95 94 93 92 91 90 89
Ok, so im losing quicker than i thought was possible, its kinda intoxicating as well as kinda terrifying. I mean, at this point its easy to spiral out of control. Losing 1 lb a day is like taking a sniff of the strongest coke, or a shot of the purest vodka, you are scared to do it at first, but once its done, you want it more, and more, until it becomes an obsession, until your life relies on this 1 lb a day that you have to lose or you have to punish yourself. Punish yourself by staying up 3 hours longer at night, punish yourself by not drinking that juice in the morning. Punish yourself by making yourself so weak you have to crawl down the stairs holding back that sickly acidic vomit that is crawling up your throat, knocking at the roof of your mouth waiting to escape. A sequence of punishments until you have lost that 1 lb, a sequence of punishments until you have lost everything. until your bones jut through your dry flaking skin like barbed wired ripping through a piece of pure white cotton.
Its addicting, the world seems blurry, kind of hazy, im confused, my head feels like its spinning and my eyes cant focus much. I've eaten the last two days, after i had to pull myself from my bed and slowly go down the stairs as my knees were trembling, my vision was black and the vomit was sloshing in my mouth, shaking as a measures out my 100ml of juice, my only sugar intake for the day, making sure it was accurate to the very ml, i love my little measuring spoons, however they are so terribly difficult to use when your hand is trembling so much and your whole body is pushed up against the work top in attempt to stop your legs from giving way and not being able to get back up. That first sip of disgustingly sweet juice, and you can feel it, making the journey slowly down your throat, making your teeth cold, you can feel it dripping into your stomach, each tiny sip giving you a little more energy. Maybe its a trick, maybe the 1 sip i took from that juice didn't give me the energy i thought i had, maybe it was all in my mind. Maybe my mind is playing a series of tricks on me, testing my power to fool myself. Either way i lost a 1 1/2lbs on Monday, either way that sheer weakness was worth it. It seems a comforting type of punishment for the things i had done.
Now im sitting here waiting, for the brutality of my punishment to come back and hit me when i try to wake up in the morning, hopefully it will be on Saturday morning, i only plan to eat an apple until then, but perhaps i will take this from myself, the one piece of passion in my life at the moment i may chose to take away, in order to lose those extra few grams, besides those few grams add up to that lb, that lb adds up to that stone, that stone adds up to perfection. Until im there, stood in the mirror looking at myself, repulsed by my own reflection. To myself i will say;
"You deserved this you whore, you stupid repulsive whore"
To which i will have no reply, i will merely accept this hatred that lingers inside me, i will accept it and i will climb back into bed, clutching onto my hipbones, running my fingers along my ribs, making myself feel comforted at the disgusting corpse i have starved myself to. I find myself disgusting now, but im going to find myself more disgusting in a couple of weeks. I scared myself when i looked in the mirror on Monday morning, between the black flickers that was supposed to be my sight and the blur that was supposed to be me, i saw someone, someone i havent seen in a long time. I saw that girl who used to stand in the mirror for hours, swaying gently, as if the wind is blowing her about, confused by her own reflection. Her skin so pale it looked as though she hadn't seen light in weeks, her dark eye circle so big it looked as though she has cried off her entire makeup back. This girl scares me, but this girl is also incredibly intoxicating. I cant stop myself, i must meet her again, i must become her again.
No comments:
Post a Comment