Soo i did 3 hours exercise today, it doesnt feel like enough though. The accuracy of my crosstrainer while being a blessing is also a curse. I can only burn off like 360 calories a hour, which sucks as i practically die while trying to do so, i average about 120 every 30 minutes, thats going at around 25km a hour, i dont know if thats fast or slow, whether im just being lazy or whether my just shit and my fitness level is crap. Have any of you got a crosstrainer? Can you give me any advice on whether im doing good or not? I feel like im failing becuause its only like 360 calories a hour, thats hardly anything, maybe i need to put it up on a high resistance, but my legs arent strong enough and i dont want to build up muscle when im trying to get rid of it in the first damned place, i hate leg muscle, blergh, wish it would disappear!
I had yet another bad day with food, im getting sick of this. Im taking laxatives and fasting tomorrow. Think im gonig out for a meal friday, then im fasting saturday and sunday. Being a model on sunday, so want a flat stomach. After fasting im allowing myself ramakin (cant spell it) sized meals. I figured if i do this i wont eat alot as i will only let myself have like 2-3 ramikins a day. 1 being porridge, 1 probably being like tuna and capers or something like that and the other being fruit or jelly.
So yeah, i want to be 6st2 by the end of this month. Im currently 6st10 *VOMITS* Soooo hugee, fat, yuck, gross, failure, FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAILURE. Anyway, thats like 2-3lbs a week. Going to fast 3 days a week and then eat between 200-600 the rest. I hope i lose, i will kill myslf soon if i dont. I want to stop taking laxatives as its driing me up the wall and i felt like i was doing so good, i did like 6weeks with no laxatives, then boom i dived straight back in to taking 20 a time, so disappointed in myself, im such a failure, i cant do anything. Things get abit tough and i go straight back into bad habits. I did it with cutting the other week. I now have yet another set of scars. On my inner thigh of all place, eww its going to look like stretch marks. I hate my thighs now, icant wear a short dress without my scars running the risk of being seen and i cut on my wrists so eww, i have all the shiny indents there, thank god they are now as deep and prominet as the ones on my legs. My hips are covered in horrible scars aswell. Ive ruined by body even more, ive made it even more unberable to the eye with these disgusting scars. Everyone who seens they scars is going to ask why and im never going to be able to hide myself again becuase of them. Im so stupid, why am i so stupid, i wish i would just die for being such a failure at life and at everything i ever do.
I just want to be fixed.
I know how hard it is to go so long without something and then revert back to it. You just have to remember that you can start again. Please be safe.
ReplyDeleteI use my cross trainer all the time too! I love it.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing that you aren't burning many calories per hour because you're so light. The heavier you are, the more calories you burn exercising. but keep up the good work and be careful.
awww sweetheart 3 hours is still a lot of exercise! I bet you burned off like 360 just to recover. Take care of yourself x
ReplyDeleteAhh, your all so kind. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteUnbeautiful - i know we are in the same boat, i read a blogpost about you and cutting. I guess we just have to pick ourselves back up and start right at the begnining again. But thats the demotivating bit for me, im back at the beginning, makes me feel like a failure so bad.
Em - it sucks that weight effects calorie burn, they should swap it round, let lighter people burn more weight that heavier people. I love my crosstrainer, they are amazing arent they!
An<3nym<3is - im taking care, i just want to burn lots of calories to makeup for the weight ive gained. I dont know what recovering is, but i sure as hell dont burn 360 off, my body is lazyy!
x
I get knackered on my cross-trainer- that, and bored!
ReplyDeleteI tend to do half an hour each time, whilst watching something on iplayer, so I can go faster and not feel so bored on the thing! lol
& 120 calories in 30 minutes sounds about right, buuut, it's better than nothing, right??
& same with the laxatives :|
The longest I've managed to go without them was 5 days the other week... not even very long.
I had a comically horrific experience with that last night (involving jalapenos & 10 laxatives)... all I'm gonna say is- LESSON LEARNT :|
x
HAHAHA, omg that must of hurtttt so bad x(
ReplyDeleteIt is better than nothing, you are totally right. I get so bored to, i was watching tv origianlly, but last night i put the music chanel on, i think it was like clubland and i was doing it to the beat, bloody hell, i was sweating after that sesh haha. The most ive managed it 40 minutes and that was 150cal, i want to try to a 1 hour session, as i like everthing to be even with exercise and amounts and times. Im anal like that.
I used to take laxatives everrday, and when was doing that 5 days seemed like forever. So well done for lasting that long, you should be proud becuase it is hard! x
To put it bluntly... I felt like my arse was on fire. TMI... but seriously. lol
ReplyDeleteOooh, doing it to the music channel sounds like a good idea- might try it!
Yeah, I was just bummed that I'd ruined my progress. My body was finally dropping some of the excess water weight it was HOARDING after using so many laxies, buuut bam- ruined it.
I'm trying to steer clear for a week. Funny how hard it is- it shouldn't be this way- they're just shitting pills! LOL x
Oh i know all to well. Im currently fighting the temptation to pop 20 of them. I cant even shit normally now, it takes the piss, and its so unattractive having a big baby belly just from eaiting a apple all becasuse your love affiar with laxatives is getting a little to serious! I might put it off until monday, but omg im soo tempted to take them tonight. I think i might have to.
ReplyDeleteI acutally just laughed so hard, thank you. LOL arse was on fire, thats great. The closet ive ever come to that was stomach acid acutally escpaping from it, fuck my life, lets just say i used alot of wet tissue, and after that the savalon cream was visited. HAHA
hahah, the shit we do to ourselves...
ReplyDeletei really hope one day we can look back on it all and just think, 'shit... i can't believe i did that stuff.'
ah mannn, i know you're tempted to take them, but think about that little paunch of water that'll sit on your belly for DAYSSS afterwards. vicious cycle isn't it...
also, it'll save a couple quid!
btw, just wondering, are you seeing a doc for your ED atm...?
i've read your posts, buuut, what happened? Did you choose to go, or were you pushed? x
Yeah, just my local gp. I thought i would of been reffered to a physicatic doctor, or whoever deals with this, but its happening through my doctor. I went myself, i got scared after i got to 88lbs and i wanted my boyfriend back. But i didnt get my boyfriend back, i just pushed him further away and now im stuck with it. Only for 6 weeks. Dont go into recovery unless its for yourself. Because i made that mistake and i cannot wait to get out of the programme now! x
ReplyDeleteReally?? Ah man, I just assumed we get referred... I had blood tests & an ECG the other day, and all I know is that I have a GP appointment in a few days to review bloods... maybe I won't get referred... :S
ReplyDeleteYou alright about the boyfriend thing now?? Sucks that recovery did that for you :/
I still wanna get better... whilst losing weight. I know it doesn't make sense, but I thiiiink I'm doing it for me... I hope. Blaaaaady confusing x
Im the same, if i could be better and still lose weight then i would be happy. I think i want to try and sort out my depression but not have my eating disorder sorted out. Because i was happy when i just had my eating disorder, but depression has made it worse. And my binging started when my depression started, so if i stop being depressed then i stop binging.
ReplyDeleteIve never had bloode tests taken for and i dont even know what an ecg is. I was going to get put into a phyciatric hospital in 2009 but my mum refused admission and stopped all communicatin with my doctor, i think that might have something to do with why i was never reffered.
I dont think il even be 'alright' with it, but ive just gota keep myself busy so i dont think about it yano.
Good luck with the docotors, and with recovery, if you are doing it for yourself im sure you will find the determination to pull through it and come out positive at the other side. You deserve happiness and a life without this disorder. You are absolutley gorgeous and i bet you have ALOT to give.
x