19th march

MORNING

Only 5days until i go visit my sister, i am sooo scared. So fat and horrible, the thought of  being in a bikini actually makes me want to puke, especially when i look in the mirror, the amount of fat sends shivers down my spine. There is no muscle, i am like only of those horrible blobs that have no tone at all and its so disgusting, i need to get some tone back into my life!

This morning i woke up early, the poor postman much of had a shock when i opened the door looking like a zombie, bad nights sleep i put that down to. I had a dream in which i was attacked by a really fat boy, i keep having dreams  about food and fat people, I'm so greedy to dream about food. I dreamed about eating sweets when i fasted on Tuesday, i woke up crying, i couldn't work out whether id eaten the sweets or whether it was actually just in the dream, i was convinced i had been sleep eating, i was anxious for the rest of the day, i felt like a failed because id even started.

So yeah, back to waking up early, my train tickets got delivered, then i tidied the kitchen, its a really lovely day! I then exercised:

80cal on exercise bike

100cal on cross trainer

150cal UW fat burn set

120 weight reps - how many cals does that burn roughly, i read weight training burns more calories that cardio. *EDIT* Apparently i burned 36cals?

I got really sweaty, which i actually hate, but i love exercising. I don't understand why i have such a problem with sweat but i really don't like it, i feel gross when I'm exercising and i sweat, i think i just get the connotations of fat people in the gym, because they always sweat loads, then it makes me feel even fatter than i already am, well i don't feel fat, i am fat.

Guna go for a walk i think today, its lovely weather and i need to get some shit from the shops for my mother. We went food shopping last night to TESCO and i found 'streamline' jam, they do a no added sugar, of a reduced sugar jam. I got the raspberry no added sugar jam, its just made with sweetener instead. Its 100cal per 100g, which is like way better than usual jams which ca range from anything in between 260-300. I still haven't tried it, but I'm sure it will quench my sweet tooth. I'l have to give you feedback, if your interested that is. Has anyone else heard of it?

*EDIT* Have any of you ever taken Ephedrine. I'm thinking of buying some and would much rather a more personal review as opposed to those on the websites.

Love x