‎"Everybody is afraid of something.That's how we know we care about things, when we're scared to lose them."

Crash Crash

100g raspberries, 500ml water, oh and a car crash. God really wants me to go, i know hes given up on me, he knows im trash so now hes trying to get me to disappear, today really was a sign.

I've never been in a car crash before, was quite odd, ambulance came, police came, we got driven home by police, now im sat on my bed trying to work out how the fuck that just happened, its a total blur, i just remember shouting 'what the fuck' and the next thing we know were being pushed along a 3 lane fucking road into other traffic. It really is my time to die, if my starvation isnt a sign than this definatly is. Im pretty excited to die, i mean ive hated myself my whole life, but only learnt to let it out last year and ive completly destroyed 'nicola' since then, and slowly another part of me has become ana each day. I love ana, thank you for always  being here for me when i need you. Thank you for helping me cope, and  giving me advice, and thank you for helping me become pure, so even if i do die soon, i die a better person than i was when i was fatter.

90.2

'Always drowning' in my sickness. Have fun watching me starve to death, last night you gave me the encouragment i had asked for.

Its either suicide or death by starvation, depends which one reaches me first.

.

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.

I hope when i die i can shed light and life on atleast one person. I hope prehaps i can touch someone to find recovery and happiness, not only trying to beat anorexia, but also beating depression, self-harm, drug-abuse and love. You have to fight everything in life, its kinda funny coming from me, as ive never fought everything, i thought i deserved everything that came to me, and becuase of that i have sunk so deep so fast, that just after a year from losing complete control over my life, which despite my past was acutaly quite happy, as i had fun friends, a family that seemed supportive and a life that seemed willing and succesful, im left, like a broken corpse, trying to fight my way though. I've given up on fighting now, im giving into death, yes its the weak desicion but im the weak person. But i realised i had none of that once this happened. My friends have left me, now i call my best friend a girl called carly from south africa, who i have never met, our only connection is this disorder that is destroying the both of us. I hope maybe she can now see that ana isnt on her side, and i wish she could see how lucky she was to actualy have a boyfriend and a family that worried about her enough to put her in recovery. My family left my side, they thought me for 2 months, merley becuase of a comment a woman made to my mum at work, but after those 2 months they have left me, left me to not eat, left me to kill myself, left me to stay in my room without coming down for days. And as for my sucessful and willing life, its my own life thats destroyed me, i was never destined to be succesful or happy becuase i was always different to everyone. I dont think im human, i dont look human, i dont act human, what is human about me?

The thought of death isnt what scares me though, what scares me if the thought of not being with you once im gone, what if we are seperated, never to be together again. You might call it destiny, but fuck destiny, im killing myself for you, so i can be with you at peace forever, so you can forgive me, what happenes if we arent together once it all happens?

 

I love you.

Ad

Pretty body.

Being thin and not eating are signs of true willpower and success.

You can never be to thin.

notes

Let the vanishing act begin. Whats the point in fighting it anymore, i have nothing to fight for. I cant control her so i may aswell let her control me. My strength and been ripped from me. So i can just fuck off and vanish now.

Choice.

 

Its not a choice, i hate this.

Its destroyed me, and its made me want to die.

Time

 Over the last two days ive been asking myself; what has anorexia done for me?

• Its given me paranoia
• Its given me insomnia
• Its given me body dismorphia
• Its given me tears
• Its given me silence
• Its given me willpower
• Its destroyed my character
• Its destoryed my personality
• Its destroyed my smile and my happiness
• Its destroyed my confidence
• Its destoryed my trust in people
• Its destroyed my bubble-iness
• Its destroyed my laugh
• Its destroyed my relationships, with family, friends, and boyfriends
• Its destroyed my head
• Its destroyed my intestines (laxing)
• Its destoryed my bones
• Its destroyed my hair
• Its destroyed my skin (cutting)
• Its destroyed my metabolism
• Its destroyed my enjoyment in food
• Its destoryed my future
• Its destoryed my hope
• Its destortyed my dreams
• Its destroyed the past year of my life, and its going to keep on destorying my life year by year
• Its destroyed the person people once knew as me
• Its destroyed the person i once knew as me

Then i asked myself; what have i done for anorexia?

• Ive given my her life
• Ive given my her soul
• Ive given my her brain
• Ive given my her body
• Ive given my hope, my destiny, my pride, my humour, my confidence, my sanity, my happiness
• Ive given her my bones
• Ive given her my friends
• Ive given her my family
• Ive given her tyrone
• Ive given her my independence and my chance of a good life
• Ive given her my fertility
• Ive given her my healthy bones, skin and hair
• Ive given her my smile
• Ive given her my strenght
• Ive given her my future
• Ive given her this past year
• Ive given her my ability to find enjoyment in food
• Ive given her my ability to relax
• Ive given her my ability to have nice dreams
• Ive given her my ability to lie thoughtless
• Ive given her my ability to not cry
• Ive given her me

Ive sat here for a year losing myself to anorexia, loosing myself to a mirror, and losing myself to my bones. And why, why did it happen last june, why did it suddenly all become apprent that this is my destiny in life, and this is the way im supposed to be forever. My life is supposed to be cut short and im not supposed to find happiness, have a family and be with the guy i love forever. Im not supposed to have any of that, becase im not worth any of that. All im worth is anorexia, and im not even worth saying it out loud that im an anorexic, ive never been able to say it, i cant bring myself to say it, because what happenes when i say it, im terrifiled!

I dont know myself anymore. Im killing myself. I need your help.

its all over and...

I

WANT

TO

DIE

gross

3lbs gain, oh fuck my life, (92) ive decided to take the 'recovery' root i.e an getting fat, getting cellulitey, getting disgusting and ruining my body even more but the complete fucking opposite way, i feel so cold towards it, i see it as pointless, it will end up in me become seriously depressed, cutting all the time, not talking to anyone, but hey, thats better than being skinny and happy with myself right? :/ We'll see what happens, still gota get down to 80lbs for my holiday though, then i will either work to maintain it, or try to gain a little, probably just maintain, focus on being healtihier, i mean i was quite happy with myself at 83lbs last summer/autumn, so prehaps i will be extra happy with 80lbs.

I mean, im guna be gross all my fucking life anyway, may aswell just kill mysef now instead of inflicting the pain of myself upon people.

The fact my legs are wider that my torso makes me want to be sick so fat, watch out, miss thunder-thighs is coming through!