It started off as wanting to loose 2lbs, just 2lbs so i could get to 6st8 or 92lbs. My Natural bodily weight was 6st10 or 94lbs, i had been this weight for a year, no matter how much i ate, i could eat whatever i want, i did eat whatever i want. Everyone was jealous of me, said i had an amazing figure, and didnt understand how i ate so much yet stayed so thin. I never saw myself as thin, i guess at a size 0 i was thin, but never saw it, not once. So yes back to this 2lbs, i wanted to be the weight i was when i was 12, it had gone up by just 1lb a year, i put it down to growing up, getting taller, forming boobs. It didnt bother me greatly, but i could never get rid of these 2lbs. I was ALWAYS stuck at 6st10, when i ate it went up to 7st, sometimes 7st2, this scared me. I wasent allowed to go near the scales if i had eaten, i was terrified of going past 7st, i never wanted to go past 7st, i would never allow it. I consider my highest weight to be 100lbs as this was my highest ever weight, not natural, full of food, body bloating, stomach extending food.
I was always teased for my weight, or for how i looked, when i started secondary school i was teased about being anorexic (which i wasent) and i went home crying to my mum, i never wanted to be labeled this, and i was fed up of people calling me names, teasing me for my skinny weight, now thats all i crave, i want to be labeled anorexic, i want to be skinny enough to be considered anorexic again. Im too fat to be classed as an anoretic, this hurts me inside, i wish i was! I was never the popular child in school, i remember once when one of the popular boys asked me out for a dare and i said yes, thinking he actually fancied me, that lunchtime he dumped me, and all the other popular kids told me it was a dare. It hurt alot i was only 10, but that haunting will always stay with me. I also remember when one of the popular boys told me i had the smallest nose is the class, he was lieing of course, i didnt find this out until i looked in the mirror sideways, ive hated my nose every since, he was making a mockery out of me and i never even realised that he was. I was nieve.
I was finding it hard coping with my GCSE examination stress, ive never really coped well under stress, i felt pressure as my sister has achieved the top grade in all her exams, i was worried i was going to 'let down' my family and fail all my exams, i had convinced myself i was going to fail them all. I revised like crazy, i worried like crazy. I acutally did well in my exams, i didnt get a top grade, but i got 5 A's and 7 B's. I earned enough points to get into the grammer school sixth form my sister went to, but i decided to go to a college instead. After my exams i started running with my friend, i guess this was when it all started. I wanted a nice body for when i started college, i wanted a six pack and no wobbly bits. I used to binge (well what i would consider a binge now) after i came back from my run, i still wasnt obsessed by what i ate. Then one day i was sat on my own, i had been for a long time, my sister was away from home, my mum at work, my brother at school, i had been on my own for about a month as i had finished school, i was bored, longed for something to occupy my time.
This was when the sudden earge to type in 'anorexia site' into google came over me, i dont understand why it did, and i still dont understand why. The skinny girls of the 'pro-ana' site shocked me, i realised i couldnt join this site, but i spent about 2 hours on it, reading every word, examining every picture, i then found a site called 'Pretty-thin' It was a quite site when i first joined, i liked the site, i made some friends, and this is when i started loosing weight. I was eating about 500 calories a day, i was taking pictures of my progress and i was living, breathing, eating, exercising thin, i would push myself until i almost fainted when i went running with my friend, i would only eat what was on a diet plan i had created myself, i completely sectioned myself off from everyone else. I didnt go out during the summer holidays, i stayed in my room all day, everyday lead in my bed, under my duvet, i was getting thin! I would spend my days taking pictures of my self, weighing myself, i would occasionaly venture out into the kitchen to get myself what was on my diet plan. I never broke it during july or august. I dropped down to about 6st4
I had lost 12lbs in two months, i was so happy with myself, i loved my bones, i had become obsessed with bones. Bones, bones, bones. The only time i went out during those holidays was to my best friends birthday party, everyone told me how skinny i was looking, i just shook it of and said i hadnt lost any weight, it was just because of what i was wearing, i think they fell for it. I havent seen most of those people since. Infact i havent seen anyone since that day, just my friends from college who i see everyday. The ones i am slowly distancing myself from, the ones i get angry with when they say something i dont agree with, the ones who i openly talk to about celebrities being fat, just for them to disagree and them for me to get into a huff.
September and October rushed by, it was a blur, college was fun, yet i had discovered binging. I had never been drawn to large amounts of food, but i guess this is the student life, lots of junk food. I would vandalist 10 doughnuts at a time, i would scoff copious amounts of bakewell tarts, hundreds of calories worth of frapicinos at starbucks, yet i dropped to 5st13.
83 beautiful pounds, due to the binging, the 4 long months of it i put back on 10lbs. I am still trying to loose all of those lbs. Currently at 88lbs, was at 87 on christmas day. I still binge, i cant help it, yet i cannot purge through vomiting. I have become addicted to laxatives and there effects. I discovered laxatives after some people were talking about them on 'Pretty-thin', i was tempted becuase i thought they made you loose fat, they made you loose weight for sure, but not fat, just articifical churrned up, rotting food. I LOVE the rush of using laxatives, its like my drug, it is my drug, having a flat stomach used to be my obsession. Now my obsession is a concave stomach, something i only drastically have when i lay down.
I was finding it hard coping with my GCSE examination stress, ive never really coped well under stress, i felt pressure as my sister has achieved the top grade in all her exams, i was worried i was going to 'let down' my family and fail all my exams, i had convinced myself i was going to fail them all. I revised like crazy, i worried like crazy. I acutally did well in my exams, i didnt get a top grade, but i got 5 A's and 7 B's. I earned enough points to get into the grammer school sixth form my sister went to, but i decided to go to a college instead. After my exams i started running with my friend, i guess this was when it all started. I wanted a nice body for when i started college, i wanted a six pack and no wobbly bits. I used to binge (well what i would consider a binge now) after i came back from my run, i still wasnt obsessed by what i ate. Then one day i was sat on my own, i had been for a long time, my sister was away from home, my mum at work, my brother at school, i had been on my own for about a month as i had finished school, i was bored, longed for something to occupy my time.
This was when the sudden earge to type in 'anorexia site' into google came over me, i dont understand why it did, and i still dont understand why. The skinny girls of the 'pro-ana' site shocked me, i realised i couldnt join this site, but i spent about 2 hours on it, reading every word, examining every picture, i then found a site called 'Pretty-thin' It was a quite site when i first joined, i liked the site, i made some friends, and this is when i started loosing weight. I was eating about 500 calories a day, i was taking pictures of my progress and i was living, breathing, eating, exercising thin, i would push myself until i almost fainted when i went running with my friend, i would only eat what was on a diet plan i had created myself, i completely sectioned myself off from everyone else. I didnt go out during the summer holidays, i stayed in my room all day, everyday lead in my bed, under my duvet, i was getting thin! I would spend my days taking pictures of my self, weighing myself, i would occasionaly venture out into the kitchen to get myself what was on my diet plan. I never broke it during july or august. I dropped down to about 6st4
I had lost 12lbs in two months, i was so happy with myself, i loved my bones, i had become obsessed with bones. Bones, bones, bones. The only time i went out during those holidays was to my best friends birthday party, everyone told me how skinny i was looking, i just shook it of and said i hadnt lost any weight, it was just because of what i was wearing, i think they fell for it. I havent seen most of those people since. Infact i havent seen anyone since that day, just my friends from college who i see everyday. The ones i am slowly distancing myself from, the ones i get angry with when they say something i dont agree with, the ones who i openly talk to about celebrities being fat, just for them to disagree and them for me to get into a huff.
September and October rushed by, it was a blur, college was fun, yet i had discovered binging. I had never been drawn to large amounts of food, but i guess this is the student life, lots of junk food. I would vandalist 10 doughnuts at a time, i would scoff copious amounts of bakewell tarts, hundreds of calories worth of frapicinos at starbucks, yet i dropped to 5st13.
83 beautiful pounds, due to the binging, the 4 long months of it i put back on 10lbs. I am still trying to loose all of those lbs. Currently at 88lbs, was at 87 on christmas day. I still binge, i cant help it, yet i cannot purge through vomiting. I have become addicted to laxatives and there effects. I discovered laxatives after some people were talking about them on 'Pretty-thin', i was tempted becuase i thought they made you loose fat, they made you loose weight for sure, but not fat, just articifical churrned up, rotting food. I LOVE the rush of using laxatives, its like my drug, it is my drug, having a flat stomach used to be my obsession. Now my obsession is a concave stomach, something i only drastically have when i lay down.
Highest weight: 100lbs
3lbs from lowest weight: 86lbs
Sorry love...switched it to my twitter account. It's just easier to check. <3
ReplyDeleteI thought it was you susie, i wasent to sure though ;) <3
ReplyDelete