20th march

I'm so all over the place :( I don't know how to put into words how I'm feeling and I'm getting so frustrated at myself for that. I just feel like I'm alone, i am alone, i cant share with people how I'm truly feeling and its such a lonely thing to not be able to tell people how you feel. I just   want everything to disappear, i just want to be left alone with a bucket of water and a treadmill, so i can run all day and stay away from food. Its the only time i feel free, i haven't ran in so long and today i ran 3miles, and i felt free, i felt free of my insanities, i felt free of my petulant nagging of my own brain over food and fat. I pushed myself to run more, run faster, run harder, burn more calories, and it felt so good, it felt so nice and i just want that feeling all the time. My weights up so much, and its all fat, i can see it, everythings grown so much. My arms, my legs, my waist and its not imaginary. 
There was a time when my waist was 20inches and my thighs were 16. Now my waist is 23inches and my thighs are 19, and its so disgusting, i look so swollen and bloated and horrible, and I'm crying writing this because there is so much in my head and i cant get it all out. This keyboard will burn out before i manage to put into words the sheer anger in my head that i hold towards myself. I just want to rip by heart from my chest and give it to anorexia on a plate, and say fuck you, because this is horrible, i need an escape but there isn't any. I cant escape from how fat I've become, only i can tackle it, and i alone, and its so lonely, i hate doing things on my own, i hate being on my own, but i love being on my own as well. I just want support and acceptance off someone, but i get it off no1, My family wont accept the fact I'm ill, and i can see why, I'm so swollen and distended who would think I'm ill. Only fragile pretty girls are ill, not horrible monsters like me. I only feel OK with myself when I'm exercising, but even then i have to look down at my thighs wobbling, then i feel myself sweating and i think you fat disgusting monster, how could you let yourself get like this, how could you let yourself get so fat you sweat. You have to burn all this fat off right now. 
But that's the thing, i cant burn it all off right now, that's what frustrates me so much, i have to sit here and cry over how fat i am for another 2 months before I'm less fat, but even then i know how fat I'm still going to be, how much fatter I'm going to be to myself, how disgusting i am going to be, how much more i need to lose to gather acceptance off people. 
I really wonder what it would be like to be free of these thoughts. I'm never going to be free of them, not even if i recover. That just makes me want to die right here right now, I'm never going to have the freedom to do as i please, there is always going to have to be some structure because I'm so stupid and fat and horrible and rotten. I HATE MYSELF, i don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to deal with myself, i feel helpless, i feel like a 8year old who's been given a baby to look after as she asks herself how to look after this things shes been given when she can barely look after herself. I just want help, i just want to love myself. I just want to be a little more perfect, a lot less fat and a lot more loved by everyone. 
I just want to turn the hands of time back and tell myself to step back from the disordered thoughts and get help while i still can. I feel like I'm so deep into this shit that there is never going to be an escape. I'm so angry at myself for letting it get this way, for letting my body get this way. Why did i do such a horrible thing and eat?

The only thing that makes it better is not eating and i don't want to eat anymore.

19th march

MORNING

Only 5days until i go visit my sister, i am sooo scared. So fat and horrible, the thought of  being in a bikini actually makes me want to puke, especially when i look in the mirror, the amount of fat sends shivers down my spine. There is no muscle, i am like only of those horrible blobs that have no tone at all and its so disgusting, i need to get some tone back into my life!

This morning i woke up early, the poor postman much of had a shock when i opened the door looking like a zombie, bad nights sleep i put that down to. I had a dream in which i was attacked by a really fat boy, i keep having dreams  about food and fat people, I'm so greedy to dream about food. I dreamed about eating sweets when i fasted on Tuesday, i woke up crying, i couldn't work out whether id eaten the sweets or whether it was actually just in the dream, i was convinced i had been sleep eating, i was anxious for the rest of the day, i felt like a failed because id even started.

So yeah, back to waking up early, my train tickets got delivered, then i tidied the kitchen, its a really lovely day! I then exercised:

80cal on exercise bike

100cal on cross trainer

150cal UW fat burn set

120 weight reps - how many cals does that burn roughly, i read weight training burns more calories that cardio. *EDIT* Apparently i burned 36cals?

I got really sweaty, which i actually hate, but i love exercising. I don't understand why i have such a problem with sweat but i really don't like it, i feel gross when I'm exercising and i sweat, i think i just get the connotations of fat people in the gym, because they always sweat loads, then it makes me feel even fatter than i already am, well i don't feel fat, i am fat.

Guna go for a walk i think today, its lovely weather and i need to get some shit from the shops for my mother. We went food shopping last night to TESCO and i found 'streamline' jam, they do a no added sugar, of a reduced sugar jam. I got the raspberry no added sugar jam, its just made with sweetener instead. Its 100cal per 100g, which is like way better than usual jams which ca range from anything in between 260-300. I still haven't tried it, but I'm sure it will quench my sweet tooth. I'l have to give you feedback, if your interested that is. Has anyone else heard of it?

*EDIT* Have any of you ever taken Ephedrine. I'm thinking of buying some and would much rather a more personal review as opposed to those on the websites.

Love x

'Bring your swimming stuff...'

I have never felt so paniced before in my life. Im going to visit my sister in germany for 4 days on 23rd march. Im so fat from this damn recovery programme and she just text to tell me shes got the ballet tickets and that i need to bring some swimming stuff. OMG. LIKE HELP, all i can think to do is fast, and fast i shall.

I havent ran in about 4 months, and i bought some new trainers, a calorie counter attatchement and something for my ipod to slot into so i can listen to music, but im just so scared that im going to run like 500m and then not be able to do anything else. I will look a complete fool :( and thats stopping me from going, i dont want people to be like, 'HAHAHA WHAT AN AMATEUR, SHE CANT EVEN RUN FAR' Im so fat i'm planning on fasting friday-sunday evening. Hopefully i cant drop some weight and atleast look a little better, monday i have a driving lesson, so i may eat in the morning, omg eating doesnt even bare thinking about :( I just want to die, i am going to be so embarresed in a swimming costume.

Im going to tell my sister, i refuse to eat more than 1 meal a day, and that 1 meal has to be healthy. She cant complain, she always makes me feel fat anyway, so it will be easy, we will be busy, she is horrible and i hate swimming costumers/bikinis. OMG :( 
I took 10 laxatives due to the panic induced by the text from my sister. I am now lead on my bed with the best blanket in the world, and my hot water bottle, after writing this post i shall procced to watch breakfast at tiffinys.
Today i ate half a cheese sandwich (170), 200g mango (120), a slice of cake, FAT BITCH (300), and 1 grape (3)

Im back

Hello ladies.

Sorry i went away, i was so depressed i just needed to be on my own. The time away from all the blogging and ED community websites has kinda helped me i guess. Well its made me realise my disorderd thoughts can be hidden alot better but are alot stronger in my mind.

So i decided a new start, well not completely new, but i re-decorated (haha) my blog, so something brighter and more uplifting, i quite like it, dont know whether all you will though, will have to give me feed back! I got off my recovery programme on friday at a weight of 95lbs. Althought i fasted for 2 days afterwards, took laxatves on monday and fasted on tuesday and purged twice i think ive maintained the weight. Im not fasting today though, its kinda stupid i guess, but im not taking back all the hard work i put in becuase im probably still the same weight.

I always seem to fast when the sun is shining, it just makes me feel so happy, well happier than i usually do. Im clean and pure, the sun warms the hunger away and i seem to be filled up on the bright glow that it beams down on the earth. Im a real sun child, i cant wait to finish my year at college and then move away somewhere. Hopefully i can talk to my cousin and he can help me with moving to australia, if that fails, i always have my aunt who is moving there in the summer who will definatly help me with it. If both of these fail, il just do what i need to do in order to be eligible for a visa in america somewhere. I hate england so much, cant wait to escape!

My ex told me the other day that he had told my brother everything about me, about my eating disorder, sent him links to this blog and my PT account, and told him about my pervious bad experiences. Which made me so mad, not only because he is in no position to tell anyone. Its my disorder and my life, if i wanted to reveal all to my family i would. but i was also angry becaue is prompeted absolutley no response from my brother. He has done nothing. I say all the time that no-one cares, i think that just about proves when i say it im not bullshitting. Literally no-one gives a flying fuck about what i do and what has happened to me. Still, i have to look at it as something positive, becuase im in free rein of what i do to myself.

Love x