Time

 Over the last two days ive been asking myself; what has anorexia done for me?

• Its given me paranoia
• Its given me insomnia
• Its given me body dismorphia
• Its given me tears
• Its given me silence
• Its given me willpower
• Its destroyed my character
• Its destoryed my personality
• Its destroyed my smile and my happiness
• Its destroyed my confidence
• Its destoryed my trust in people
• Its destroyed my bubble-iness
• Its destroyed my laugh
• Its destroyed my relationships, with family, friends, and boyfriends
• Its destroyed my head
• Its destroyed my intestines (laxing)
• Its destoryed my bones
• Its destroyed my hair
• Its destroyed my skin (cutting)
• Its destroyed my metabolism
• Its destroyed my enjoyment in food
• Its destoryed my future
• Its destoryed my hope
• Its destortyed my dreams
• Its destroyed the past year of my life, and its going to keep on destorying my life year by year
• Its destroyed the person people once knew as me
• Its destroyed the person i once knew as me

Then i asked myself; what have i done for anorexia?

• Ive given my her life
• Ive given my her soul
• Ive given my her brain
• Ive given my her body
• Ive given my hope, my destiny, my pride, my humour, my confidence, my sanity, my happiness
• Ive given her my bones
• Ive given her my friends
• Ive given her my family
• Ive given her tyrone
• Ive given her my independence and my chance of a good life
• Ive given her my fertility
• Ive given her my healthy bones, skin and hair
• Ive given her my smile
• Ive given her my strenght
• Ive given her my future
• Ive given her this past year
• Ive given her my ability to find enjoyment in food
• Ive given her my ability to relax
• Ive given her my ability to have nice dreams
• Ive given her my ability to lie thoughtless
• Ive given her my ability to not cry
• Ive given her me

Ive sat here for a year losing myself to anorexia, loosing myself to a mirror, and losing myself to my bones. And why, why did it happen last june, why did it suddenly all become apprent that this is my destiny in life, and this is the way im supposed to be forever. My life is supposed to be cut short and im not supposed to find happiness, have a family and be with the guy i love forever. Im not supposed to have any of that, becase im not worth any of that. All im worth is anorexia, and im not even worth saying it out loud that im an anorexic, ive never been able to say it, i cant bring myself to say it, because what happenes when i say it, im terrifiled!

I dont know myself anymore. Im killing myself. I need your help.