boy with the front bumper.

So my plan commencing on Monday goes like this:

Breakfast: Cup of tea

Lunch: 600ml pepsi maxx, or 500ml really light ribena (10)

Snack: 1 apple

Dinner: 70g stew mix with herbs, 2 slice Melba toast or 1 slice low calorie bread

FATWHORE

I was 92lbs this morning, i just got on the scales and i was 95lbs. I took 10 laxatives.

FAT DISGUSTING WHORE.

Its never going to be fast enough - i want it to happen fast, i cant stand being stuck in this fat anymore. Im not eating again until im 90lbs, then after than negative calories only. 

I want tyrone back and being skinny is the only way to get him back, he doesnt want some fat whore lead next to him, fat rolls over my stomach and my arse and thighs spilling out at the sides. Jesus christ, im disgusting, how the hell did i ever let myself get back into the 90s. Once im out, i promise never again, no matter what it fucknig takes!

food.

GOD, i feel fat!

Just finished eating for the day

1 bowl pulse mix (100)

1 1/2 slice of bread (150)

250 calories, fuck it, bingebox!