I

I am so hard on myself all the time with my eating and my body, i realise this and i know i need to stop. But it seems the more i try to stop, the worse it gets and the more encased in all the negative thoughts i get. I'm just so deep now and it actually feels like im never going to come out of this on the good side. It feels like im forever going to be stuck in this constant binge, restirct, laxative, exercise, fast pattern that 1. doesnt work for me 2. maeks me feel like shit 3. has ceased to give me purpose in life and 4. has ruined everything that ever gave me a unique identity.

Im stuck living thoughts that i dont even consider mine, becuase a few years ago i wouldnt think like this, so why me, why now? Why do i have to go through this? Why did i have to start caring when i got bloated and start caring about what i ate? I was never fat before but now magically im fat, if i eat a slice of cucumber ive 'binged' and im now fat and huge and have to take laxatives and then binge my way through the rest of the day unless i withdraw and take myself to my bedroom. 

Im not me anymore. I know myself as 'fat bitch' and that has become my identity. Im not in the right head space at all and i really truly feel like im the only one going through whats in my head, no matter how many times people say 'oh dont be so hard on yourself' or 'look after yourself' or 'i understand what your going through'. I just dont believe it. Im not hard on myself, there are like 10million people out there that are so much harder upon themselves. I do look after myself, a little to much, i need to neglect my body more and then i will achieve what i want. Ive done it before so i can do it again, and if im honest, ive never understood what anyone else goes through becuase ive never truely understood what im going through. How can i understand others when i dont understand myself?

Im going to go away for a few days, have them to myself, with my own thoughts, my own behaviours, my own rules. Not influenced by the online community that i emerse myself in day in day out. Just me and my own head so i can discover what i really am. Then im going to decide from there what im going to do.

I dont know whether i will get rid of this blog, sometimes it just triggers me into much worse behaviour, and others it gives me a false sense of achievment. I really shouldnt be happy that i lost 4.5lbs, becuase i have another 13 to go until i am going to be atleast a little happy with myself. Constantly talking about my disorderd behaviour is really not doing me any favours. Most of the time i just want to be left alone, and pushing myself to communicate with others when i dont neccasirly want to really doesnt help my own thoughts.

The only thing i know for certain is that im still in love with my ex-boyfriend and that i cant move on from this chapter in my life until i feel peaceful about what happened between us. Will i ever feel peaceful though?

So yeah, umm...bye? For now anyway x