:(

My brain is constantly fighting with itself something a little like this:

'Recover'

'No dont recover you need to be thin'

'You need to focus of your school life, you need to eat in moderation'

'You either dont eat or binge'

'Stop being a fat greedy cow and thiking you may be better of normal again'

'I would be able to live a happy care free life'

'I crave them days back where i didnt care about food and stayed at a steady weight'

I WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF SO HARD MY ORGANS EXPLODE! 

Binge ofcourse in my world is when everything flashes red, today ive had the exact same argument in my head all day as ive posted above, i didnt eat in moderation, i didnt try to recover, i just binged. A whole fat 2350 calories full of binge, thats what a grown man eats in a day, prodiving he exercises alot, its more than my fat mum and inhumane brother it, its more than i used to eat in a whole week, whats happening to me. I need to get rid of this constant battle in my head, how the hell am i ever going to feel semi-decent with myself when all i do is binge. Im currently still on 88lbs, well when i last weight myself i was verging towards the blessed 87lbs, i fasted for a weekend, yet all the weight x 3 has probably just been added back to my legs, i feel like i could vomit with the amount of food ive stuffed in myself today!

I also wish my ribcage would shrink, its making me look even fatter (If thats even possible!) , even fatter than i do covered in fat. Its big, its full of stupid organs and air, and its just wide. Then there is the legs, the discusting fat calfs and thighs, i dont know what bug me more, the thighs have a good two inch gap between then, yet they still have a good 3 inches of fat wrapped around the bone, and then there is my calfs, these frikin lumps of lard and muscle that just wont disappear. Why wont the disappear? - Because i keep eating like a frikin grown man who works out all day!

<\3 Mee