Fasted today, yay. Mum didnt say anything about me eating. Well she asked if i was guna eat the brownie in the fridge and i went no i dont want it. That was the end of being spoken to about food. Something is always said like 'what are you guna eat, you cant not eat' followed by suggestions of food. I guess she was to preoccupied with sulking this evening, leaving my brother with a HUGE sauce pan of pasta with bacon and cheese sauce to eat. I didnt see him complaning though, he sat on the sofa with the whole saucepan and ate it while we watched tv together, i think he enjoyed it haha, fatty, god i got alot of brotherly love for him, dont want him to grow up :(
Tomorrow i plan to fast aswell, and hopefully the day after. I have the power in me i know i do. Plus i need to get to 84lbs or less for christmas day, so i need to be strict. Making fasting on saturday, sunday, monday a regular thing. Possibly thursday aswell. Got no-one to try get better for anymore, so i may aswell carry on with my desent to anorexic lala land!
From now on i refuse to eat processed. That includes, but does not limit, the banned intake of; bread, crisps, chocolate, chips, cake. Just about everything other than vegetables and fruit are banned. Im also letting myself have melba toast and soup though, as i know i need something with less citrus for my teeth! Bread was a BIG part of my diet before and cutting it out is going to make me lose alot i think, i hope, i bloody hope so!
Despite enjoying donig to myself, a big part of my wishes tyrone was here to stop me, because i am actually really scared, what happens when i collapse, what happenes when im 84lbs, what happenes when i physically cant eat anymore, what happenes when im in hospital and i want the guy i love to be there to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be ok. The voice in my head is being left to ravange me now, there no comfort, theres no love, theres no hope left. I wish i had tyrone :(
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