Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.
The thought of death isnt what scares me though, what scares me if the thought of not being with you once im gone, what if we are seperated, never to be together again. You might call it destiny, but fuck destiny, im killing myself for you, so i can be with you at peace forever, so you can forgive me, what happenes if we arent together once it all happens?
I love you.
I hope when i die i can shed light and life on atleast one person. I hope prehaps i can touch someone to find recovery and happiness, not only trying to beat anorexia, but also beating depression, self-harm, drug-abuse and love. You have to fight everything in life, its kinda funny coming from me, as ive never fought everything, i thought i deserved everything that came to me, and becuase of that i have sunk so deep so fast, that just after a year from losing complete control over my life, which despite my past was acutaly quite happy, as i had fun friends, a family that seemed supportive and a life that seemed willing and succesful, im left, like a broken corpse, trying to fight my way though. I've given up on fighting now, im giving into death, yes its the weak desicion but im the weak person. But i realised i had none of that once this happened. My friends have left me, now i call my best friend a girl called carly from south africa, who i have never met, our only connection is this disorder that is destroying the both of us. I hope maybe she can now see that ana isnt on her side, and i wish she could see how lucky she was to actualy have a boyfriend and a family that worried about her enough to put her in recovery. My family left my side, they thought me for 2 months, merley becuase of a comment a woman made to my mum at work, but after those 2 months they have left me, left me to not eat, left me to kill myself, left me to stay in my room without coming down for days. And as for my sucessful and willing life, its my own life thats destroyed me, i was never destined to be succesful or happy becuase i was always different to everyone. I dont think im human, i dont look human, i dont act human, what is human about me?
The thought of death isnt what scares me though, what scares me if the thought of not being with you once im gone, what if we are seperated, never to be together again. You might call it destiny, but fuck destiny, im killing myself for you, so i can be with you at peace forever, so you can forgive me, what happenes if we arent together once it all happens?
I love you.
Hey girl, you don't really know me...I think we've talked maybe once or twice on PrettyThin or DollParts...but I read your blog sometimes (obviously) and I know that you don't know me and I don't know you very well, but please please please please please don't try to kill yourself. I know what it's like to lose yourself and get to what you think is a "place of no return", but honestly, you're never as lost as you think you are. I hate to be cliche, but there is always hope, even when you think you've lost yourself completely. So even as a complete stranger, I'm telling you to hold off, don't give up now, and ask for help. If you need someone to talk/rant/bitch whatever to, I'm here...online, MSN, AIM, whatever :).
ReplyDeleteSorry, don't mean to be creepy haha.
-Ashley