Im growing each day, i see it in the mirror, i see it when i look down at myself, i see it in every relfection that my eye catches when im walking along. I cant bear myself, i just want to disappear, i dont want to have to see myself anymore. I just wish i could become invisable, have no1 look at my disgsuting body and not have to look at it myself. I've set my alarm and im taking 20 laxatives at 2.30 am, so late becuase i know they will kick in quickly due to the volume and i dont want to be losing myself to a toilet when my mum and brother are still at home. I wish i could just die, im going to start a fast tomorrow, and carry it on for as long as possible. I have nothing on any particular importance going along in the form of dead lines at college, so weakness will be fine.
God i hate myself so much, i spend every moment crying, i even broken down when i went to the toilet at college earlier and saw my thighs when i looked down, im so fat and disgusting, im covered in so much fat, i dont understand how its possible for one person to have such a concentrated amount of fat. Im so wide and disgusting, i want to be narrow and pretty and perfect and dainty. I just want to be skinny and im so far from it it seems like its impossible at the moment. I know my weight to some is 'perfect' and 'inspiration' but i find it so revolting, i have to hold myself back from crying every single moment of the day, especially when i sit down and my fat spreads out, consuming the chair and everything around it, it would probably eat the frikin newspapers in the libary if it had its own seperate mouth.
I took my first driving lesson yesterday, and i've had to make out to everyone that it was good and fun, i mean i wasnt shit, i was ok, but i was so scared. Not of driving, but i was terrified i was going to get attacked by my instructor, im gonig to put in a complaint about him to the company, but i feel really guilty, my friend told me i should though when i told her what he was doing. I just wanted to cry. I cant get in a car with a man without shitting my pants and acting all weird, its a real struggle for me, but when hes there winking at me and eyeing up my legs it makes the situation so much harder. Ive changed insturctors, but im scared its going to be the same with him, but i cant find any female instructors where i live. Its guna be a slow process of learning to actually trust someone.
GW1 - 87
GW2 - 85
GW3 - 83
GW4 - 80
GW5 - 79 - i know this wont be low enough, but i can go from there.
No comments:
Post a Comment