Today, as i lie in bed, i can help but ponder upon the thoughts of being dead. Ofcourse in my true self i dont want to be dead, i want to live my life as a succesful, respectable woman, who is healthy, with children, a husband, yes most importantly skelatol thin. Can i have all these things, i seriously doubt that i can. However i am more than prepared to give up these things inorder to reach my idea of perfection that is within my head.
STATS
HW: 100
CW: 88
GW:70
My name is Nicola, im from your average family, kinda, in modern times i guess. One brother, one sister, a mother, and i father who i last saw when i was about knee height to a donkey. I guess i have a pretty traumatized childhood, but my early teens were much worse. I guess i lost all 'control' i was sleeping around, had lost my virginity by the age of 13. I was drinking, i was fighting with my mother, and quite clearly i thought i was grown up, therefore showed no respect to anybody, not even myself! I matured pretty quickly, at the age of 16, a pretty high achieveing student, capable of looking after myself in all fronts, in a stable relationship with a life that looks stable from the outside. Inside i guess ive lost control, i eat, breath, sleep being thin.
I created this blog i guess to tell a story, to keep myself on track, and to help others along journey to complete, un-editied perfection. I hope you find this site a place of tranquility, even if i am posting hectic blogs about my daily routines!
Me <3
Nikki I think it's great that you're trying to "keep track" of yourself, but I guess my biggest fear is the log will only trigger you to become MUCH worse spiraling down ward faster than you can think. I tell you this, because I know hun! How I first realized I was "Ana" was on an MSN discussion board, that was hosted by my NOW best friend!
ReplyDeleteI'm ALLLLLL about thin, beauty & perfection, but I also understand the emotional shit that comes along for the ride.
Thank you princess for your response. Means alot to me that my blog is getting out to the public. I cannot see myself getting worse, lighter maybe, but not worse, not head wise, prehaps health wise. I am embrasing this, i want to be thin, i do not mind if it triggers me to prehaps become worse. I hope i do not offend you!
ReplyDeleteAt first I just wanted to lose 5 pounds & i'd be "happy". Those 5 pounds fell off because I was exercising & eating diet pills like they were vitamins bound to save my life. I used to take up to TEN diet pills a day! That's way more than is advised & I wasn't eating much. I lost my initial 24 pounds in just 3 months.
ReplyDeleteBut listen to my Nikki, you're like my cool little sister & I would never lie to you my love. When I lost those 24 pounds I lost my life. Honestly I don't remember who or what I was or what I am now after 2 years of struggling in & out of rehab.
5 pounds turned to 26 pounds, cutting, biting myself, traumatic nightmares of things that had happened to me that my mind had erased for MY OWN safety...but our "dear" friend Ana brought the worst horror into my life.
I lost my house, wrecked my car, & got forced into treatment so fast I didn't know what hit me. When in treatment the staff treat you like your the worlds biggest head case. You have to expose your "negative behaviors" such as purging, cutting, etc. The most embarrassing things you could think of.
I went from living & hiding my eating on my own to having to eat 6 times a day with a bunch of skeleton strangers. Every one was so much bigger than I was, I felt like I wasn't good enough to be there....
Nikki you remind me of myself in SOOOO many ways sweetie! So many! My biggest fear is that you'll end up miserable every day you wake up for years to come, that you'll lose everything you once knew...even your boyfriend & people you love the most.
Please my love be careful! <3 I need you now & forever!
Adena...you don't offend me, but as a nurse with Ana...I fear the worst always. We all think the same. Save another & in replace of that person we hurt ourselves. I am by no means "healthy" myself, fat yes, but not healthy. My life style is dangerous. Any stress immediately turns itself into self injury/harm.
ReplyDeleteI havent experienced any overwhelming stress lately. Prehaps when my A-levels arrive i will start feeling stress. I used to cut, but only when in pits of depression, when i was low after have a fight with my boyfriend, or angry at myself for just being 'fat'. You do not need to worry my pretty! <3
ReplyDeleteNikki, you have to stop and think...how could you be a functional part of a marriage or as a mother when you yourself aren't properly functioning. Could you imagine if you got prego & started gaining baby weight?????? It'd be catastrophic!! Or how bout if you had a child and he/she ended up with an ED? They claim & research supports that ED are partially hereditary! Amazing, I know, but true! My grandma was Mia that over exercised, crash dieted, laxed & binge ate at times....unfortunately this is what I believe lead to her death. Her systems just failed little by little at 74 yrs old.
ReplyDeletePlease be careful little angel <3
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ReplyDeleteI am completely disappointed in myself. I've read your blogs and as far as I can tell pretty thin was the "start" of your ED...I encouraged it & I feel like shit for doing so. Please forgive me, I didn't realize what kind of trouble was yet to come of this. :(
ReplyDeleteMy mother was anorexic and my grandmother was alcholic, they have proven hereditary links for both, either way i am fucked. You did not encourage it, i embraced everything stupidly, and now i am in a rutt that i cannot get out of!
ReplyDelete