Tears stain my bedsheets.

Insignificance - What does it mean to me: To me it means walking by and no-one seeing you, no-one taking note of you, no-one stopping and looking, moving out the way, smiling as you glance up at them, saying sorry when they walk into you. Insignificance is when you are one person, who wants to make such an impact but is so scared to. Scared to talk, scared to question, scared to be different. Im different, but not in the way i would like to be. Im a mental kind of different, im not mentally 'normal', most would consider me mentally 'ill' others would just consider me stupid and attention seeking. I see myself as mentally retarded - mentally retarded in the sense i cant do anything anymore without being consumed by this, mentally retarded in the sense that having a shoulder turned from me for just one second can send my head spinning for hours while i work out what ive done wrong, how ive done it wrong, how anorexia can make it better, how no food can make it better, how unworthy i am as a person.

Im mentally retarded because i cant be left alone without becoming hysterically and self destructive. Truth is im just scared, scared of whats out there, for me now, for me in the future, what might creep up and kill me from my past. Im scared to be left alone, not just with myself, but with food, with responsibility and with life. 

I dont want to give up with everything, but i cant cope with everything, and i dont even have much to cope with. Its just everything i used to be able to cope with i dont seem to be able to anymore and i just want everything taken from me because quite frankly i really cant do it anymore. I cant do anything anymore, i wish i could just disappear.

I dont think i have the power in me to get better anymore, i dont think i have the power to be strong enough to balance everything equally, its either all or nothing, and ive given my all and its just left me with nothing. So maybe if i give nothing it will leave me with all. Is that fucked up logic. It just that me making up some bullshit logic that im going to feed myself. I dont want to be fed it, i want to give my all, but whats the point when i am left with n-o-t-h-i-n-g?

I dont think im going to be able to cope much longer, i can feel it building up inside me, i cant feel it twisting around my esophagus, up my spinal cord, welding its roots into my feet and branching out in my stomach. Im going to be really ill soon and i dont think i can control it anymore. And its not called 'not trying' or 'failing' its called a 17 year old girl who cant cope.