6st8 after 3 days of fasting, SO FAT, I WAS 89 2 WEEKS AGO, FUCK MY HORRIBLE FAT DISGUSTING APPETITE, IM A POOR EXCUSE FOR AN ANOREXIC, I DONT DESERVE THE FUCKING LABLE, I WILL MAKE MYSELF DESERVE THE LABLE AGAIN, I WILL GET INTO THE MID80S AND GO LOWER AGAIN, I WILL BE SKINNY AGAIN. Im on my period, that normally adds about 2 or 3 lbs to me. So fingers crossed i will be atleast 87 by christmas. Im fasting tomorrow, wednesday i have bloody meal, ugh!,Thursday and friday will be spend fasting.I'm feeling terribly lonely at the moment, so it should be nice to spend some time with my friends but minus the food would be alot better. Gotta get my fasting head on again, which should be easy enough. I've pledged to myself to never binge again, a binge to me is anything over 800calories, i have decided this about 20 minutes ago. I feel so fat and lazy at the moment, like im doing nothing with my life. Which is true, i only work 17 hours a week. I need to take up a fitness regime in the new year. Im so worried and paranoid that everyone thinks im fat and lazy, its really gettting my down. Im a shadow of my former self as far as confidence goes, and ive never had much. Ive just been wittled down to nothing due to paranoa, and the sense of disworth for just about everything in this world. Being dead would be so much easier!
Binge free days = 4
"I feel so fat and lazy at the moment, like im doing nothing with my life. Which is true, i only work 17 hours a week. I need to take up a fitness regime in the new year. Im so worried and paranoid that everyone thinks im fat and lazy, its really gettting my down. Im a shadow of my former self as far as confidence goes, and ive never had much. Ive just been wittled down to nothing due to paranoa, and the sense of disworth for just about everything in this world. Being dead would be so much easier!"
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same way, word-to-word. :( you're not alone... do you think an eating disorder does this to us, ruins our self-esteem? x
Yeah. I think an ED plays a big part in ruining self-esteem. But i think you have to have an already crumbling self-esteem to be short in the head with an eating disorder. If that makes sense?! Ive always have a crappy self-esteem and i think thats why i became such an ideal candidate for an eating disorder. But i dont understand why i binge, when my food intake is the real problem for me. I guess i just need to control it to help my self esteem.
ReplyDeleteWhen im fasting i feel sexy and more confident. But if i even put like 1 bite over the allowed mental limit of food i feel disgusting and become so foul tempered its awful, i just end up wanting to kill myself x
This is me. Completely. The goal weights, the feelings, everything.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what to think or how to feel anymore. I just know that I'm a disappointment to myself.