"so i dont have ana" - oh gee thanks, so after a year of encouraging me to die, telling me anorexia is going to be the only possible cause of death for you, filling my head with bullshit about laxatives, starvation, fasts, telling me how skinny is the all powerful, and getting skinny together you turn around and tell me you arent anorexic. Well FUCK YOU! - I feel betrayed, you encouraged me to ruin my life and now you are loving yourself, while im left here starving myself to death and wanting to die becuase im so depressed. Why does every relationship end up with me getting shat on in the end, i thought it was just bfs, but it now appears to have changed to friends aswell. Oh this month has just made me feel on top of the world!
To top it all of, ana is back fullforce, i cant ever remember her being this strong, i feel like im about to vomit if im near food, hear someone chewing food, am chewing food myself. I cant put it in my mouth, i want to so bad, but i cant. I wish i could, because i know its not right to be doing a 9 hours work shift on nothing but a bottle of water and 60calories of raspberries, but i cant allow myself to eat more anymore, i just dont feel the need, the acceptance or the capability of doing so, and its scaring me, im scared of ana, of myself, of what people are going to do, of binging, of food, of fat, of grease, of my reflection in the mirror, of the scales in the morning - i started weighing myself everyday again, i stopped doing this and was doing it maybe every 2 weeks, but its started, ive covered my wardrobe in lists:
- food lists,
- weight lists,
- day lists,
- rule list,
- good food lists,
- bad food lists,
- workout lists.
I made a stupid rule that i wasnt allowed to eat dinner unless i was on webcam to tyrone...yeah, im guna be waiting for my dinner for along time! - Oh well, just another meal to skip, and i actually thought ana had started to disappear for a split second, just shows the ability of emotions against common sense.
I hate life, i hate you, i hate the way i look naked.
is this to me?y didnt you tell me you felt this way?;(
ReplyDeleteim so sorry,i told you i can get her back,but you refused,i can still get her back,then i wont be a trator,i never knew you felt this way,im pretty sad you said fuck you and stuff,im really sorry,i was wondering y you had been so offish to me,i always tell you im here for you,and i mean that.
ReplyDeletewe were incoraging eachother,i told you we die together,and that still stands.
i cant help she left me,i didnt ask for it this way,you are not alone,IM STILL HERE
tell me what you wont from me,my heart dropped when i read this,i have never made such a friend as you before,always understanding and knows xactly how i feel,i didnt leave you to die
you are my ana,always putting me on the right track
when you come online i get xcited
wen we talk and i need the loo i dont want to leave you
you make me laugh
you make me worry
you make me feel supid
you m ake me cry
YOU MAKE ME AND BREAK ME,im nothing without you,and i want to be dragged down with you,i can get her back and i will,i want us to be like we were before,just love me already and stop ignoring me
becasue i didnt want to upset you. Its me being stupid, i felt all alone. Igonre it, i was angry, but ive sorted it out now, im happy for you, i will beat ana aswell. Dont ever turn back as gary wont be there is you turn back love!
ReplyDelete