FATTY

So went food shopping, ended up getting:

2 boxes melba toast (12)

4 cans soup (68-98)

8 cans pepsi max (0.5)

7 braeburn apples (47-60)

The dried stew mix i found was 256 calories per 100g, i was like flaming hell, i am NOT eating that, so i got the soups instead, winter vegetable broth (68), tomato (98), tomato and butterbean (91), then i got some cup-a-soup, tomato and basil flavour (98). So il be letting myself have one of the above a day, then i will be allowed 1 apple and 1 pack melba toast, they have these smalls packs in the box, 6 slices is 78 calories. GOD, i havent written about calories in a longggggg time.

I dont feel like im going to lose of this, i definatly will feel fat each day eating this much, the canned soup is in half portions, i will probably eat 2 portions in 1 meal, unless i havent walked off atleast 300calories during the day, then i will only be allowed 1 portion. Not sure if i will allow myself to eat 6 slices of melba toast in 1 day, that seems alot when accompanied by an apple, realistically i know on the day i consume the highest calorie soup im not going to be at 400calories, but to me right now that seems like a big number. I use calories to deal with something i didnt want to happen, that something was splitting up with tyrone, now the calories have come  back to haunt me, and omg 400 seems to be getting bigger each flaming time i mention it! Atleast my mum didnt complain when my basket compries of 8 pepsi max cans,  2 packs melba toast, 7 apples, 4 cans of soup, 1 pack cap-a-soup, FUCK, that seems like alot of food for me, it is for a week, but jesus! 

Im actually really lonely at the moment, i think thats why my anorexia is controlling me so much, normally i would eat about 700 - 1000 calories a day, which would explain why i have been maintaing for such a long time, but i was trying to get better for tyrone, and although he didnt think i was eating enough, and in truth i wasnt for a 'normal' person, but i was eating more than what i eat when im not trying to get better. Loneliness brings free time, free time brings anorexia, anorexia brings weightloss, weightloss brings false sense of achievement, false sense of achievement brings more weightloss, more weightloss brings worry to others, etc etc etc. Bottom line is, i want tyrone back but i know he will never give me another chance becuase ive haad to many chance i know i had, but each time i was improving (i thought) and was more worthy of being given the chance, god i made the  only person i ever loved and the only person who ever loved me hate me, what kind of a person am i, i dont even deserve to be a person. 

Today i ate:

1 slice bread - 100cal

1 baby yoghurt - 46cal

4 slice melba toast - 48cal

1 tin vegetable broth - 136cal

Total 330 - am i disappointed? - Yes, its always to much unless its nothing. :(