ANOTHER PLAN

Im starting to get really angry with myself for always making so many different fucking plans for different fucking weeks then finding a better plan a couple of hours later. Sorry for bad language. Here is my official plan for this week and next week:

Tuesday - Fast

Wednesday - Meal with friends, but stick to veggies and no sweet snacking afterwards

Thursday - FAST

Friday - FAST

Saturday - Christmas day (more details listed below)

Sunday - FAST INVF

Monday - FAST INVF

Tuesday - FAST INVF

Wednesday - FAST INVF

Thursday -1 bowl of veggies, 2 slices of toast

Friday - 1 bowl of rice, 1 bowl of veggies

Saturday - FAST

Sunday - FAST

Monday - FAST

Tuesday - 1 bowl rice, 1 bowl of veggies

Christmas day = hugely unpopular day for me, i want to kill myself, i want to hang myself with the beads from my christmas tree. God give me strenght i wish i could avoid food, i really wish. But i cant hurt my family. Thinking of my grandad worrying about me on christmas day as i dont eat the dinner makes me cry, i cant do that to him. Ive only ever wanted him to be proud of his grandaughter. This is all terribly secret for me in terms of family and friends, so i have to act normal. So anyway,  the plan for christmas day:

Dont eat until the christmas dinner is served, ARGHHHH! FUKING FOOD!

Allowed: 5 sprouts, 5 pieces of carrot, 2 stems brocoli, 1 potato half, 1 yorkshire pudding, 2 table spoons stuffing,  gravy baby, 2 mouthfuls of dessert.

After the christmas meal im not allowed to snack. Im allowed one candy cane in the evening, and will have to stick to vodka and pepsi max for the rest of the day. FOOD = FAT, FAT = UGLY, UGLY = NO TYRONE. NO TYRONE = ME AT THE MOMENT, ME AT THE MOMENT = FAT UGLY FOODOHOLIC who lost her boyfriend due to her disgusting binging habits that he could no longer stomach.

INVF = If not visiting family. Christmas time brings lots of 'family' FUCKING meals. If i visit family i will eat a small portion of what ever is being served. Hopefully i will have notice, as no notice = complete and utter panic follwed by tears and tantrums by yours truely.

I used to eat alot of rice when i was skinny last year. I think i had about 80g dried weight, which made alot of rice, i used to have it with peas, or sometimes id make it all exciting and id have a red onion with it and toss abit of pilau rice seasoning in it to make it a pretty orange colour. I also used to eat alot of porridge. But i dont like eating breakfast. Breakfast isnt good for nicola, as then nicola wants to eat for the rest of the day! 

I also decided that im not an anorexic anymore. Im bulimia type 2 - as i binge and purge with laxatives and i have restircting habits. Im all over the place. I dont think ive ever been anorexic, i think im just floating, sometimes i think im one of those really annoying wannarexics, that worries me a little. I hope i dont come across as one. Im just calling myself a nice fat ednos at the moment. EDNOS EDNOS EDNOS :(

Sorry for my absolutley disgusting language in this blog post. I seem to like swearing alot at the moment.

I painted my bedroom, it looks lovely! Cant really see it here but its a very very very light grey and i have a double bed, mmm spacious, only me in it though, and basil at times. Its ivory frame and i have lovely white sheets on it. And my room is lovely and simple and best of all bright. I hate dark rooms, when i was in the sisters room (who has dark purple curtains and a big blind that she keeps down) my depression was at its worst. I coudnt get out of bed i was so drained, i think thats what pushed me over the edge. I admitted i was depressed to my mum after like 3 days of being in that bedroom, and ive kept it to myself for over a year. I also ended up dropping out of college and losing all faith in ever getting better again. Now im stuck in fasting mode. I love fasting!

Also another rule for myself. Make myself look nice each day. Like in the picture above. I will make myself have nice hair and do my makeup nicely each day. And i will make sure i wear clothes that are dark, as thats what i feel most confident in. I want to look nice as then i feel more confident about myself. I went through a phase of perfecting my self every single day in 2009 during the summer, even though i never went out. I just had to look nice incase something happened. I styled my hair every day and did my makeup nicely. And then i stopped this after my depression kicked in big time. But i want to start again as i think it might ease up my depression abit. 

Sorry for the long post.