Ugh

Dont you just hate victoria secret models, they are so beautiful - facially - and so tall, so sexy. I really envy them!

Currently attempted a 6 day fast, i did forecast a 7 day fast, yet my brothers birthday is next tuesday and with it currently being wednesday and having only just started my fasting today my plans are set to be ruined already. But im determined to carry out these 6 days, ive never fasted for so long before. 3 days is my longest and i was to beat that, i need to loose so much weight and i see fasting as the only option. Its either fast or binge, i need to right myself meal plans and times for meals. I like structure, right now i have no structure which is why i think im binging when im not fasting.

x

Started cutting again...

Can't cope...

Needs new razor blades...

Skimmed please.

UGH -  i ate today, im so fucked off i wanted to fast, but i worked it out that i can still fast another 2 days aslong as i start right here right now! Gota get to 75lbs man before August, i will do it, anything is possible, especialy when the adrenalin of fasting kicks in, i was sooooo upset that i had to eat wednesday, ugh, i felt the hunger air go away and i felt so lonely all of a sudden :(. I had the worst leg cramps ever once i ate, and i just pooped out everything i ate with in 2 hours of eating it, no laxatives, just dont think my stomach agreed with the food. GOOD!

So for the next 2 days (well not really two, argh why did i eat! But yeah tomorrow (friday) and up until about 5pm saturday i shall be living of coffee, mmmm coffee my new life love, nothing better than blogging my life away, or reading other peoples blogs, having a fashion magazine in front of you and having a nice big cuppa coffee in front of you, ok so i dont drink 'skinny girl coffee' i have mine with 1 sugar and skimmed milk, but WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER, im not trying to be like so bloody, i dont know what im trying to say, but basically im totally not a sterio type 'skinnygirl' with a black coffee, i like fat womans coffe, just with a little less fat! Oh my 0.1% fat milk, how i do love you, thinking about it i hate milk yucky taste, just good in coffee.

CRAZY.

Ok, so i just finished fasting today, and i made a pact to myself to not weight myself until friday, yes i let myself down on that one. But the main reason i made the pact was because i didnt want to be upset all week when i didnt loose any weight. So two nights of insomnia after sunday i couldnt resist the temptation, so at 1am on tuesday morning, after trying to get to sleep for 3 hours i weighed myself, i was 92lbs. THIS IS CRAZY, considering that i was 98lbs last monday, so i went back to bed all excited like 'omg i dont need to loose anymore weight for the date im going on, but im going to anyway, i will just look even better then', then i finally got some good sleep, i think it was a good 4 hour chunk un-interupted, crazy times (im saying crazy alot in this blog post).So, yeah i woke up this morning, with alot of cramp, and heart pain, so decided it would be a good time to go wee then weight myself again before i have an apple to break my fast (are apples good for breaking fasts with, i dont wanna end up hella fat AGAIN!), well i got on these scales and it was swaying between 90lbs and 91lbs, so lets count that as 91lbs, this is crazy, i have LOST 7 whole frikin lbs in just over a week. Works cannot describe what a relief this is for me, ive been restricting so long and hard and ive just been gaining, and now finally its starting to shed off again.



I've also realised my new found love once again for fasting. Can someone please tell me (if they know) the aches im getting in my heart, its kinda like a shooting cramp and i find it hard to take deep breaths in, is this kinda umm, dangerous to say?

xxx

Pretty.

Videos like this keep my happy, my love for fashion grows a little more each day <3

Got lots of lovely new clothes today in the post, so excited as i was terrified the size 0 jeans wouldnt bit, but they did which made me terribly excited <3.

Its my second day of fasting, i feel so much better about my self, and it gets me excited as i know i must of lost some weight atleast as my stomach burns which means its using fat for energy. My love for coffee has grown more significant, every sip sending me into heaven, hahaha. Gota love it guys! Today ive had 2 big mugs of coffee, i might go for some more later to ward myself away from food, but i just cant sleep when i drink it late. Last night i had no sleep, and i got 1 hour this morning, which kinda sucks but for some reason i dont feel tired, guess im going to feel it tomorrow with my 9 hour waitressing shit. Silver service results in a broken fast as i dont want to get sacked for spilling something down a very rich person! I plan to have an apple in the morning, and an apple during my break, then i shall resume with my fast until friday evening/saturday afternoon. Going to meet a man, gota admit, im pretty excited about this guys haha!

x

beep

Why do i have the stupid ability to make every quote somehow link to my eating disorder and me starving myself? Not sure what the hell to type, so i thought a pretty little collection of images would be cute haha.

I left the pro-ana site id joined, sorry but i do not see how 'beauty in our eyes' gives the excuse for a load of fat wannarexics joining a once quite community, that site sucks now man :( My day went well today, i ate nothing, i had a glas skimmed milk - 30cal, a cupa fruit tea - 1cal, 2 cups coffee - 40cal. Hopefully il loose is i carry this on, i feel like im getting back on track latley, writing this i feel my addiction to being empty already coming back, i can feel the air from my stomach escaping through my throat, AMAZE-ING :)

Hi abbie :P 

x

I like this picture of myself, does that make me vain, i dont mean by body, hell my arms and legs look huge. But my face, im liking the face for the first time in a long time. I got about 4 inches chopped of my hair, im thiking about getting some more, views, yes, no? Cummon guys comment, your making me feel like a larry lowner :(

Lovee

Pancakes, Restriction, Laxatives

I think a update is long overdue, sorry guys, ive been pre-occupied with food. I hate myself, my big butt and my tree trunk thighs. But i tell you what i do love, the sun. It may be gold, but damn that sun is shining this makes me happy, my SAD may finally fuck off for abit and let me take control once again of what i eat!

Im prepared for the future. Got my little big pancake recipe, which i will NOT be making again as far to many calories for my shrinking waistline.

 

350g self raising flour

1 tbsp white sugar

1pinch salt

3tsp baking powder

1 egg

300ml milk

Makes the thickest lushest batter ever, add more sugar if youve got a sweet tooth, you will need to cook them on quite a high heet with some oil or butter in the pan (i would reccomend olive oil, much better for the waist line)

Back to my old ways.

So ive started abusing the laxatives again, i had totally forgotten my love for the little yellow sugar coated pills. They cause me pain, but the also cause me majoy shrinkage. Its gross to talk about these, but i get such a rush of shitting - ahaha!

The restriction has started again, i havent got a meal plan, but im just scared of going over 150 calories, maybe thats mad. I beat myself up yesterday for eating a fat free yoghurt, i started at it for about 30 minutes, slowly disecting spoonfulls of it in my mouth, YUCK! Eating is so un-feminine i acutally hate it! My goal weight is 70-75lbs, i am totally not going to get here before i got on holiday if i carry on eating about 150 calories. I think chew and spit is going to be called back in! Hello guys, i need your help!?

<3 Mee

Blergh

So its time to get back to reality. Ive put on weight, not one or two pounds, but 7lbs, since my lowest weight of 83lbs (im sure you can do the math on that) After taking pictures today, examining myself in the mirror, pinching my fat and having a long makeup-ruining cry i decided to take pictures. Pictures used to keep me on track, i took pictures everysingle day, i seems to be loosing like a motherfucker back in those days.

Its time to face facts, im not going to get skinny from eating 1000cal a day, yes maybe seriously slowly, but who the hell said i wanted to loose is slowly. Its time to lock myself in my room again like back in the summer where my ed started and slowly begin to fade in the distance again on a diet of fruit and veg. Im going vegan, only for a few months, damn i need some frikin calcium - im not stupid enough to think im superhuman and need nothing. I need alot, i am currently giving myself a lot. I no longer want to give myself alot.

I thought i would share my pictures. To the girl who asked my weight - i would share it, but i not the kinda person who likes to give it out and then be told my own bmi, 'yeah thanks for working that out for me love, and making it your 'goal-weight! - this isnt a personal attack on you btw.

 

 

Poetry

Today i found myself home early after a terribly ordeal with the disgusting amount of traffic the coach slugged through, all for the sake of coming back where i came from. I mean 2 hours to move 300m, i know the weather was bad, but it wasent that terrible that everyone had to park up and abandon all hope!

I found myself bored and felt this terrible erge to write some poems, ive never written poetry before, but i remeber always reading it when i was little, i used to read this antique book of my Grandma's, it was covered in Emerald Green fabric, with a beautiful patterened binding with Gold embossed writing. Anyway, this erge took me over and ive been writing poetry for about 3 hours, on and off with the interruption of my beautiful little brother. Figured i would share it with you:

Skin

I know I'm heavy
I know I'm crap
I know that really I'm a prat

I know You're ruley

I know You're Cruel

I know that really You'll win this Duel

I know I'm fat

I know I'm unworthy

I know that really I'm a twat

I know You're Ultimate

I know You're a jewel

I know that really You'll help me Crawl

They know I'm thin

They know I'm skin

They know that really I think they're stout

I know You're precious

I know You're cool

I know that really You come above all

I know You're Ruley

I know You're Cruel

I know that really You'll help Me with this duel

Ceases

Lonely and cold,this fire never ceases

Broken and old, this battle never ceases

Lilly pad upon calm water, this fire never ceases

Warm cup upon bony hand, this battle never ceases

Book upon book to spill the time

Drink upon drink to confuse the mind

Lie upon lie to convince yourself

I'm skinny

You wish - 

Just take a look at yourself!

Tear drops upon fresh raw scars

Today i ate the whole f-ING jar

Always lie, but never die

This fire never ceases

Parasite-free feet upon cold cobbled floor

Today she looked at herself asthough a jigsaw

Trying to piece this mystery of mine

This battle never ceases

Depressed and mutilated, this fire never ceases

Tired and aggravated, this battle never ceases

Enraged and missing, this fire never ceases

Protruding and fading, this battle never ceases.

The first one is pretty amateur, but i am impressed with my second (terribly big headed of me to say). I guess im putting my A grade at English Literature to good use! ;)

<3 Me