My whole life i've been trying to be someone im not. Ive been trying to be someone people will like, who people wont find a problem with, you people wont find a reason to bully, and its left me with not a single ounce of what i once was.

When im asked to list 10 things about myself i have to think so long and hard to think up the 'correct' and 'acceptable' answers that form a part of my false identity. I know nothing about myself and it hurts so bad. Earlier i was making an effort to try.  and get better and write myself a list of; 10 things that make me unique from everyone else and i couldnt think of a single thing. Everything i have everyone else has, its either been copied from an acceptable action that i saw when i was younger, or copied from a magazine. There is no ounce of me left, not one single bit, and it hurts so much, the person i was born as is no longer there, theres just a lifeless shell that was once occupied with so much life and innocence, and that has been destroyed myself becuase i wanted to be accepted by people.

Im still that four year old girl in the playground, lost with no friend to play with. Im still that four year old girl that got bullied and started to hate herself. Im still that four year old girl who never found herself acceptable and started to hate herself becuase people hated her. As people always say; they only say those things becuase they are 'jealous' but they arent true. Its kinda hard to believe they are not true when everyone hates you and you have no friends. Ive hate myself for the last 13 years of my life and ive done everything to escape the scariest thing - myself. My whole life is just one big act, one big ploy, to try and con people into thinking this is the real 'me'. But i dont like the 'me' i have made. Ive made a horrible monster who feeds of itself and who is the most socially challegened person i have ever met. I hate meeting new people, i hate being nervous and not knowing what to say, its so hard for me, and people dont understand, they just think im a bitch. But its becuase i havent taught myself to be socail, becuase ive tried to hide from being social my whole life in the fear i might get bullied.

Being bullied has ultimatly ruined my life forever, but i cant really blame that, i can only blame myself, becuase i let myself listen, and i let myself get hurt by that bulling. I made the decision at just four years old who i was wasnt acceptable and decided to change it. I've ruined my life forever. Once again i am to blame for everything wrong with my life, i hate who i am, i wish i could change it, but its too late, i want to be the real me, but the real me disappeared a long time ago, and i dont know if i can get her back.

I cant put into words how disgraced i am with myself, nor can i put into words how much i lothe myself. I wish i could take every false characteristic back that i have spewed out into this world, because its just made everyone hate me. Im sorry if you hate me, i really am sorry, you wernt supposed to hate me, i was just trying to be the 'acceptable' and 'likeable' person.