Why am i doing this?

I mean, my life was just starting to piece itself together when i decided to stop eating, why did i decide to stop eating. What the hell made me stop eating. Sometimes i think ive blocked off bad memories, because sometimes i think things, horrible awful things. I used to think about these things alot, im to embarrassed to admit what i think. But i feel disgraced and repulsed by myself for thinking it. Some part of me thinks something must of happened for me to think this way, for me to play these scenes out in my head, because its not right for someone to think such horrible things.

Ive eaten a can of tuna with 23g capers and 50g carrots for the last two days running, and im planing on carrying that on, until i run out of tuna and capers and carrot, then im going to find something else to live off. A very large part of me actually gets a kick out of starving myself. I find it funny, i dont know why, i feel like laughing hysterically at myself telling myself i deserved it and that its funny to watch me do it to myself. My sister seems to laugh enough at my eating habits, along with my mother, so maybe it is funny. Maybe it is funny to watch a blood relative obsess over the bowl of tuna she eats a day. I dont know, all i know is i feel exactly the same right now as i did the Summer i got very ill with anorexia. I dont ever recognise myself in the mirror anymore. I looked deep into my eyes tonight while sitting in front of the mirror, and i was filled with terror. Theres something not right with me, something bad. Theres something bad inside of me and i need to be taken away from everyone.