Bye

This past week i've sectioned myself off from most things and feel like i may be on the road to finding my self again before all the binging and laxative abuse. I thought i was being sly with my laxatives, i wasnt trying to hide it though as my family quite clearly doesnt care. And this week has proven so, i asked my mum is she could 'padlock the cupboards shut' so i couldnt get into them when i lose control and eat everything, her words to be 'you need to get some willpower, like me' I was stunned by this, and actually cried, i know i cried becuase its true, i do need to get willpower, the words have be rolling around in my head for the past week inbetween endless cups of tea to the point where im almost vomiting. My diet has been stripped back to basics, ive been eating weightwatches yoghurts and salad and i feel like its working although the desire to eat is slowly fading.

I've realised the internet actually makes me want to kill myself, and ive become so opposed to using it this last week. Its hard writing this blog post without wanting to slash my wrists and take 50 laxatives. I dont know why it makes me feel like this. I found myself having to leave a conversation between a friend on facebook at a standstill last night becuase i physically couldnt carry on with it. I felt like a massive pressure had come over me and i started to cry. Maybe its just being social thats the problem for me, but it was find with my friends on wedneday, i ordered a 'house side salad', the waiter made me feel like a freak when i asked for it, bastard. My friends tried to get me to order a pudding, but all i had in my mind was 'calories calories, shit fuck im going to get fat is i eat a pudding' so i didnt order one, and i practially ran home to get out of public.

So to the point. Im not going to blog for a while, until i can come on the internet and not want to shoot myself in the fucking head while staring at pictures of my ex-boyfriend and chanting fat-bitch for the next 7 hours. Im going to be on my own, with my own thoughts, doing as i please without feeling like a have this huge judgemental eye staring back at me, analyising every move i make.

I love you all for the support you have given me, and for acutally reading this blog and commenting making me feel less insane, but in a greater scale of things, its terrible triggering for me, binging and laxative abuse more so that restricting, ironically. But thank you, and i wish you all health and happiness, you are all beautiful people and i hope you gain back the ability to see how beautiful and perfect you all are x