UGH

I havent felt this fat in a long time. I walked past the mirror about 30 minuted ago, and i've never seen myself so large, i could of been mistaken for someone suffering from giagantism, i hate my body and myself so much, i know its my body dismorphia that makes me feel so fat, but sometimes its so hard to distinguish he different between reality and my mental brain. I just want to be skinny, that or better, skinnier is easier than that, i dont think i can battle on my own anymore, im finding it so hard, and things are so much more difficult when i cant be with the one person i want to be with. My life feels so shitty at the moment, i know its not, compared to alot im sooo lucky, and i appreciate the things i have, but my depression is making me feel so many negative things, i just need to start again, start my battle to perfection again, start my life again, in a new and better place.

I may only be 89lbs right now, but FML, i feel so huge, my stomach is so bloated all the time, even when i dont eat for a day or two, it just stays there, there is so much fat on it, its not bloat anymore, ive just put so much fat on my stomach and i hate it so much :( Im so tired of pretending im happy all the time, my constant faking of smiling and being high on life has become a fucking routine, i cant show anyone how i really feel, becuase i either know they wont understand or feel like im boring them, being a burden on their life, my problems are just someones else burden, they dont care about how i feel, they are happy aslong as everything is ok with them. My friends havent spoken to me proplery in about a month, my best friend for about 7 years has gone off with someone else and they are high as a kite on fucking curry and chocolate, and im just left here picking at my peas wondering why the fuck i have to be so fat! 

And to top it off my need to cut is getting worse and worse every day, ive hidden a knife out of the kitchen under my pillow, but im trying to resist using it, i dont want anyone to see a cut and worry, i have to be strong for my own sake, otherwise im going to fail at everything, if i cut with that knife then my life is going to spin out of control and i am going to lose everything i have thats actualy worth staying alive for, and im terrified of losing all of that.

x