20th march

I'm so all over the place :( I don't know how to put into words how I'm feeling and I'm getting so frustrated at myself for that. I just feel like I'm alone, i am alone, i cant share with people how I'm truly feeling and its such a lonely thing to not be able to tell people how you feel. I just   want everything to disappear, i just want to be left alone with a bucket of water and a treadmill, so i can run all day and stay away from food. Its the only time i feel free, i haven't ran in so long and today i ran 3miles, and i felt free, i felt free of my insanities, i felt free of my petulant nagging of my own brain over food and fat. I pushed myself to run more, run faster, run harder, burn more calories, and it felt so good, it felt so nice and i just want that feeling all the time. My weights up so much, and its all fat, i can see it, everythings grown so much. My arms, my legs, my waist and its not imaginary. 
There was a time when my waist was 20inches and my thighs were 16. Now my waist is 23inches and my thighs are 19, and its so disgusting, i look so swollen and bloated and horrible, and I'm crying writing this because there is so much in my head and i cant get it all out. This keyboard will burn out before i manage to put into words the sheer anger in my head that i hold towards myself. I just want to rip by heart from my chest and give it to anorexia on a plate, and say fuck you, because this is horrible, i need an escape but there isn't any. I cant escape from how fat I've become, only i can tackle it, and i alone, and its so lonely, i hate doing things on my own, i hate being on my own, but i love being on my own as well. I just want support and acceptance off someone, but i get it off no1, My family wont accept the fact I'm ill, and i can see why, I'm so swollen and distended who would think I'm ill. Only fragile pretty girls are ill, not horrible monsters like me. I only feel OK with myself when I'm exercising, but even then i have to look down at my thighs wobbling, then i feel myself sweating and i think you fat disgusting monster, how could you let yourself get like this, how could you let yourself get so fat you sweat. You have to burn all this fat off right now. 
But that's the thing, i cant burn it all off right now, that's what frustrates me so much, i have to sit here and cry over how fat i am for another 2 months before I'm less fat, but even then i know how fat I'm still going to be, how much fatter I'm going to be to myself, how disgusting i am going to be, how much more i need to lose to gather acceptance off people. 
I really wonder what it would be like to be free of these thoughts. I'm never going to be free of them, not even if i recover. That just makes me want to die right here right now, I'm never going to have the freedom to do as i please, there is always going to have to be some structure because I'm so stupid and fat and horrible and rotten. I HATE MYSELF, i don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to deal with myself, i feel helpless, i feel like a 8year old who's been given a baby to look after as she asks herself how to look after this things shes been given when she can barely look after herself. I just want help, i just want to love myself. I just want to be a little more perfect, a lot less fat and a lot more loved by everyone. 
I just want to turn the hands of time back and tell myself to step back from the disordered thoughts and get help while i still can. I feel like I'm so deep into this shit that there is never going to be an escape. I'm so angry at myself for letting it get this way, for letting my body get this way. Why did i do such a horrible thing and eat?

The only thing that makes it better is not eating and i don't want to eat anymore.